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Wednesday, 7 Nisan, 5780
  |  April 1, 2020

Clarity Needed in Shidduchim

A frum psychotherapist says spending more time with each other does not provide clarity in shidduchim. He also offers 3 tips for finding a bashert. Full Story

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Huh?
Guest
Huh?

What’s the point of this article? Is the author actually saying anything?

Short, sweet
Guest
Short, sweet

and to the point.

Doesn't always work
Guest
Doesn't always work

I know someone who married a girl based on those ideals and he now walks around not sure if he married the right girl…
as his friend I say that’s pretty sad and there’s no fix.

Interesting
Guest
Interesting

Very valid points. Thanks for the article

Seriously??
Guest
Seriously??

this is a terrible article. “3. If you have the basic ‘compatibles,’ don’t hesitate”??

whats going on
Guest
whats going on

great my daughter is yet to be set up on any date

the only thing is disagree with
Guest
the only thing is disagree with

” If you have the basic ‘compatibles,’ don’t hesitate.”
that should not be instant decision just hey i like her we share similar values tada! pop the question.
you should put a little more thought into it then that.
otherwise a very nice article

????
Guest
????

As one who is happily married, I don’t get the part where you write that even if one is mad at their wife they can still be in love because of the ‘institution of marriage’. Loving a spouse doesn’t have to be turned onto a whole chassidic discourse. I can do things for my wife when I am ‘mad’ at her because even when we have a squabble I still love her. Therefore I never can really be mad at her. I don’t need to have some sort of belief in a magical institution of marriage to do things for… Read more »

What about the one
Guest
What about the one

I’m not marrying any girl that fits the compatibility test, I’m waiting to meet a girl and think “it’s you that I’ve been looking for” le something that I lost and just rediscovered”.. Maybe that theory is too Australian but I’m pretty sure the rebbe mentions that aspect in many of his letters

Brilliant!
Guest
Brilliant!

This hits the issues facing the contemporary dating scene spot on! When you take emunah and bitachon out of the equation and endlessly rationalize our potential relationships we enter the world of our non religious brethren bereft of life long commitment and true love.

Right to the point
Guest
Right to the point

On my third shidduch I decided within 15 minutes on the first meeting. We are happely married for nearly 25 years. The big problem today is that people have to many goishe idea’s and questions. That blurs their view for a match where Hashem is he real partner.

thank u
Guest
thank u

the point is perfect, dating more does not bring clarity
thank u for bringing this up. sadly the dating in lubavitch must change, boys & girls r being forced into “romantic” dates, doing “something different”, which leads to things that are totally not appropriate for chasidishe singles

to 8
Guest
to 8

I totally agree with you.
The article is quite foolish.
True one should go into it with emunah, but when there is love is a different ball game, and love doesn’t have to be for the wrong reasons.
It’s funny how you can listen manis and get a deep hashkofah in loving your spouse or you can stay stuck with the surface of his words.

sounds so simple
Guest
sounds so simple

Sounds very magical.
But very unreal too

emuna?
Guest
emuna?

So we need to have emuna that this psycotherapist knows what he is saying and take our chances relying on what he believes?

Who is going to pick up the pieces?

I agree that

“men and women should never be together under the same roof unless they are married”

This is not a Manis Friedman original, it is a rule that comes in
a yiddish expresson ” Nisht zayin chossin un kalla in ain shtub”
This expression is used in chassidic circles

married 30 years....
Guest
married 30 years....

I am married 30 years B”H and i can totally understand what he is saying. read between the lines , people! he didn’t say you should not fall in love ( although he could have included that) he is just saying once yiou make up your mind it’s work work work – not magic!

well written and so true!
Guest
well written and so true!

as someone who knows about dating secularly and also dating the “frum” way, i TOTALLY agree with the author.

Great article!
Guest
Great article!

This is a well written article! To the point and clear…Yes it is a generalized thing but it definitely makes a lot of sense. yasher koach!

Great point!
Guest
Great point!

The author makes a great point…marriage is based on giving and faith…. Thank you for writing it in such a clear way!

WOW!!!! AMAZING ARTICLE!!!!!
Guest
WOW!!!! AMAZING ARTICLE!!!!!

Rabbi Shmuli is awesome, please keep writing more articles!!!!!

very well said
Guest
very well said

i see form some of the comments that they really dont have the rite attitude towards getting married. if you say he is foolish then you got to do some basic learning chasidus as YES ITS ALL HASHEM once hashem is in the picture everything becomes clear. i am married over 20 years and i see what he is saying. he is so on the ball. for all you who are frustrated young and parents. do some ruchious work on your self and many issues will be clear to you. i once heard from Rabbi Heller that a yunger man… Read more »

amazing
Guest
amazing

This author is right on! all the nay sayers responding are unfortunately not yet able to grasp what he is saying and will hopefully get there – I am involved with shidduchim and know that everything he said is TOTALLY true….and to #15 vast art ess dir that he gave Manis Friedman credit in his quote.. Manis will be the first to admit that he teaches Torah not something he invented……why was it necessary to pick on this/him? I bring this up merely to prove that if we want to find things to pick on we always can and we… Read more »

thanks
Guest
thanks

thanks for an important article, that tackles a relevant issue in a clear, concise way

Writing in..
Guest
Writing in..

This used to be the ONLY way we all got engaged and then married. While the Rebbe of Blessed Memory was still with us B’guf Gashmi, We all would write in for the Haskama and Bracha of the Rebbe. It was a central premise and defining decision that all chassidim lived by… Unfortunately now we don’t have that option / ability to, may I say – “Have the Rebbe help us make (or make) the decision for us” Therefore the need to bring BACK that very essential componment of Emuna & Bitachon etc etc as elaborated in this article, ONLY… Read more »

Thank you !
Guest
Thank you !

Honest article.

Unfortunately today, people really like to shoot the messenger. Good message. I am married for 20 plus years, and yes, this, and everything is in the hands of Hashem.

Lets get back to basics, and well be ok

Dude
Guest
Dude

Emunah emunah emunah.… Dude. I have to be happy and confident in my decision. Otherwise I’ll always be doubting myself.
I personally heard from Leibel Groner that when he was dating the Rebbe held out his four fingers and told him , while counting each one “it won’t be your father who will make the decision,, it won’t be mother, it won’t be me, and won’t be your seichel.” The Rebbe then pointed to his own heart and said while pointing with his finger up and down “Only your heart can make the decision”.

I don't know
Guest
I don't know

It seems to me that the many people giving advice regarding shidduchim think that singles are to choosy and therefore thats why they have yet to be married. And so the advice given is like this; if you have basic compatibility get married. Well, I have news for you, this is a highly personal, feeling and thinking, spiritual type of choice and two people may be compatible but not necessarily for marriage. And I believe people know what’s important to them and they should trust themselves more. (Not less!) Guidance is always useful and a must from the right person… Read more »

EVERYONE READ 26 AND 27
Guest
EVERYONE READ 26 AND 27

AND LETS MAKE AN ARTICLE ABOUT THAT!

to #24
Guest
to #24

not true,the rebbe is here and l can say he answers my thoughts

great article
Guest
great article

the whole point of the shidduch system (in its ideal format) is to check for compatibility before you actually go on a date. you should already know going in some basic values and goals of the other person. that way, you don’t get tricked by your emotions and fall for someone who is wrong for you. if you share what is most important, and if you have the right attitude towards marriage, then why not get married? think to yourself, “why do i want to get married?” is it because i’m lonely, or is it because getting married is a… Read more »

To 26
Guest
To 26

I actually think you and the author are on the same side. The point is that too often people let their seichel get carried away which leads to doubting and confusion. Follow your heart and have faith in Hashem and in yourself; simple.

Author Define Basic...
Guest
Author Define Basic...

Compatibles?

Author
Guest
Author

In short this article was addressing the issue of clarity. Many people feel the need to have perfect clarity before dropping the question. When I say ‘compatibility’, of course there needs to be love; as I mentioned in the article “there needs to be a spiritual and physical attraction”. If you have these basic points in place you shouldn’t start doubting yourself, rather put your trust in Hashem knowing that you did your part. We will never know if we married our true bashert. Couples grow together if they understand what marriage is about. The dating period is actually the… Read more »

I agree with you,
Guest
I agree with you,

but if it is so simple why are there so many singles?
Again, I agree with you. But maybe I have no right to really say anything, since B”H I married the second guy I dated, when the first wanted to live on a different continent and therefore was not really an option. (I was my husband’s first date.)
So if I don’t understand what these people are going through…maybe I shouldn’t say anything?
Just a thought….

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