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Wednesday, 13 Kislev, 5780
  |  December 11, 2019

Before Spreading Shidduchim Lies

From the COLlive inbox: "Unless it's a fact you've seen with your own eyes, please don't be a part of the hate and the lies." Full Story

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Rochel
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Rochel

Hashem rules the world! The right guy or girl will only hear great things about you! No need to worry

Agree with caveat
Guest
Agree with caveat

if someone is ASKED, it’s their obligations to tell what you know… Or what is being said. But the way to do it is to present the information, say honestly you haven’t seen it, but do your research. I’m sure you disagree with this, but having been lied to (through omission as well as directly) by someone I thought was a friend, I see firsthand the damage that is caused to the entire family. Had we known during our research what we know now, I don’t think we would have let them go out. It’s very painful to have wrong… Read more »

You're supposed to judge another Yid only on the side of merit!
Guest
You're supposed to judge another Yid only on the side of merit!

Also the way we pass judgment on another Yid down here below is the same way and measure that we will be judged up above after 120, if G-d forbid Moshiach is delayed. Only if you are sure about an issue and know for a fact it is true may you tell it to the concerned party.

Yeah!
Guest
Yeah!

Why should I have to suffer for other people’s lies?

confused
Guest
confused

Is there ONE person who doesn’t really know you talking bad about you and affecting your kids shiduchim or are there many people saying bad things about you?
Why would all those strangers pick on you? Or do they do it to everyone?
If many people talk bad about you, is there maybe a reason for that?

to the author
Guest
to the author

I really did enjoy your rhyme
and here i will reply at the same time
your words are true and people must watch out
we have to always give the benefit of the doubt
yet people do tend to stick for one another
especially if it’s involving their brother
but if there was a quarrel with your next door neighbor
automatically it’s falls into “they have negative behavior ”
at the end, we do see
it was hashem who guided us very unrealistically!

No 2
Guest
No 2

I dont think shes saying that you shouldn’t reveal pertinent information, rather your specific opinion about things that you dont actually have firsthand knowledge of. I can say personally, i’ve heard of people who i dont know, but somehow i think, oh yes i heard such and such about them, which makes me judge them on that immediately, without even knowing where i heard it, if from someone who had a grudge against them, if its true etc….

Even when there's nothing wrong..
Guest
Even when there's nothing wrong..

..be careful with the way you say your words. Dont say theyre mediocre or average but there a nice guy you just dont know their personality that well or that shes quiet and in her head no shes just thoughtful and knows hoe to manage things on her own well

Thanks for sharing
Guest
Thanks for sharing

Very important info

Correct
Guest
Correct

I saved someone from marrying into a nasty family and he was forever greatful to me. Don’t understand the point of this article

Beautifully written
Guest
Beautifully written

People really need to know the halachos of shmiras halashon, especually when it coms to shiduchim. If someone asks you point blank about a medical issue of habit that could impact the well-being of the couple, you CANNOT LIE. Does the person in question have a mental health issue? If someone asks you, and you KNOW (not something you heard on Facebook) the person is or should be under treated for heart disease, drug addiction, schitzsophrenia, etc you cannot lie and say “there are no health issues”. You could say “i don’t have sufficient knowledge” or “I prefer not answer”,… Read more »

Hey get over it
Guest
Hey get over it

The world will not channge for you! Of course people don’t k is what they are talking about when they have t seen if with their eyes but that is bad on them not you! Have the attitude of “who cares”? U love your life with your self who you obviously accept and stay close with the peopppe that respect you and that’s it. You do t need the whole world to be your friend and their is nothing wrong by not feeling accepted by every person. I think once you realize this you will gain the confidence and walk… Read more »

wow same thing yesterday
Guest
wow same thing yesterday

i confronted my daughters old high school principle in a very respectful and positive manner , for turning away more then one shidduch , with her blatent lies regarding our family ( not my daughter who she sung praises to the sky), i’ve only met on afew school accession and she admittedly said she doesn’t know us that well. No denial yet no opology ,just more insults . Not really bothered as the Abishter makes Shidduchim but a Rov told me i must put a stop to it , not only for me but for other girls she’s probably doing… Read more »

Aren't you guys chassidim??
Guest
Aren't you guys chassidim??

The baal shem tov said! Beleive nothing what you hear and half of what you see bc all the children of Hashem are perfect!!

Shidduchim Are From Above....
Guest
Shidduchim Are From Above....

There is something called “Emunas Hashem” and when a person lacks Emunah they start with the blaming. Understand that your parents and grandparents before them all got married and found their respected Shidduchim because of the One Above. Ranting about what she says or he said will get us nowhere just start believing in the Creator and Daven for those that may have spoken bad about you cause your biggest power is Tefillah and nothing else.

No they really should say something
Guest
No they really should say something

A marriage just fell apart because the wife found out about the husband having past inappropriate contact with children. This is a great idea, but honestly some people’s skeletons do need to be found. If you have skeletons in your closet and know it, maybe it’s time to confront them instead of cover them up and blame the “haters”. Be a grown up, face your problems and move forward.

reminder
Guest
reminder

It’s erev shabbos and remember we must, about yosef moker shabbos and his ultimate trust. The catch here though is of a different kind, tracht gut vet zain gut and a diamond you will find.

So true
Guest
So true

And very very painful

Simcha is right!
Guest
Simcha is right!

The writer means that we shouldn’t say something negative if we don’t know FOR A FACT that it’s true. A boy’s name came up for my daughter, and one neighbor told me the mother is mentally ill. I checked further and found out she’s NOT mentally ill: she’s just eccentric, dresses in an odd way, and doesn’t socialize or invite anyone to her home. My daughter then went out with the boy. (It didn’t work out, but they’re both married now B”H. He married a French girl who may not have heard the damaging rumors.) I went back to the… Read more »

Just a question
Guest
Just a question

What if they aren’t lies?

There is much written about this by Rabbonim. Very helpful
Guest
There is much written about this by Rabbonim. Very helpful

How certain must one be of a particular detail in order to repeat it? In order to represent something as fact, one must know the information from personal observation, and not based on something he has only heard from someone else. The Torah sees secondhand “knowledge” as possibly inaccurate and it is, therefore, a potentially dangerous source (see Chafetz Chaim 10:2; Rechilus 9:2). However, there are instances where the halachah does rely on secondhand information, or even on a persistent rumor. For instance, the Gemara (Megillah 25b) records that it is permissible to publicly shame a person who is rumored… Read more »

Moshe
Guest
Moshe

To # 2 it’s your obligation to tell the truth of what you know not what is being said what’s being is not necessarily the truth

People change, you don't know everyone you think you know!!
Guest
People change, you don't know everyone you think you know!!

I know somebody that has a child that was very wild and had a lot of issues when she was little but she grew up and out of it and now she’s a chassidishe good girl, with a great job and great middos. The thing is everyone is still judging her for the way she was when she was younger and not even giving her a chance. People are constantly spreading nasty rumors about her which are completely false so it ruins it for her. Because even though you’re right in the fact there is a shidduch for everyone and… Read more »

Stop all the accusing
Guest
Stop all the accusing

Let people do what they want even if it’s not your standard or moral value. People are people and they make mistakes, yes they can ruin someonea life but everything is from Hashem. And for all those who shared personal stories even if you didn’t stories say names it is still a form of lashon hara and disrespectfull to them, maybe think again next time

there are unfortunately many  cases where a parent
Guest
there are unfortunately many cases where a parent

is not what you would call put together, however we know from tanya that a holy soul can come into this world through a low level soul, l have no idea what people say about us, l’m not around people, l do mitzoim as the rebbe asked, learn my chitas and do my best with my children and do hope for the right soul for my children shabbos shalom

truth
Guest
truth

a fact should be told. an opinion not. an opinion is based on your perception of the issue. you compare to yourself. someone not as smart as you is seen as stupid by you, someonre not as generous as you (who might be brilliant and very generous) is seen by you compared to yourself

All is from hashem
Guest
All is from hashem

Look people can say what they want. It’s not nice to say bad things about others even if they are true.
Let people say what they want hashem has a plan for each girl each boy each person. He will put them together with there bashert no matter what others say. Stop worrying about what wrong others do. Look at the good side. Hashem has a beautiful path for you and the family. May you have trumendous simcha and a sach nachas from all your children!

Say the truth
Guest
Say the truth

How many times do people “fall in” because
those that know the truth, cover up for their good friends
and lie. What is the point of doing research if
people don’t give honest information?

The flip side
Guest
The flip side

Spreading lies is lashon hara, rechilus and motzie shem ra, but deliberately holding back pertinent information from someone is lifnei iveir.

If you are called as a reference for a shidduch, be very careful that you stay within the parameters of the question asked. If you feel uncomfortable providing information, simply state that you don’t wish to discuss certain things, but certainly don’t lie.

Schools should discuss this!
Guest
Schools should discuss this!

Girls and bochurim should really be taught how to answer reference calls and all the halachos involved. I remember having a hard time figuring out what to say until Mrs. Feldman taught us in sem beis and we asked her that question

Agree with #5 and #10
Guest
Agree with #5 and #10

It’s a matter of perspective, if it is several people saying something about you – then maybe you should take a closer as to the reason and while you may not think it’s an issue, it truly is. I personally prefer to disclose information as well as request information to be disclosed to me, because many times, I don’t need to have my child get hurt, as well as to prevent someone else’s child get hurt. After that, it’s all in Hashem’s hand.

Enough
Guest
Enough

the level of loshon hara in this community is disturbing. the further we get from gimmel Tammuz the worse it gets. Those looking for shidduchom now are paying the price for their parents sins.

 "Unless it's a fact you've seen with your own eyes, please don't be a part of the hate and the lies."
Guest
"Unless it's a fact you've seen with your own eyes, please don't be a part of the hate and the lies."

I disagree with this first line.

Even if you saw it with your own eyes you still don’t know the whole story and or exactly what happened

Agree with #29, the flip side
Guest
Agree with #29, the flip side

Also just because they’re may be a group of people saying the same thing it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s Emes. Birds of a feather flock together. It could still just be a nasty rumor. But you have a right to go to a responsible and reliable source to have it verified. X

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