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Sunday, 13 Sivan, 5779
  |  June 16, 2019

    Can We Please Date Like Adults?

    From the COLlive inbox: A bochur laments an outdated Shidduch practice in a time when singles are older and live casually. Full Story

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    Ok dude
    Guest
    Ok dude

    Grow up! If you couldnt meet the first expectation, she obviously wasnt a match for you.

    No car...
    Guest
    No car...

    Would you still make sure to drop the girl at home after the date? I know many girls who are happy to walk at night alone. But truth is, it’s not safe! So if they are on a date and you decide the modern approach. Make sure to walk them home afterwards!!!

    Ummm
    Guest
    Ummm

    You need a wake up call and a good one. Doesn’t matter how much it costs, you need to give it your all and show the girl you are interested in giving it a chance and trying. Your attitude is a turn off- nothing even happened yet and you’re already being cheap??

    agreed but lets not get carried away!
    Guest
    agreed but lets not get carried away!

    good point, and thoroughly agree, however, let’s not get too laid back, like telling the young lady, that the shidduch is not going to work out after a few dates by way of a text message or on What’s App! -surely this response is over the top!!!
    .

    israel do it like this
    Guest
    israel do it like this

    ‘but in Rome we do what the Romans do ‘…

    THE LOSS OF OUR MORAL COMPASS
    Guest
    THE LOSS OF OUR MORAL COMPASS

    ACTUALLY THE WAY IT SHOULD BE DONE ON THE FIRST MEETING IS THAT THE SHADCHAN DROPS OFF THE GIRL WHERE THE BOCHUR IS WAITING.

    Way off
    Guest
    Way off

    Author of article has a thing or two to learn about life and being a mentch. You have zero clue how to treat a girl
    Your attitude is scary

    Lazy...
    Guest
    Lazy...

    Too lazy for decent grammar. Too lazy to pick up your date. I see a pattern.

    RESPECT
    Guest
    RESPECT

    Be a MAN and pick her up from her house…..man.. u sure have some nerve..

    Single
    Guest
    Single

    i agree with the Author, unless its someone you know who they are and asked to date them.. but if its a random date and your over 25 no need to pick her up..

    $$$$
    Guest
    $$$$

    If you don’t want to spend money on her now….then you are giving her the message that you are cheap and won’t spend money on her later. Just think about that….
    Good luck!

    Agree
    Guest
    Agree

    I have to say i agree with the author. as a girl in shidduchim, it is very upsetting to do something that does not necessarily show on what kind of spouse you will be because “thats the rule”. everyone should do what works for them AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT COMPROMISE ON TORAH VALUES OR ANOTHER’S SAFETY

    A girl
    Guest
    A girl

    This is ridiculous. I wouldnt date a guy like you. Trust me. It is very stressful for us girls too. Were also not sure a first date will work out. But we still make an effort and make sure we look nice, and it does take a long time sometimes (it just does)…not to mention the emotional part before a date… The least you can do is be a mentch, pick her up and make sure she gets there safe. From your article it doesnt sound like you are ready for this. And no girl will apretiate dating a guy… Read more »

    Learn how to treat a girl
    Guest
    Learn how to treat a girl

    You got take care of her. That’s your job. If you don’t gethink that, you’re quite immature.

    This is AMAZING!
    Guest
    This is AMAZING!

    Dude, this is so true. I feel the same way exactly and think it is absolutely ridiculous. Especially in New York where no one has a car to expect a bochur to spend 100s of dollars in the first date when the girl can end it after just one date is absurd. (Plus add travel costs if the guy doesnt live near the girl) Its just way too much

    Dude
    Guest
    Dude

    I’m going to tell u this once and thats it – grow up already!!

    With you!!!!
    Guest
    With you!!!!

    If your old enough to have a children you can also make these decisions! It makes no difference what age. This is by the way how it’s done in Israel. Move on not every girl needs to fill like a million dollars. The ones that is doesn’t need all the waste of…. And second of all the shadchan should only pass on info and help when possible not decide things… Everyone is different

    class A jerk
    Guest
    class A jerk

    can you sign your name? so we never waste each others time?

    Once again, this is a personal choice
    Guest
    Once again, this is a personal choice

    As a girl in shidduchim (so much fun by the way! /s), I’ve met people at the date locations, picked THEM up from their houses, basically everything most people would faint from horror.
    And yes, people thought I was crazy. But the person that I will eventually choose to marry? He won’t. And if someone thinks that this is nuts, it’s a good way to know if they’re for you or not.
    So, Lazer, keep on going with your method. You’ll find a girl that’s cool with it, and that’s what YOU need.

    cold winter
    Guest
    cold winter

    It’s about respect to boy how would you like it if girl came in work dress to your date very bad that is how she feels like if you don’t pick her up and take her home and you are showing how you are going to take care of her you are a selfish person I urge you not to date anyone until you learn some basic training in respecting people

    Totally agree
    Guest
    Totally agree

    I’m a girl and totally agree! It’s also stressful for us to be picked up and have to sit in a car and do small talk. So much easier if we just meet at a specific place and sit down and talk. I actually was set up once and had access to a car and specifically arranged to drive to the location itself and meet him there. Worked out great. I’m still single. But that’s totally not my point. Point is, I agree. We’re older, more independent. And so much less awkward to just arrange a meeting place and call… Read more »

    Israelis do like this
    Guest
    Israelis do like this

    I dated girls in Israel and NY
    In Israel, we met at a pre arranged spot.
    much better and less stressful.

    Kevin
    Guest
    Kevin

    Besides for the fact that my now wife drove me on many of our dates. This writer seems (sadly) lazy and either should be dating outside the shidduch system or quickly get on board.

    true
    Guest
    true

    a lot of really great guys hardly date (“meet” whatever people call it) cause the whole thing has become so ridiculous, pretty much from a to z, they either figure it out on their own or busy themselves with something else…

    To the author
    Guest
    To the author

    Sorry you are not ready for marriage.

    In a marriage you need to be ready to give, give and give some more.

    Frum world
    Guest
    Frum world

    In the modern world People 25 and older, are stable and could get to a date on their own. Not sure why in the frum world, there are so much emphasis given on the guy being a chauffeur

    Shocked
    Guest
    Shocked

    I am shocked at how people are responding ! I am a woman and I think his points are very valid. I agree that she doesn’t have to go home alone, and I don’t think that his point is about spending the money. I am totally ok with meeting some place on a date and not having him pick me up. This is pure nonsense.

    Shocked 2
    Guest
    Shocked 2

    And for the people who are talking about money and him not wanting to spend the money now and bla bla, most of the community lives beyond their means and in debt! So good for him !

    hmm interesting
    Guest
    hmm interesting

    I’m a girl over the age of 25 and I actually see this guys point. Personally I hate the awkward meeting you for the first time in a car ride where the guy is focusing on the street and not on you anyway. Id rather ride the subway have a chance to compose myself somewhat and walk into a cafe with a guy waiting for me at a table and meet for the first time like that. i would not however want to ride home alone when the hour is late…. also sounds like this guy doesnt enjoy conventional dating.… Read more »

    LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAID!
    Guest
    LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAID!

    He is 25, she is 25! They are both living their lives. Some people at that age and not married just laze around. Even though they are older an working on shidduchim, they are getting their life ahead! As a result, it can be that it is more difficult for him to pick her up, both practically and emotionally (the later to which the comments are picking on). Don’t forget the bigger picture.

    Misplaced priorities...on your Self
    Guest
    Misplaced priorities...on your Self

    Yedid, stop putting your ikur and definition of yourself based on how all your past dates went, on money you will have to sacrifice, rental car details, and all kinds of other distractions (read “shtuyot”). This is Amalek trying to confuse you. Please just focus on the needs of the girl and embrace her… and make her feel that way. Be heimisch and a chosid – and make the girl feel like she is the only one and protected. Take care of her neshoma – she is not a “date”. She is the future mother of your children bH. So… Read more »

    Manners
    Guest
    Manners

    If the bachur doesn’t pick up the girl by car how will she know if he has the proper manners to hold the car door open for her?

    A veteran bochur
    Guest
    A veteran bochur

    I’ve dated many girls. Still don’t know where you’re coming from… It’s it’s just a coffee and you both agree that’s fine. But seriously man, Make her feel special.

    Huh? Really?
    Guest
    Huh? Really?

    You are rude, detached & insensitive! If this is the lack of effort you put into a date dare not imagine the lack of effort you’ll put into a marriage! You just can’t be bothered!
    You need a reality check!!!

    AN interesting point
    Guest
    AN interesting point

    The author makes an interesting point, but needs to learn a thing or two about communication, hopefully before he gets married. I understand not wanting to rent a car for a first date. I get not wanting to invest too much,, but the fact remains that there is a way to explain yourself and say this so that you are respected rather than ridiculed.

    Kabakov
    Guest
    Kabakov

    Back in my day there was no Kabakov. It wasn’t easy getting a car, but I managed to get a car for every date. Today bochurim have it easy.

    Sunflower state
    Guest
    Sunflower state

    My sons did not have cars they always used a car service but the money was wort it to find their beshert

    Pedant
    Guest
    Pedant

    It is not reasonable for a first date to cost more than 100$.

    You are absolutely correct but it’s about supply and demand and there are probably women out there who will insist on the type of men for whom this type of expense is a no brainer. Unless that is you, and maybe even if that is you, you don’t want that woman.

    Renting a car for a first date is absurd. A cab is more than sufficient. If you wish to be chivalrous, send the car.

    To all the people calling him cheap...
    Guest
    To all the people calling him cheap...

    He wrote that it’s not about the money!!

    Halacha
    Guest
    Halacha

    To take a girl in you car is a yichud problem…

    If you don't have money,  a car,  whatever....
    Guest
    If you don't have money, a car, whatever....

    I went on a date with an out of town bochur from a wealthy family who was living in crown heights and over 25 who took a car service instead of renting a car. He was being responsible, and caring making sure not to offend someone else. and not wasting time and money! It didn’t work out but I have no complaints. And I’m happily married!!

    girls are complicated
    Guest
    girls are complicated

    On one hand they claim absolute independence and get upset when they are considered to be weak creatures. And yet, they call it “nasty” when they aren’t chauffeured by their date!
    Confusing.

    agree
    Guest
    agree

    I think the negative comments are because people are missing the point.I think it’s about being more casual,more informal,less stressful!!

    From the girls mother
    Guest
    From the girls mother

    Dear bochur If this is the way you choose to begin your relationship please don’t do it with my daughter. Or niece. Or friends daughter or anyone else’s daughter If it’s too big a deal to pick her up from her house (we won’t get into the problem of not walking in ) how could I expect you to care for her in the future? Or for your kids? You would probably tell them it’s not a big deal if your stuck or the car broke down or there is five feet of snow outside…I’m busy working. This is a… Read more »

    You all got it wrong
    Guest
    You all got it wrong

    The author is correct but for a different reason. The whole concept of dating is a modern idea. Years ago and still today in some communities, potential mates meet in a house. Dating is only one way of meeting your potential. There is no written or accepted rule except for what is done in the secular world. And we all know the success rate of marriage in the secular world. Dating is definitely an accepted option for meeting your potential Zivug. But we don’t have to follow every rule that’s been written by the secular world. We are allowed to… Read more »

    Good Point
    Guest
    Good Point

    Why need a car at all? Why can’t they meet at someone’s home in CH for first date? That’s how it is done in Williamsburg and other communities and it works fine.

    A bochur
    Guest
    A bochur

    I personally feel very uncomfortable meeting for the first time a girl I’ve never seen before.. in a car.
    I would ask (just for the first date) to meet at the date location and then drive her back home of course 🙂
    nothing to do with money…

    Ari
    Guest
    Ari

    I am a very happily married guy who married as an older single, but as a bochur managed to borrow a car for almost every single date. That said, it is impractical to rent a car every time a bochur needs to date. Firstly, the drive to and from the car rental place can take an additional hour or two, which a working bochur doesn’t have. Secondly, even if he can rent a car in CH, it will still cost $60 to rent the car. A taxi is even more expensive and can cost $120 a night. Now, you will… Read more »

    To 39
    Guest
    To 39

    You must have fallen from the moon…..

    disagree
    Guest
    disagree

    whats wrong with treating dating sacred? you are trying to find your bashert and build your future which should be sacred!
    if you don’t want to make a big production out of dating then pick up the girl and take her for coffee.
    picking up a girl is not a concept of shtetl its the gentleman thing to do. in the world when a guy picks up a girl from her house he sometimes buys her flowers

    Car
    Guest
    Car

    Most bachurim don’t have a driving license.

    Rabbanim
    Guest
    Rabbanim

    I think this is for the rabbanim to decide. No point in everyone stating their own opinions.

    i dont get it
    Guest
    i dont get it

    why can he just ask the shadchan which way she prefers. if she wants to get picked up, go that route. we do things to be courteous, to others, particularly on a date.

    First Date is not a date!
    Guest
    First Date is not a date!

    The first date is not a date, it’s the first meeting In the secular world you first meet someone THEN you ask them out on a date. Therefor you need to show the girl that you care about her. In our circles since you don’t know the person can you really call it a date?! Since it’s not a date should you really put on a show that doesn’t show that you care about her rather that you care about what the social norms are and what show you have to put on? I agree with the Author that it’s… Read more »

    Short dating!
    Guest
    Short dating!

    From the comments it seems that people plan on dating for years!!!!!
    Hopefully u did some research to see if this is a potentiol match, and now u r going out to see and feel, if u can build a JEWISH home together!!

    AND HOPEFULLY THIS IS UR BASHERT!!!

    Im mentioning this becsuse it seems that people scheduled dating as part of their life as opposed to a bridge to a more mesningful and important life!!

    of two minds
    Guest
    of two minds

    On the one hand, this writer’s tone either doesn’t serve him well. On the other hand, is there anything more awkward than that initial car meeting and drive to the place? The way home is already different. I can definitely see hte advantage in meeting there. On the other hand, you can often tell a lot about a guy from the way he drives. It can also be hard for women in heels to take public transport and do a lot of standing, waiting, walking etc. To minimize the car awkwardness, dating locally works well, ime. There are plenty of… Read more »

    Pre arranged place
    Guest
    Pre arranged place

    Totally agree with this idea. Would have made the beginning of my first date with my husband a lot less awkward. To the OP -those who NEED to be picked up to prove this guy has absolute devotion and care – don’t bother dating them. Girls take into account other people’s opinions and feelings too. Stop acting like we are some species that must be treated a certain way all the time. Learn to roll with the punches. If you want to be treated as an equal please act like one. You know you are special yay now try to… Read more »

    hmm..
    Guest
    hmm..

    Maybee someone can red a shiddach between #29 and the auther

    To 40
    Guest
    To 40

    Where did you fall from?!? Think you should learn the laws before commenting..

    second time around
    Guest
    second time around

    I understand that today’s world is constantly changing, but seriously, don’t all girls want a gentleman?
    Some things just don’t go out of style, they are classic and I for one, would be totally turned off a guy who told me to meet him somewhere.
    Showing respect, being a gentleman, dating a girl / lady, be a mentch and pick her up EVEN if you have to rent or borrow a car.
    Please, don’t take away the good classic rules.

    dating like adults
    Guest
    dating like adults

    the first and most important step we should take towards dating as adults is finding or creating ways for young men and women to meet in natural settings.

    TO 40
    Guest
    TO 40

    when majority of people say TO PICK HER UP
    you come like am haaretz and state (not even questioning it) that is a yichud problem!!!!

    yes
    Guest
    yes

    This is not a bad idea, its a nice alternative, refreshing. First dates tend to be awkward enough…not to mention a half hour car ride before! Of course, this is only if both parties agree.

    31 year old single male
    Guest
    31 year old single male

    First of all, I want to congratulate those of you that took the time to write out articulate and assertive comments.. I often despair of the chabad community when reading the comments. I never dated in the traditional shiduch sense, I am really turned off by the thought of meeting a girl for the first time by picking her up. I dont live in NY etc although I visit often. Both parties can uber / lyft it.. both can drive to the destination.. take a train.. I am a mentch and a gentleman.. chivalry isnt dead.. you just all have… Read more »

    A SHADCHAN
    Guest
    A SHADCHAN

    I’m a Shadchan with lots of experience. I understand this Bochur . Many of the Bochurim in his age Bracket have spent over $10,000 on dating. So there’s nothing wrong if o the first date they agree to meet somewhere. At the same time if they return late he should make sure she gets home safe and secure.

    Starbucks Has Water
    Guest
    Starbucks Has Water

    I’m under 25 and much rather meet at the location. Since when is it a good idea to be in a car together. Go to the location you’ll be able to leave on your own too and it’s so much easier. Sadly the world i dated in the guys all want to go somewhere you drive to and pick you up to feel so macho. It’s adorable. Go meet at Starbucks. Go on a 5 min date. Stop wasting so much time and money. If you have common goals keep talking until you find unsolvable differences. And yes everything counts… Read more »

    D L
    Guest
    D L

    It is not safe. And if you’re looking for a throwback to the good old days, there was no way that the girl would meet up with the guy at the kretchme. You want the olden days? Go meet up in someone’s house and have tea and cake. It works.
    There are rental companys with rental rates for dates and there’s no need to break the bank. Go to a hotel and sit.

    Communication
    Guest
    Communication

    Just have the shadchan ask the girl what she is comfortable with – it’s the shadchan asking and not the bochur – if she’s ok meeting at the place. The shadchan should make the arrangements the first time.

    Mature
    Guest
    Mature

    I think Lazer has written a mature article – and really wish him all the mazel in the world to find his Basherrt. Agree with no.58 – sounds like number 29 is definately worth considering. Good luck and don’t forget to let us know the good news b’ezras Hashem soon. כתיבה וחתימה טובה לשנה טובה ומתוקה. Moshiach Now

    don't understand...
    Guest
    don't understand...

    I thought the bochur refrains from picking up the girl at her home because, for the most part, dates are scheduled to begin at an hour when there is a lot of street traffic and both the girl and the bochur aren’t interested in becoming the talk of the town, their date discussed by every passing yenteh,or male equivalent thereof. Unless both parties work at locations that are in close proximity to each other, and both agree for the sake of expediency to meet directly after work without going home, it seems rude not to meet the girl/woman a short… Read more »

    WHO CARES. IT'S MINOR DETAILS, AND UP TO YOU!
    Guest
    WHO CARES. IT'S MINOR DETAILS, AND UP TO YOU!

    What is everyone getting worked up for minor details! It all depends on how practical it is. And agree 100% with # 47, I feel the same. If it’s the first date for a young bochur he might not be up to driving a stranger, which could make it hard to “break the ice” . Or he feels better take a taxi. Or if up to it on the first date to drive himself. If they’re over 25 years he probably dated a few before and therefore you don’t want to put him off that he’s required to drive her… Read more »

    Are u all joking?
    Guest
    Are u all joking?

    What?? Having him pick me up from outside my house?? And have all the nosy neighbours peering in?? You must be joking!!

    Hhhmmm
    Guest
    Hhhmmm

    I Would want to pick her up inorder to see what kind of house and car she has

    This is 39 responding to 49
    Guest
    This is 39 responding to 49

    No I did not. I’m just ready to listen to the guy and believe him instead of bashing hin like everyone else is. By the all the bashing must stop! You could be damaging him for a looong time. Yes, maybe he shouldn’t have written the article but now that he did – give him a break!

    Huh? Casual dating?
    Guest
    Huh? Casual dating?

    Isn’t the whole idea of the way we do shiduchim in our world that we don’t meet casually? I thought the whole point is that we are on a sacred quest to meet our bashert. I am certainly not going to judge this bochur because I have no idea what it’s like to be asked to put in that kind of effort when the past few years have been a disappointing and frustrating blur of failed shiduchim. At the same time, if we stop investing in our dates once we hit a certain age, and start letting our past experiences… Read more »

    To 40
    Guest
    To 40

    It is not a problem of yichud because people outside of the car xan see into the car. Even by night!
    So before you say anything like that again, make sure you actually LEARNED the halachos before you say things like that again.

    A girl who agrees
    Guest
    A girl who agrees

    He’s not mistreating anyone if he meets her somewhere. He is making sense and speaking with integrity which as a date is appreciated.

    TOTALLY AGREE!!!!
    Guest
    TOTALLY AGREE!!!!

    The car ride is a-w-k-w-a-r-d. I actually know of the opposite situation- girl asked to meet somewhere and was looked at askance by shadchan and boy.

    I disagree
    Guest
    I disagree

    I think that no matter if you’re 18 or 25, your parents have the right after raising you and caring for you to meet the boy when he picks you up for first date. It doesn’t have to be a half hour farher but if the parents want it, it’s their call. In today’s crazy world parents want to get a glimpse of the stranger..yes he’s a stranger even if they did research..it’s their perogative. Why change the way things were done for years? I do think that on subsequent dates it’s more okay. If he can’t deal either meeting… Read more »

    CH Homeowner
    Guest
    CH Homeowner

    And I know someone who was instructed by the fellow to meet him at such-and-such Starbucks. Problem was, there were actually two Starbucks very near each other. So the girl ended up having to wander from one to the other, looking for someone she had never met. Uncomfortable? Of course.

    WTH
    Guest
    WTH

    ” but if its a whole production just for the first date, many of my friends just don’t want to bother.”

    So dont bother! You aint doing anyone a favor. And PS try keep the ego down a notch. Or five.

    It's only logical
    Guest
    It's only logical

    Most of these comments come from an emotional reaction.

    Nothing wrong with what he stated. He is just being logical.

    Dating
    Guest
    Dating

    To 79. That is why one uses a shadchen…. the idea of parents meeting him is not part of the setup…. they will naturally form an opinion…in 5 minutes!! … why has no one mentioned the Rebbe’s guidiance in “Eternal Joy” ??? THAT is the root of this whole problem !

    To sum this up
    Guest
    To sum this up

    If this girl is immature and feels that she needs this car and glamor from the CH fantasy book on ever single date then obviously they arent for each other – I am older guy in the same boat! And totally agree with the author – many comments show that they don’t understand what he is writing! I have been in dates that we both work in the city so after work we met up! We both saved 5hrs!!! And stress getting back to CH me going Crazy to find a car then driver her back to the city ..parking… Read more »

    SO TRUE!!!
    Guest
    SO TRUE!!!

    This is a very important view people must take into consideration. Yes it true it’d be nice to have a car and all, yet it becomes impractical and a person will be so much more hesitant to date is he would have to spend a fortune of resources for something that would actually be better without in many situations!
    Thank you for voicing your opinion Lazer.

    "why are we treating it like a sacred novelty"
    Guest
    "why are we treating it like a sacred novelty"

    It is a sacred novelty.

    Ridiculous comments
    Guest
    Ridiculous comments

    Crown Heights Divas… He makes total sense. If someone is from out of town and does not have access to a car and is trying to use his time effectively spending half a day renting a car every couple of weeks or possibly days makes no sense. Especially if both are over 25 and presumably have dated quite a bit already – it is not only a complete waste of time and money, it’s just not necessary. Uber is probably cheaper and so much easier but clearly from the comments might be regarded as a total lack of respect –… Read more »

    Mike
    Guest
    Mike

    He has some points for the older crowd. being that I have a lot of friends who are parasites I can’t put my finger on it if he’s one of them that fall in that category it sure smells like it

    Single guy over 25
    Guest
    Single guy over 25

    To those that wrote thoughtfull comments TY for honestly and expressing yourself. If someone feel more comfortable datting in a “different” way that other may think is incorrect, then thats fine. Each of us are put on this world with different personalities and ways of thinking. Chances are that if you need the whole “conventional” dating process then your opposite needs it to. I personally think there is nothing wrong with going the way writer suggest. I personally feel that there is nothing incorrect with meeting someone after a days work without the whole pickup concept. At the end of… Read more »

    You can always meet in a house
    Guest
    You can always meet in a house

    It was good enough for the Rebbe, you can also meet over a dining room table. Why not? Nobody’s rich here. Then after a few dates figure out other options, like a taxi to the park. A train to Cederhurst (there are lots of kosher cafes there) about $11 each way /person. Go to the Airport. There are lots of options- When you start with dates on the town, its bucks. Then there are tznius problems with car services at night. Not sure why people pooh pooh the train. Its certainly not a problem of tznius and you have an… Read more »

    Risk reward ratio
    Guest
    Risk reward ratio

    The investment one has to make to come to a proper conclusion, when making one of the biggest life decisions might cost some money and self inconvenience for the convenience of the girl (and yes the car ride is one of them)

    As to the word shtetl you used to make it seem that this idea is an old time yiddishe one, I wholly disagree and I think it’s a modern day guyishes outlook and its precisely this thinking that makes then so successful in high divorce rate

    Just a thought.
    Guest
    Just a thought.

    As an out of town older single myself, I can definitely understand the perspective of the author. For every effort and trip I make to date, costs me in the hundreds of dollars. It results in taking a few day off from work, flights, rental car, finding a place to stay etc. Yet, I do it happily. Although it sadly sometimes goes unappreciated in way that the girl needs to make time to “squeeze me in” her busy schedule. The effort should be reciprocated. But I degrees. While I somewhat agree with the way typical dating is done today, I… Read more »

    Hatzlocha raba
    Guest
    Hatzlocha raba

    I think you’re either out of touch, or too bruised and battered to care any more. Or maybe you just never learned the basic manners to begin with. But even dating in my 30s, the man who became my husband had enough sense to pick me up at the door and escort me home after. And the date didn’t cost $100 either. One CAN have coffee and use a car service round trip on the date, and take the bus or train to and from her house to work that out. Use your head. But I don’t think this is… Read more »

    Meet in a house
    Guest
    Meet in a house

    There is a lot of pressure on the guy when you go out- his driving, choice of place… When you meet in a house it takes off the pressure, it’s practically free, you don’t have to meet others… Just sit at a table and talk. Many chassidishe boys insist on meeting in a house. And yes the house should be empty so no one listens in. I was told as long as door is unlocked and owners in town it’s not hi bud!

    Rosh hashona
    Guest
    Rosh hashona

    It’s time for all singles to take on a hachlota for the coming year….so hashem will bring them thier zivug..
    Happy new year!

    Retraction - Sorry
    Guest
    Retraction - Sorry

    I wrote a negative comment and when i re-read it i realized that i am simply being nasty for no good reason. I apologies. Lazer has a decent point of view. I think after weighing the pro”s and cons i would not agree with his assessment but it is not deserving of ridicule or getting personal – Sorry!!!

    to all shadchanim
    Guest
    to all shadchanim

    Meeting in a house is tznius
    Meeting in a car isn’t!

    KUDOS TO YOU
    Guest
    KUDOS TO YOU

    Why should he have to pick her up? Its wonderful if he does but if he doesnt, that doesnt mean hes lazy or disrespectful! I feel like there is way too much guy bashing going on. They are people too! Why are people saying that “he doesnt know how to treat a girl?” What about how the girl treats the boy? doesnt that count?

    I see both sides
    Guest
    I see both sides

    As a girl who married late, I can see Lazer’s POV, and I also understand those with a more traditional view. Main point: one must be a mensch, and follow halacha and ensure safety, whichever way one dates. Some guys are more comfortable behind the wheel than anywhere else, interestingly enough. Make sure to date in a variety of places and ways so you get to see different aspects of the person. After all, you won’t be spending your entire life together in the car. A favorite dating story of mine: a great-grandmother, head of a well-respected Lubavitcher family, told… Read more »

    #80
    Guest
    #80

    If the girl couldn’t figure out how to let the guy know that and which one she was in there are bigger problems.

    Been there, done that
    Guest
    Been there, done that

    I met my husband at Starbucks for our first date. It’s was really nice, not stressful, really laid back energy. When we realized things were working out, he started picking me up in relatives cars for our dates (he’s not from CH). 13 years later, he is a wonderful provider and certainly not cheap when it comes to taking care of his wife and family.
    This type of set up works well for some, and not for others. Chill out everyone!

    Meet in a house
    Guest
    Meet in a house

    Meet in a house, if that’s not possible meet at a hotel etc but it’s definitely more kosher not to drive together. Driving causes lots of issues, the smallest of which is the cost involved.

    Dude, MARRIAGE is about THE OTHER PERSON GET OVER YOURSELF
    Guest
    Dude, MARRIAGE is about THE OTHER PERSON GET OVER YOURSELF

    If it’s so annoying to date, why do it? You essentially summed up in your complaints why you don’t really want to get married. If someone told you that they had $1million waiting for you on the other end of town, but you gotta pick up their dry cleaning to get it, you would do it with a smile. Marriage brings the greatest riches in the world, and it is totally worth “trudging through the mud” of shidduchim to find the right one. The light is at the end of the tunnel bro, but you have to stay positive and… Read more »

    older bride
    Guest
    older bride

    There are a few thoughts I heard we are older. It’s too costly. Respect is respect. I feel he can’t decide what he wants to be. I think both people have to discuss what they want to do. If they want to meet or be picked up. The girl should be taken home You don’t have a car take a cab. This is your future wife show respect I’m sorry if it costs the guys money, that’s the way of the world. If he already thinks it’s not worth it. We are asked to date… Do you want a future?… Read more »

    Other words
    Guest
    Other words

    I’m a 24 year old bochur and if I may say the way i feel about things. As a man I think in very concrete real terms, if you can’t quantify it, it doesn’t really exist. So what is each party investing in a meeting? The boy money, time. The girl, time Now you will say for a boy you throw on a suit and show up while a girl has to spend hours dressing and emotionally preparing herself. But as a man I don’t speak that language. So let’s say the date goes terrible, I walk out of there… Read more »

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