By Danit Schusterman
As a fellow educator for over 25 years finishing up my MS in Education and Special Education, a Parenting Coach, and a parent of teenagers, I have a few thoughts I want to share in response to the op-ed “The Greatest Difference Between Then and Now.”
I was speaking to a young woman in her early 20s named Sara B. I asked her what she thought of the label of her generation being the ‘ME’ generation and being called entitled.
She smiled and said, “Yes, we are entitled. Children today are more in tune and informed that they deserve to have goodness in their lives. That’s what the times of Moshiach are all about. Our neshamos are more in tune with geula than any other generation of neshamos. And so yes – when we experience things that are not ideal, we know that perfection is possible.
“We know that the lack of perfection is a galus reality, not a Moshiach reality. We are the Geula generation. We are entitled to a good world, and it’s possible that the past generation didn’t realize that they were also entitled to it, but we realize this, and we are going to get this.
“To take this even further, we are not going to stand for an external Yiddishkeit experience- some call it a lack of Kabbalas Ol and others can call it what the Rebbe was saying the entire time: do what you can to bring Moshiach. The concept of Kabbalas Ol- do it because I said so, this worked in a past world. It worked in Soviet Russia because that was a time where as a Jew, one just had to keep going no matter how bad life was. That worked back then and it actually gave tremendous strength to Yiddishkeit today.
“Our generation is about making Yiddishkeit real. It can’t be at an external level anymore. We need to know WHY, we want it to be true and real and meaningful. Things can’t just be at action level anymore, it’s not sustainable. We need to know more, and we need to feel a real connection.
“The past generation was scared of their children losing their Yiddishkeit, and so it seemed the only way to keep it going was with gevurah, manipulation, and control. Just get the kids to do it; it doesn’t matter how. And this way of thinking was applied to parenting as well.”
The Rambam teaches that ‘the chachomim instructed a man to evaluate his traits, to calculate them and to direct them along the middle path’. There is gentle parenting and there is ‘masculine parenting’. The goal is to get to a healthy middle ground where parents and educators are able to make healthy and clear boundaries with a kind and loving approach to a generation of children that clearly need more.
The greatest difference between then and now is that this generation of children is transforming the world. They are forcing us to dig deep and work on ourselves because we cannot possibly be good parents or educators without working on ourselves.
‘Because I said so’ no longer works, and that’s okay. These kids need more, and we have the luxury to give them more. We also have the luxury to do the inner work needed to be a better parent, educator, and person.
So instead of trying to fight the Gevurah of Tough Love or bash the Chesed of Gentle Parenting, let’s work on finding that beautiful balance of Tiferes in Balanced Parenting and having the wisdom of when and how to use each of those respective strategies.
Doesn’t actually address the previous article.
the really horrifying thing is the kids who grew up with having and using computers, smart phones, especially having their own, ipads, laptops, and all their own devices, constantly checking them, having social media, being influenced by these and constantly looking at screens. Terribly evil. Don’t give your kids these. this is the first generation that actually grew up with these evil screens, having their own, having social media. The generation above them didn’t even get phones that Aren’t smart phones until they reached middle or high school. Social media is extremely evil and dangerous. Screentime is dangerous. Watch out.… Read more »
See Likkutei Sichos Chelek 3 Parshas Zachor for why was King Shaul wrong if he made the most sense and how he was lacking true Kabolas Ol.
If read carefully one may argue that we may derive an important foundation in serving HaShem which is that we dont have kabolas ol because it makes sense but rather we make snese of things because of kabolas ol.
couldn’t disagree more
There are some chukim and there are many mitzvos that can be explained
You’re right, it’s not “Do it because I said so”
It means “Do it because Hashem said so”
If it’s all about doing it because I said, that’s where the problems begins. But if we can give children somewhat of somewhat of an understanding (and appreciation) of G-D, and what a soldier is, than kabolas ol becomes doing it because Hashem said so.. and who wouldn’t want to do that.
Who wouldn’t want to do that?
The same yetzer hara that wouldn’t want to do it for their parents….
Either one reigns it in successfully for both Hashem and parents or one doesn’t.
Some kids will have a harder time mastering the skill than others but it’s equally important for everyone to learn
To train leVaVcha the Veis to love Hashem too! The Yetzar tov has to train the yetzar hara and with that BOTH souls will yearn for G-d and have kabalos ol! (Basi Legani for reference)
Wow! Beautiful paradigm shift.
Kabbalos ol and learning more isn’t an oxymoron, we teach our kids this is how it is . We do things because that’s what Hashem said. Through learning we can understand the meaning and gain more connection but the first thing starting from lech lecha was Kabbalas Ol. This is how we bring up our kids they need to listen to parents and teachers because they are our parents and teachers . We have an obligation to teach them the beauty, Joy and meaning but Naseh then Nishma.
Excellent article.
Gentle patenting is not permissive patenting its tiferes (as described in this article.)
It’s hard for this generation to use this method right, because it requires a lot of inner work.
The parents of this generation were mostly brought up with gevurah, and it’s hard to break generational trends.
The problem is that those choosing to go the route of gentle parenting are doing so in “rebellion” a lot of the time. Which equals not doing the inner work rather letting your emotions (i.e generally yetzer hara) guide you.
Couldn’t agree more, there is nothing wrong with seating boundaries and deciding for you kids what’s good for them rather then giving them at such a young age the feel that they have “power” to rule over you or whatever
I dont understand. The foundation of everything needs to be kabbalas ol. yes, understanding is important, but our observance of Yiddishkeit can’t be based on waiting until we understand. there are so many sources for this idea. This seems like a fundamental idea in yiddishkeit. How can we say it no longer applies? the haskala movement, the tzidukim, they all based their Yiddishkeit on what made sense to them. kabalas ol didn’t speak to them either. kabbalas ol does not necessarily equal a gruff parent or educator roughly saying because I said so. and it doesn’t mean we can’t seek… Read more »
Yiddishkeit without Kabbalos Ol is not chas vshalom a middle ground. It’s Haskala r”l. A middle ground is a basis of Kabbalos Ol followed by a whole child approach to learning. Giving them the ability to question and ask and grow and then instilling within them the strength to overcome any challenges through self-discipline.
Sounds like the author has some good points, balancing different methods, but throwing out Kabbalos Ol, a foundation of Yiddishkeit is not balance.
The difference between them and now is that the kabolas ol has to be internalized by the child. It can’t be second hand, i.e. you have to do it because I’m imposing this on you. We need to use creative approaches to get inside the mind of the child, to understand their obstacles and how we can work around them. It takes a lot more effort on the part of the parent.
I don’t think I takes a lot of creative approaches. Instead the most basic and important thing. Being a role model. If it’s real by yourself, children can see that and they admire it
Exactly. Changing of the guard. B”H
You may be right – you may be wrong , but where do you base your ideas on? Your gut feeling? Your “MS in education” teachers? These are at best personal opinions – at worst, further inroads made by the winds of change that our community has recently become inundated with, which are not necessarily ruach yisroel saba.
Learn the halachos about balancing our traits in life, except anger (and humility). Anger is meant to be zero. To put that into today’s terms, you don’t get triggered. And that’s not an explanation, that’s the simple meaning. If you don’t understand it though, maybe it is time to do some self work. All the best
Love love ❤️
Yes. That’s always the end goal. Sometimes one has to go to an extreme to counter an extreme, but the end game is to center on the balance point. Well said, Danit.
The last paragraph in the article is the only one that speaks truth. Balanced living as well as parenting is usually best. However, the notion of being entitled because we know we are the generation of the geulah be”H is as confused as this generation is!! Today’s youth feel entitled materially. Halevai they internalized what they learn and lived entitled spiritually.
Even in previous generations . kapbolos ol’ means accepting the yoke . When authority makes unreasonable requests and demands kabolos ol- that is hatolas ol-placing a yoke. The value of kabolos ol is that one conjures the emotions and trust to just accept . Kabolos ol can never be considered a modality of chinuch as it up to the recipient whether to accept or reject but doesn’t allow the authority or educator free rein to do as they please. Want to teach the value of kabolos ol? Explain to the child how freeing it is to accept the yoke of… Read more »
Said beautifully
So do you also agree that kids shouldn’t be allowed to make outlandish rules and demands that adults must comply too?
Seems like the roles have inverted and it’s even more destructive
Thank you for standing up for us.
Those that went to therapy for their childhood and those that did not yet
How about all those kids who will end up medicated for life because they were never taught to handle a no or control their impulse?
We ain’t doing them any favors either by catering to their wims thinking they will do better
You should learn about this approach before trying to argue against it, because no one is advocating for letting your kids do whatever they want
Proper therapy does not require medication. Therapy is meant to understand your emotions and get deeper in touch with yourself.
(The few exceptionsto where it is needed is where someone physically has a chemical imbalance in his body)
Yes, todays generation has to be taught from the inside out, not from the outside in. But kabolos ol’ is so deep and beautiful and meaningful and such a yesod. Also in this generation we’re greedy to get and experience it all but there is still concealment, things that can’t be understood and that makes room for our biggest accomplishments and contributions and gifts to Hashem which will enable the geulla shlaima to finally completely manifest like the avoda of developing personal bitachon. There is a lot of beauty, strength, and inspiration in our avoda! And we must figure out… Read more »
Sounds good Feels good But is it good? By the fruit one can judge it’s seed. Might this explain the utter breakdown of any sense of self reflection, self control, boundaries and respect that children nowadays unfortunately project? Might this excuse the utter lack of leadership, guidance and direction that parents are too afraid to show their own children these days too? Our children need more and deserve parents who drive the car and don’t just sit in the driver’s seat but are constantly looking back for their child’s approval. The shift to prioritize our children’s happiness over their learned… Read more »
If we read what the Rebbe wrote about why he created Tzivos Hashem and how it works, and apply it to everything else in education, we will be able to reach our children
the old saying “it’s not what you say, its how you say it”.
How about presenting it this way, next time tell your child calmly “Hashem wants children to listen to their parents, after you listen and follow through, I will explain it to you.
נעשה ונשמע
I disagree with this article it does not address what the other one said and the kinda justified the behavior of kids to be okey when the “feel intune with משיח” like since when? There is nothing wrong with seating boundaries and teaching your children to be a mentch, I don’t mean to have them under a spell ect I’m talking about being balanced that they know you love them no matter what you show that to them and at the same time there is some things that are not allowed what so ever. I have seen first hand familys… Read more »
There is kabbolas ol and there is prikas ol. If children grow up in a home where the parents are overtly or covertly saying, “Why should I do that?” then kabbolas ol is off the table.
Gentle gentle gentle…the outside is stronger than us so let’s love them so they don’t leave us Honestly, as i go to shabbos meals by people’s homes or step into home’s and visit stam, i am shocked to see the chutzpa, ignorance, and anger children have towards parents, siblings, and to everything in general. Now, you’d think – oh boy maybe they are frying out because parents are being too tough on them or whatever. NOPE. These parents are literally the softest, relaxed, calm parents ever. The kids are everywhere, on the other hand. Stuffing their mouths with sugar, lashing… Read more »
Now this is a great reply, and as a teacher and administrator I’m seeing the same things. I even overheard a Kindergartener telling her teacher she is so tired because she goes to bed so late. She asked her teacher “Can you tell my mommy to let me go to sleep earlier?” Kids NEED boundaries to be healthy and thrive.
These are nice sounding words.
But the author is actually dishonoring previous generations by claiming that they kept Yiddishkeit in a more superficial way than we, who she implies, are more enlightened.
This attitude is part of the problem, because without a clear honoring of previous generations–not for their perfection, but simply for being transmitters of mesorah– there cannot be Yiddishkeit bssed on Torah.