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Be Your Child’s Parent

From the COLlive Inbox: "Our ancestors of yesteryear would be quite shocked to see how we raise and educate our children nowadays," writes Shoshanna Silcove. Full Story

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August 20, 2017 4:27 am

“We wont allow them to skip brochos”. How do you enforce a child to make brochos on their food – do you take away their food until they make the brocho? I’m just asking…

It takes actual courage sometimes to post your true name,
August 17, 2017 11:03 am

because there are people who respond according to who you are, and not necessarily to what you wrote about unfortunately. Kol Tov!

Shoshanna Silcove
August 17, 2017 7:33 am

I have broader shoulders than those who choose to remain anonymous. What else can one say about people who hide while they hurl insults to someone publicly except that they are indeed cowards? By the way, I am not in chinuch. I am a business woman by occupation.

In response to author
August 16, 2017 11:34 pm

In regards to calling ppl cowards… things can be disscussed openly without name calling and if someone has broad shoulders then they should speak in a dignified manner. Whether ppl agree with You or not as an author and as someone in chinuch, your controlled polite response would really be respected. Just like rav Hillel response to the layman that was trying to get him angry. You definitely have many strengths in life may you be successful in all you do.

Chulents are for Shabbos
August 16, 2017 10:58 am

“The old way had its advantages in that it created much more obedient children and less rebelliousness.” Who are we kidding? From the inception of the haskallah movement till the end of holocaust, the attrition rate was vastly higher than it is today (BH). The Fiddler on the Roof story was not made up in Hollywood, it was happening everywhere, even in the chotzrois of our Rabeim (RL). If anything, our Rebbe was the first to emphasize the child and gave him much more focus than seen in previous generations. Tzivos Hashem, multiple rally’s a year and the list goes… Read more »

Re context your sentence
August 16, 2017 10:18 am

Every child IS a unique individual with their own personality traits, desires, moods, talents, and special potential that the parents and teachers must respect and cultivate.

There is no perfect recipe for success
August 16, 2017 9:56 am

Bringing up children requires constant learning and reassessment. There are many angles to it and many valid ideas to pick up. I think the message here is not to be afraid of your child. You want your child to look up to you as a source of strength and stability, who creates reasonable boundaries because you love them.
Thank you, Shoshana for getting us thinking.

Why all the fuss?
August 15, 2017 10:54 pm

I am blown away by how much anger this article has brought up! Every person is entitled to their own views as to how they raise their children, but to attack the author to such an extent because she has had the courage to put hers in a public forum?! I personally think there is a lot of validity to her views. We have a problem with a lack of respect from our children like never before so this leads me to believe we aren’t getting it all right. I think it’s fine to ask your kids their opinion, even… Read more »

To #30
August 15, 2017 6:28 pm

I appreciate your openness. but just because i wouldn’t put my name i am a “immature coward”?? the last person to tell me that was a teacher who couldn’t control us and we used to destroy things and he couldn’t figure out who did it so he called us that. (he quit after 2 months) . point being if we are having a logical conversation- there is no logic in such a phrase.
shmuel munkes

to 17
August 15, 2017 6:19 pm

the reason there arent as many agunos anymore is because its a lot harder to run away these days, just saying

Spot on
August 15, 2017 4:39 pm

Why is everyone so defensive? The author is not judging you.
Facts are many parents are afraid to discipline their kids.
Many parents are insecure in their roles & want to be their child’s friends.
And why the personal attacks? So what if the author raised one child? Emes is emes & we should only daaven that we do as good a job as she did.
Carry on…

Shoshanna Silcove
August 15, 2017 4:36 pm

Regarding some of the comments. To those who gave me kudos for writing this with my name I thank you. The Rebbe was against nameless writings or pashkvillin so I sign mine. To those who posted mean-spirited comments, I have broad shoulders so immature cowards who hide behind their keyboards and type out silly insults do not upset me. I welcome discussion and debate of issues. The purpose of an article like this is to get people thinking and talking about issues. However, before posting your disagreement, I suggest you actually read the article, as more than a few comments… Read more »

Ahavas Yisrael
August 15, 2017 4:32 pm

Some of the comments here seem to be aimed at the author personally rather than her thesis. Not a very good example of ahavas yisrael by the chabad community

Kudos for putting your J. Hancock on this article!
August 15, 2017 4:17 pm

A few people have gotten very controversial articles posted without their names on it. Whether you agree with everything or not, she couldn’t have put this on collive.com on her own. Collive are the censors here and obviously approved it as is.

rebbes video..TODAY
August 15, 2017 1:30 pm

For My Children? Only the Best!” – Part 1

30 Av 5742 – August 19, 1982
it clearly is a strong message in this area

Great article
August 15, 2017 12:38 pm

So important to get back to the basics of parental control without abuse. Think how you would run your house if you were not afraid of your children’s reactions. Now go implement some good rules and stop letting your kids manipulate you. They will thank you for teaching them proper respect and middos. And their future spouses will be forever grateful to you for raising children who know how to live happily without always getting everything they want.

To #18
August 15, 2017 12:34 pm

If u read the article u would see that she actually supports modern ideas on how to raise children, just don’t take it to far

LA Morah
August 15, 2017 12:30 pm

Kudos to the author for signing her name. The last time I did that I really paid a price. Parenting is difficult especially in our times. It’s very difficult to not be at least subtly influenced by today’s topsy turvy culture of victimization,chutzpah and lack of gratitude. We all need a reminder now and then.

קבל את האמת ממי שאומרו
August 15, 2017 10:53 am

There are many comments that seem to attack the messenger as an excuse to dismiss the message. We can learn something from anybody and anything we hear and see (Baal Shem Tov). The point is very clear: treating our children as another human is essential however, don’t treat them as a friend. All in Moderation. Experience has shown that children appreciate and grow in structured environments. To comment #9: not sure what your talking about with the baby chick. If u mean שילוח הקן your taking a Mitzva totally out of context. (See ברכות פרק ה משנה ג) and btw… Read more »

The line
August 15, 2017 10:53 am

You didn’t really explain the middle line you just explained the two extremes???

August 15, 2017 10:15 am

Everyone complains when the author does not put his/her name. But as you can see- when they do – they are attacked personally. No one should mention the author’s private life and especially attack her for it. This is a valid debate- authoritarian, versus authoritative, versus permissive parenting. There are valid points to be brought up. The flavor of the day is for children’s creativity to be brought out. Unfortunately that is often at the cost of kabbalas ol. Soldiers are taught to follow instructions blindly. Otherwise they could not be good soldiers. When children are not taught kabbalas ol… Read more »

August 15, 2017 10:06 am

Of today’s parents are doing the best they can with the tools they have, and striving to learn more.
Go us parents!!

well written and to the point
August 15, 2017 9:38 am

thank you so much

lots of very valid points
August 15, 2017 9:29 am

main thing is:
Whatever we choose MUST be in line with the Torah and halacha and not our whims, desires or whats currently in style

Arranged MArriages?
August 15, 2017 9:09 am

Thats why there were many Agunas.
Shoshona Please dont drive a car bacause they didnt in those days.
Dont use modern kitchens because they didnt have them.
Times have changed. Abuse of yesterday DID NOT work!!
People are starting to live!!
Thats Moshiach times!

Magnificsent article!
August 15, 2017 8:33 am

To the point!

Yes! - right on!
August 15, 2017 8:23 am

Very good point – about the pitfall of a parent being so nice, so permissive, so understanding – that he ceases to be a parent and instead becomes the child’s friend – all in the name of
making the child feel “good”. Giving a child choices in certain (less important) things is good but giving them choices in more essential (or family) choices can bring out chutzpah (as he thinks he is equal to his parent).,,,

totally agree
August 15, 2017 8:07 am

100% agree- well written
one of the things that really upsets me is the lack of respect that children have; for their parents as well as other people they see in the street. if a child says something inappropriate to someone they don’t know, it’s the parents’ job to let the child know that this behavior is unacceptable.

Childhood obesity epidemic is part of this trend.
August 15, 2017 7:54 am

Parents in the past did not worry about appearing to be over-controlling when they limited snacks, treats, second helpings, and large portions. Now we are concerned about children sneaking these foods or over-eating due to rebellion against parents who control the fridge and pantry. We lose site of the fact that we may be allowing children to live significantly shorter lives (chas v’sholem) due to our failure to set limits and help them moderate their intake. I am sure that this post will be attacked as fat shaming but I have personally seen the dire consequences of allowing children to… Read more »

August 15, 2017 7:27 am

It is a gross misrepresention of historical reality to suggest that because Shlomo said “al pi darkoi”, that all systems of education were correct or even adequate! The secular world has discovered many advanced and healthy ways to interact with children, and I highly recommend that for the sake of our children’s pscologigal health, we get of our high horse, and embrace this new, dare I say Messianic age, of how to treat children….

Modern Psychology is not the Problem
August 15, 2017 7:05 am

By coincidence I once took an Early Childhood Education Class alongside a Child Psychology Class. Psychology isn’t the problem, the parents and early educators are. I don’t want to sound so harsh, but ECE encourages self exploration and not denying a child. Psychology encourages boundaries and exploration through discipline. The problem today is that children are not being give boundaries because parents believe any boundary they give their child that causes a tantrum is damaging them, that’s an ECE approach not a Child Psychology approach. Child Psychology wants parents to lead the way with strength and not cower at the… Read more »

Good Onya, Shoshanna!
August 15, 2017 6:59 am

You should write more often.
You are on the mark, and you write well.
A breeze of fresh air here.

a little knowledge is dangerous
August 15, 2017 6:40 am

i will start with a sensational and eye catching first line: you have no idea what you are talking about! you are spewing out rhetoric that is so damaging in the world today and even more serious to a community that does not understand and needs a tremendous amount of support with the very complex and deep rooted issues of child psychology and child development. first think of this…in your fairy tale land of Kings and wise men knowing the way…which in another perspective at another time being told with a different context is absolutely 100 percent correct and has… Read more »

Thank You
August 15, 2017 5:46 am

Excellent Article – well expressed – hard to know exactly where to draw the line. Give your children plenty love and attention but as the author says – you are not their friend or classmate – you are their parent – make sure they know the difference.

stereotype Orthodox
August 15, 2017 5:43 am

you write:

“for a little girl to choose whether or not she wears her pink skirt or her blue one for Shabbes. Nothing will go awry if a boy is asked what parts of Torah he enjoys learning the most”

How about changing the genders, and writing:

“for a little girl to choose what part of Torah she enjoys learning the most, . Nothing will go awry if a boy is asked which Yarmulka he wants to wear, the blue or the green”

Just sayin’

August 15, 2017 5:38 am

Tl;dr (to summarize) Kids are more independent today. But draw a line and don’t allow a anything not respectful or non appropriate, otherwise they’ll become non respectful and disobedient…

I think this is pretty much understood, or is that the point of the author to bring attention to those parents that have given their children too much freedom that it’ll have detrimental effects?

Not impressed.
August 15, 2017 3:29 am

Do you feel better now? You got that off your chest. Nice judging!

Baseless accusations
August 15, 2017 2:59 am

Your overall point is not incorrect but you are making so many assumptions about what parents do and think and basing your judgements and “advice” on those. Your condescending tone about the failure of parents today is uncalled for. You are not experiencing the pressures parents are under today from every aspect of financial, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects and therefore are not in a position to comment. You are not a person involved in chinuch or child psychology or anything in that field at all, so from what authority are you judging, commenting and blaming parents for everything? You’ve… Read more »

Interesting, but...
August 15, 2017 12:55 am

I agree that, first and foremost; basic manners, common decency, and honesty, should be taught; no! actually modeled, and prioritized! And not just to your own clique, community, people; but to everyone, everywhere. And to properly and actually, be taught and shown, what a Kiddush/Chillul Hashem is. This is actually something, that is so lacking in the frum community today. Yet, I disagree with the old-school mentality of, a parent shouldn’t (also) be their children’s friend, on a level. Times are different now, and better than the days of old, especially when it comes to human/women’s/victim’s rights, where people actually… Read more »

does the author even know what she's talking about?
August 14, 2017 11:53 pm

I doubt whether this author even knows anything about early childhood psychology. What has she read that has given her the impression that it’s all letting the child do what they want? It seems to me that the author has such a misunderstanding of what contemporary childhood psychological literature has to say on child rearing. How can al pi darko mean according to the childs way ACCORDING to what the parent thinks the child’s way is? Isn’t that the exact opposite of according to the child’s way? And how can she even hint at the idea that a slight does… Read more »

not bad
August 14, 2017 11:51 pm

The modern view of what pre-modern people thought about, well, pretty much everything is basically is a giant fuzzyy strawman, a self serving prop to be lit ablaze in tribute to the modern age, to us moderns, the rightful heirs of the hero pioneers of ‘Age of Enlightenment.’ (The most successful and most self-serving branding instance in the history of marketing). We know tons about children and education and people now, which is why a married mother and father with kids is anachronistic and why you should prefer to send your kids to collect leaves in the forest all day… Read more »