Many families are experiencing prolonged challenges with shidduchim. Significant numbers of fine young men and women seem to find dating far more difficult than they had expected. In general, there are not that many places to get sound advice on navigating shidduchim, or for getting the insight necessary to unravel the complexities of dating.
Rabbi Dr. Yossi Ives and Mrs. Devora Krasnianski put their years of experience in assisting people in their relationships and shidduchim into one comprehensive initiative – DateWell. The aim of the project is to present psychologically robust insights in a highly accessible manner.
The DateWell website, www.datewell.org is a comprehensive resource to help singles and support networks (parents, shadchanim, mentors) to access valuable knowledge and insight to guide them in this journey towards making their most important life choice.
“The unfortunate reality is that many people struggle in their path to marriage. Our goal is to smooth that path for people, enabling them to go through dating with as few difficulties as possible,“ Mrs. Krasnianski explained.
Rabbi Ives further states that “Not a small number of people are experiencing years of frustrations with dating, and have not enjoyed the success they desire and deserve. Our mission is to provide real answers to help them enjoy the dating success that has been eluding them.”
Devora Kransniaski explained that a unique feature of the site “is the engaging manner in which much of the material is presented. In addition to standard in-depth articles, the website adopts creative formats, such as summaries, cartoons and audio – and video is coming soon.”
The site doesn’t shy away from challenging topics. Yossi Ives says that “we felt obligated to adopt a comprehensive approach, covering the practicalities of navigating through shidduchim all the way to the range of complicated psychological dynamics that hold people back from dating success.”
If dating isn’t going so smoothly, maybe there’s a reason?
A key message the DateWell team aims to convey is the notion that “if dating is consistently struggling, that there is most likely a reason.” They illustrated this with the following example.
Leah was very hopeful about this shidduch. She thought it was progressing well. She enjoyed Benny’s company. They were alike in so many ways: their values were quite aligned and they grew up in similar backgrounds. They even both enjoyed hiking and similar music. Then suddenly out of nowhere, she got that phone call from the friend facilitating the shidduch: Benny doesn’t want to continue meeting her.
Benny too enjoyed Leah’s company and recognized that their values were compatible. He couldn’t explain why he felt that she just wasn’t the one for him. It frustrated him (and his parents) because this wasn’t the first time this happened. It seemed to be a pattern. Well-meaning people were providing all sorts of unsolicited commentaries and advice, “You’re too picky.” “What are you dreaming marriage is all about?” “You’ll come to love her after marriage.”
Krasnianski believes that this story is “not as uncommon as many of us would like to think.” She says that “often people get stuck in their dating. Sometimes, people are afraid to have difficult conversations and just end a shidduch rather than talk things through. For others, it can be unrealistic or conflicting expectations. Others are always thinking that there might be someone even better. This is distressing to all involved, as it leads to pain and failure, and a waste of much time, effort, and money.”
Eventually, some of these people do get past their block and BH are happily married. Some don’t and are still struggling. She adds her concern that “unfortunately, too many daters get stuck. With the right insight, many of those issues could be resolved before the years of frustrations happen.”
They aren’t picky, they are stuck
According to the DateWell team, in most cases, people who experience difficulties with shidduchim are struggling with some kind of intrapersonal issue; there is an internal obstacle holding them back. The good news, they say, is that this problem is usually relatively minor and can be addressed quite easily. With some clear understanding of what is going on for them, people can become their ‘best selves’ and move forward into a successful marriage.
The goal of DateWell is to help those people get unstuck. Surely, that is a great aspiration.
Thank you for trying to help singles during the dating stage. I do feel though that the problem isn’t always the dating sometimes there are just no names that come up and singles are not even dating anyone
Perhaps no names are coming up because the people they could/ should be dating are “stuck”
Wow this is so needed and valuable!
Thank you!