By Boruch Sholom Wolf for COLlive.com
By the grace of G-D, I broach this tragic topic as an outsider.
As a child, I imagined poverty as ‘Berel who couldn’t pay rent to his landowner and was on the brink of landing in the dungeon.’
It was greatly an abstract concept as relevant to me as Thomas Edison‘s antiquated inventions. It is abstract no more, and is intensifying with breathtaking vigor, r”l. The shame, challenges and heartbreak is unfathomable. I would like to attempt to present several points to alleviate the potency of this bitter reality.
1. If you’re in poverty, don’t allow shame to bog you down. There are many others currently in your situation. Your financial woes may not be your fault whatsoever. Though you should certainly try to uplift yourself out of poverty, please don’t allow pride to diminish your opportunity to be a beneficiary of welfare or the various chesed outlets, as you search for a viable parnasa. We pray to provide our families with dignity, but, Heaven forefend, if they are not provided for whatsoever, the repercussions can be tragic.
2. If you’re a child of parents in poverty, or of parents struggling not to fall into poverty, be considerate. Your parents’ love for you ought to be appreciated and cherished more than any materialistic pleasure that they can ever give you. Please don’t make requests of your parents that you know they will have to deny you with broken hearts. Expensive seminaries, weddings, Bar mitzvas and clothing may G-D forbid cause harm to your family more than any temporary gratification that it may give you at the moment.
If your parents are making ends meet nicely, thank Hashem and pray for these brochos to only flow continuously. Show compassion and empathy to your friends who are not so lucky to be as well taken care of.
3. If you’re making parnasa, please consider helping others whenever you can. Perhaps you can invite families for Shabbos that otherwise would have a bare table. Present your benevolence in a way that the beneficiary would never feel he is a recipient. Use your own imagination to determine where you can be of assistance, for if your heart truly aches for them, you will figure out ways to alleviate their suffering.
4. Perhaps the worst part of poverty is the demoralization it causes to a person. Show people that you care. There is no need for the checkout line at the grocery store to be more silent than a library. Take the initiative to ask the person near you that may be two social tiers ‘beneath you’, how things are going. This sacrifice of so called self dignity may uplift him more than you ever know. Offer someone a ride, stop people in the street to inquire of the welfare of their children and families. This won’t bring cash flow to their barren accounts, but it can cause a surge of self worth in a person barren of any self esteem. The Baal Shem Tov’s drive was precisely to uplift a generation of broken Jews who’ve fallen through the cracks.
5. To the people of Crown Heights: Consider belonging to a satellite community, i.e. the Shuls throughout, which make up the greater Crown Heights community. It’s hard for community members to look after each other if they are unaware of each other’s existence. Make sure that you belong!
May we all merit to have an abundance of blessings of health, wealth and family.
usually I’m of the opinion that one should put name to word – but in this instance where the author declares himself excluded from the stragglers, it would be wiser, dignified and genuine to the article and following comments to have remained anonymous, – like a colored person calling a colored person black is not a social crime, etc etc etc
First of all many ‘children’ are over 18 and still living on the largesse of their parents. They can be mentshlich and not even make requests of their parents that they have clear advance knowledge that they are beyond their parent’s ability to finance. Even young children, if they are aware of their parents financial hardships should be taught not to repeatedly and incessantly badger their parents once they are told we cannot afford to grant you the luxury you request. There is historical precedent where due to economic hardship; decent parents denied their children cell phones, Nintendos, laptops, donuts,… Read more »
my dad had to borrow $200 to make a family simcha. when he lost his business, he drove a car service/cab to earn a living. there is no shame in earning an honost living. the main thing is “do something”.
Which said if your a child of parents struggling don’t ask. I disagree children, teens, and adults can and deserve to ask whatever the heck they want!!! If the parent can’t say no that’s their issue. For a child to feel responsible for their parents responsiblity that’s called parentifed which means too much responsibility for the child. It’s not healthy to put a child in that position of feeling guilty to ask for their basic needs!!!! A healthy parent will make sure their children’s needs are met and can say no if necessary! It only makes kids insecure to feel… Read more »
A very divisive article, that points to the realities of things, but causes anger.
Yes ur right no reason to feel guilty all the reason to take action and the rest is up to G-d and action is in our hands! What I mean that the rest is up to G-d is the results is what we have no control over and by feeling sorry for ourselves we tend to not take action and stay that way! And in addition to that we can rely on G-d that He is taking care of us – HE WIll provide what we need and want and that’s not our buisness to pretend to play G-d! IT’s… Read more »
A family of 6 require annual income north of 100k to live middle class in NY and a family of 12 require north of 200k, so even though proper attitude and mindset decrease your chances of poverty, it is certainly no guarantee to achieve a comfortable six figure income. There are plenty of poor that aren’t guilty for their situations.
I too was brought up in OT and went on to get my stupid college degree. At first I didn’t realize what the problem was; all the shtusim i was fed was simply ventilated out my ears and flushed down the toilet. Then I graguated with honors. the certificate could pass as a sheet of Kleenex. But after telling other bocherim to do what I did, I came to realize that it is a mistake: not everybody is fortunate enough to grow up with a sound foundation of yidishkeit as I did. I’ve been to farbrengens and went through most… Read more »
I’d like to share that our mind is very powerful. As told some people in the holocaust survived and others didn’t and eventhough everything is bashert I do believe that we live what we believe. If we believe we’re a victim/ poor/poverty stricken/ etc… any limiting label we will always be that way and our kids and our grandkids. I see that people that do feel like they are living in reality and cannot live have a dilemma! They can either try to feel like they are stepping on eggshells by worrying what other people will think and if G-dforbid… Read more »
The most imp thing you can teach ur child to help ensure his success as an adult be int in finface, shlichius or chinuch is to be motivated, energetic, dedicated and positive
as i read this on yud tes kislev and i know all the stories are true as my family lives like this too i think to myself chassidim one of the signs of moshiach are the world will be full of money but noone will have any. so i say to myself dont be upset hang in there as Rebbi Akiva laughed when he saw a fox runining out of the Kodesh Kodeshim. If all the negative prophercies and all the postive prophercies(seeing from one side of the world to the other etc). we will see Moshiach today yud tes… Read more »
This piece touches the root of life, inside and outside Chabad. In American society, success is measured in finances. I left CH because we lived solely on tzadakah, I left to get a college education to support my family, I left again the advice I was given. My adult children are shomer shabbos, unmarried and as the years go by, it looks dimmer and dimmer. Everything is from Hashem-we need to strive to do our best, to make a keli, but we also have to know to be appreciative with the little, now matter how little it seems in front… Read more »
You are right but you are also wrong. I went to college, I have a bachelor’s degree in accounting and an MBA in finance. At the moment I am writing this comment from my office computer where I am managing a multi-million dollar company which was started by a group of bochurim 7 years ago. None of which had any schooling other than limudei kodesh only cheder. I’ve worked with many lubavitcher clients in the past who also did not have any formal secular education and are successful beyond any of my coworkers who have spent years in college. College… Read more »
no better at all……
oh is it free to go to israel now if people are on the brink i have no clue of what could happen there……i personally would love to live there. but i cant even afford a ticket to go let alone a soda once i got offf the flight .
And stop whining…
One of the ways to help us cope with thses types of nisyonos is to realize that life is like a circle, and things don’t alwys stay the same, just as a cirlcle turns, so too will your mazal turn, G-d willing , for the good. ….and also to try to find ways to make oneslef happy, like go for a walk with your husband , spend more time with your kids, it doesn’t have to cost any money or too much money, try to remind oneself that, as the Rebbe writes in Hayom Yom, (Sivan 30) in matters of… Read more »
1. keep your relationships healthy. you never know when you’ll need your parents or siblings. Never burn your bridges. 2. Get rid of your big “hasoges.” instead of Bloomingdales and Macy’s there is Target. and Kmart. And yes their furniture is perfectly acceptable for any home. 3. Spend wisely; kill the shopping leak. But don’t be too cheap – the 10c you save by making that trip to black friday will cost you a tank of gas. 4. if your kid wants a lot of money and you have to decide between loosing the kid and loosing your house: Give… Read more »
why do u assume that shluchim don’t pay tuition??? AND GET THEIR SHABBOS FOOD PAID FOR?? We not only pay tuition but we pay day camp and out of town seminaries plus many of us help Baalei Teshuvah and other community member with their tuition and their shabbos costs when they are starting out.
Sure, poverty is an issue old as mankind, has no solutions, lots of suggestions, desperately overlooked by both those who are well off and also those who aren’t. Aghh, nothing new here. But we don’t realize how poverty is the underlying truth behind the entire shiduch blogging and viritually every family fight that existed. Poverty molds the newly wed’s relationship with their in-laws. With each other. POVERTY is EVERYTHING The economy has absolutely nothing to do with anybody living a yiddishe lifestyle. we have insane tuition to pay and luxary rated houseing expenses. Job availability also has nothing relevent for… Read more »
In the book ‘The Jew And His Home’ by Rabbi Kitov, there is a great chapter titled ‘On sufficing with little’. It will give you chizuk.
Uggs A new coat when last years fits fine cellphones wii etc whats the point? target sells great kids boots last years coat will keep them just as warm cellphones are bad for teenagers on many levels and doing some real excercise or playing real games is just as good as a wii And it is actually possible to be a well adjusted family with this attitude. Work on family priorities and values. Not to take away from the nisayon of poverty. It is real and it is bitter, but todays emphasis on all kinds of unessecary gashmius doesn’t help… Read more »
i know many classmates who are shluchim, who always taking vacations, redoing kitchens and making lavershing personal simchas and get the 50% discount for shluchim on education. PLus they put down classmates who don’t have the latest hanna monta lunch box. Think about the anash that pay for shluchim out there!!!
We all are poor with 5 kids to feed and tuition!
I too am a hard working Rebbe. I can tell you that although $ helps,it really is the thought that counts. Never mind the $25.Just send a heartfelt note thanking the Rebbe and wishing him A Freilichin Chanukah. Whats attached isnt as important.It can be $10 or $5 or even a home baked pastry.
number 22 …..couldnt agree more!
Whats greater then the article itself is that u cared to write it! Keep it up
About 80 years ago in Europe, an older, frum couple died of starvation r”l because they were too embarrassed and proud to ask the community for help. Obviously that’s an extreme case, but I’m making a point. If people need help, they should work hard on themselves to overcome their pride and ask for it. If you see your neighbor in dire need and they won’t ask anyone for help, call Benji Stock of CSSY and tip him off to it.( If you can, send CSSY money — they need huge amounts of it, right now especially, in order to… Read more »
Boruch Sholom- you said what need to be said and woke up lot of Anash. Yasher Koach!!
Shluchim DO pay tuitiion and have no choice but to send the kids away. We managed to keep afloat week by week untill the schools came after us each wanting 5-10 thousand dollars and that was the beginning of the end for us. Our day to day living expenses are eaten up by tuition!
to #49
We need to teach our kids from day 1 not to look at others and to appreciate what they have. Give your kids tons of love and TIME and respect and positive compliments and they will cherish you instead of ugs.
As the son of a Shliach, I was always under the impression that my parents were making a living. We had nice food for Shabbos – of course for the guests. My father had a descent car (usually 4-5 years old) not a beat up station wagon from the early 90s and everything seemed like we were living a standard middle class life. I went to Yeshiva, got older and heard about some difficulties. When I came home this time, I was told not to pick up the phones. The creditors were calling off the hook. My siblings were in… Read more »
Your response to #47 is amazing and thought provocing. Thank you.
This was a thoughtful and real article.im sure the author has helped others and continues to. Kol hakavod and may we take this seriously.
and 21.
this is a waste of time. doesnt capture what it should
the shidduch crisis stuff is also a waste of time, for other reasons – too bad its not only a waste of time but worse…
stop bashing him for his tone of voice, what he said was right.
btw i wrote number 10
to 42, you should publish the stories of how Hashem helped at zero hour.
#48, I am with you. I can’t stand that “throw money around” attitude as though you have a way to get the money but you are just to cowardly to scam someone. Send what you feel is fair for Chanukah gelt and too bad what the wealthy caller thinks. Yes the rebbe works hard but if you don’t have it, don’t give it. Sometimes you have to ignore insensitive people and do what is right for you. You don’t need her approval.
My dear child, I cried when I read your comment. I am sad for you and feel your pain. You are NOT a “nebech” or a “nerd” because you don’t have a cell phone. You sound smart and mature – much more than those classmates! Maybe one day you will realize that Hashem has given you a different form of “wealth” – it might be called health, nachas, shidduch or by some other name. Wealth is not always measured by $ in bank account. Maybe you will one day realize that some of us are “poor” in $, but really… Read more »
very well said !!
Very well said about the rucnius side of the matter., the miracles etc. True a lot is perspective but thats not all-bottom line is bottom line when going through this defficult nisayon, Dvening, Emunah all imp but the yeshua sometimes soesnt magically appear as regularly as the collection calls and the cut off notices.
Wishing you contiued good Mazel and Brachah bgasmiush uvruchnius
However when one is bh financially stable its hard to understand the struggle even if your parents have been there.
Imagine this , My daughter wants uggs because thats what her friends are flaunting now, these young children are getting manicures , asking my girls what restaurant we ate in and why dong we have a WII. the simple reason, these are not neccesary things and therefore i cannot afford to buy them now. parents whose children have these things, I am very happy for you that you thank g-d are making it but how about also teaching your chuildren to be sensitive to others . It really hurts mw when i have to tell my kids so many times… Read more »
How about this, A well to do parent from Oholei Torah PTA called and asked me tp send in 25 dollars with my son for chanuka gelt. I mentioned that it is abit much for me at the moment and would send in a bit less as i have a couple of children and 25 each is a lot. Her response, ” Thsats what everyone else is giving and the rebbi works hard.” I am in no way denying that , but i just cant afford it.!!!!!!!!!
My parents ARE poor but I still need a cell phone like all the rest of the kids in my class. Why should I be the only nerd who can’t text anyone? Other kids give me a nebech face when I ask to borrow their cell phones to make a call. A cell phone is more important to me than food for lunch. I can survive without lunch and would gladly go hungry if it got me a cell phone.
Just because my parents are poor, do I need to be the nebech????
author and 36, you hit the nail RIGHT on the head. i choked up reading this article b/c i am one of these people that this article is about. you negative ppl, all i can say is i truly hope you never feel our pain. to #40 i read your comment and laugh. 90G and YOU feel like a beggar??????????? how many leased cars do you have??????? how many bungalows do you own???????? how many times in the past 5 yrs have you gone on vacation??????? when was the last time you thought about your neighbor or the guy sitting… Read more »
it has nothing to do with jealousy, it is about setting a standard of Simcha that the REGULAR MAN can afford.
Where do you get the idea that shluchim don’t pay tuition. Aren’t their children entitled to an education too ? For some there is on line school, at thousands of dollars per child, a good computer with all attachments for each, a private turor for secular subjects, such as reading, writing and math, and until the children also learn to read and write English a parent has to sit with them throughout the online classes. For those that don’t get onto the online school, it’s a full time job for the parent. And no second incomes from a wife’s work… Read more »
they put article which has nothing to do with the shidduch crises….!!! LOL!!!!
B”H Personally growing up in a home where each month’s rent was a miracle, I can tell you how it really is… As a child my parents gave me all they could, and when they couldn’t I understood, I had to. I didn’t go to a top seminary- got accepted but couldn’t afford it and landed in good old Beth Rivkah Seminary. To top it off, I didn’t go to any type of college/university to get a degree etc, because my Mashpia was against it. And guess what? Baruch Hashem shidduchim was a breeze, and I’m married to a great… Read more »
You are a great writer. Which Yeshiva taught you the skill of writing. Was it the Chader in Chicago?
I am a daily reader of COL. I recommend more articles of this nature. Most of your other articles are news items for Shluchim or their friends and relatives. This article speaks to me, the average Bal Habayit who struggles to keep up. My family of four children with tuition, living costs and all needs a minimum of $120,000 gross a year. At a $90,000 a year salary, I feel like a beggar. I cannot imagine large families with 50-60 thousand dollar fross income.
how about us with only one pearent and no money
shidduchim are not easy for us
very well put
My last four shiddach dates all wanted to know how much money I have, earn, or come from. Not a single one cared about who I am as a wonderful person that can make a terrific home with my excellent cooking and nuturing skills. Sad!
This was a great article. THANK YOU. I am someone who would have read this article last year and thought that this would never be me iy”h. I have an excellent profession and things have been very good for me financially. That was last year. My husband ‘s business folded. Out of left field, I lost my job. We were not show off people. We lived a very simple life. I went out of my way to underdo everything I had. (The LV bag couldnt be seen as LV because it had no design – so for the synical commentators,… Read more »
Yes there r others like u who wear a clever mask but whos hearts pound with fear on how to eat tomorrow, how to pay last months rent, how to answer the shabbos guest calls, how to pay the tuition u put off but gave ur word on, How to cover the bank” How to answer ur children when u hear a hopeful or desperate voice say “.did u?….” , “my hat”, “”my friends…” And the even more sensitive unprintable needs. Yes we are employed but at a bare min salary. Yes weve made the efforts to improve parnassah, but… Read more »
i don’t understand this! I am ffb who’s parents aren’t shluchim and i am a father of a few children k”h. Shluchim don’t have to pay tuition, they get shabbos meals paid for. Always hands out for this and that! Some shluchim live much better then anash.
And why is everything shluchim????
4000 shluchim and over 200,000 anash??? who’s representing us?
disagree with #3. ppl should learn to be happy for the person……..tame your jeoulsy or how it affects u.
Not to minimize the role Hashem plays, but there are jobs out there if you look hard and are willing to get some basic training, which is also available either free or at low cost.
Resources such the the Community Council have advice and training programs available, asa well as grants for education- use them!
It’s been like that for years! even it the shtetl, the daughters of rich people got married to the best and the poor men had so many daughters to marry and no money so nobody wanted them…
ans yes, it is all from hashem, do your part but even if you got an education if hashem wants you not to succeed you won’t succeed so bitachon is the foundation of our belief,ani maamin…
being poor sucks, however you cut it.
they say the test of being rich is harder than being poor…..read the first sentence again.
pray alot to G-d He really does listen and in the mean time you have the comfort that you are in it with Him.
Imi Onoichi Betzoroh – Trust only in Him it WILL help pull you through those very difficult moments.
I live well below the poverty line. Due to various circumstances, we currently have almost no income, we are working on education and looking for jobs etc. The schools are a big issue for us. we don’t have money for necessities and the schools call for money all the time. When we were able to pay, we did, but now we can’t. If not for food stamps, we would literally starve. When we have asked for help from people, we have at times gotten and other time not. We are not obviously ‘poor” to the world as we got good… Read more »
seems like a pointless article, was probably revised a hundred times so it lost its touch.
im sure you meant well
So why isnt your name signed?
I don’t understand why anyone would knock this person. He is bringing out into the open this problem and making myself as well as many others feel connected and “unity”
ones enough
agree with #3
Whoa!! Number 1!! What ANGER!!! What did this guy write already to warrant such a major response??????? T.G. you were the only one to feel this way and all the others including myself, totally commend him for his article!! Very well written!!
You’re sounding rather dangerous/ explosive????? Hatzlocha
I really do think the authors intentions were for the good, but unfortunately today it goes much deeper than this…It is not just children expecting things from their parents but what SOCIETY expects in general. You mention seminary – unfortunatelly today if a girl doesnt go to a top seminary (minimum $12,000 – 18,000 a year!!!) than she doesnt have the best name when she is looking for a shidduch etc… If a bochur is an incredible brilliant learner but his parents cant pay for a top yeshiva ($15,000 minimum) than he also doesnt have the best ‘name’. Unfortunately social… Read more »
what does this have to do with the shidduch crisis
so i guess your one of those “nameless cowards”
#1 listen to comments 13, 14 and 15.
to #7 are you ok?
besides for being a disturbed person. you are also a hypocrite you ”writer” (after wiping the floors with him) for writing his name in the article and not being as you put it a COWARD and look whos talking i didnt see a name by your comment
summary
your a mean hypocrite
it is so nice to read this, and so true. this advice should affect not only CH but every community . This problem is everywhere and it is felt in the same way by struggling families. It is all about chesed. For the fortunate ones who BH don’t have this worry,
” Vehahavta lereacha kamocha”
and to # 1
it is time to deal with your anger
…and this says it well, it is a tough situation for anyone to be in and shlichus – living hand to mouth, moving every year, never knowing where the next dollar is coming from – only makes it harder. Thanks, author of this piece. Makin’ me feel I’m not alone.
Yikes, it sounds like you have some anger issues or something! No need to get nasty.
When someone does something good , dont criticise.
I think that only positive can come from this letter.
BTW where is your name let Rabbi wold speak to you in persone if you really care.
dear mister number 1, you clearly are one of those people that this article was speaking about. you must be under the line of poverty and too proud of yourself to do anything about it. it was precisely to people like you that this article was written. the only fathomable reason why someone could possibly react negatively to such a wonderful article is because they feel that their territory has been tramped on. it makes perfect sense to bring to peoples attention that poverty is common nowadays and one shouldnt be apprehensive about getting the help he can. also encouraging… Read more »
for writing this. You are clearly trying to say:
Hey guys, there are more destitute people around now, many of whom may not have been destitute just a while ago.
Be alert to their sensitivities. Look to help by being a mentch, by doing what Jews used to do naturally but have recently forgotten.
We need more such reminders, perhaps one a day!
beautifuly written!
its amazing how touching this is. I wouldnt have expected myself to be so affected, but i guess after growing up in “poverty” and not being necessarily well to do now thats what happens. its an amazing burden which i may never have actually succeeded in rising above, internally. to wake up with debts and bills is practically unbearable, regardless of all the suggestions and stategies. but no one would ever know. i’ve been lucky enough that none would notice this burden. what i want to point out is that crown heights can, in addition to actively helping ease this… Read more »
well said
well written.i also try to participate[even though being a melamed u barely make a parnosoh] when i get paid,by standing in line and u see people reaching for the wallet and the $ in ur wallet doesnt match the bill,by kindly paying it off.
Yuh yuh – make sure the education system is set up so that no one ever learns anything about finance, but convince then that if they learn a lot of Toyreh they know better then anyone in the world.
When it comes to finance it’s simple: education equals better job, more money etc etc enough with the rely on hashem syndrome, bec hashm wants you to all educate yourself in finance,
BRAVO FOR PUTTING THIS INTO WORDS!! GO CHICAGO!
i totally understand and hope people will be more understanding
Wow. Very, very, very well said. Thank you for a well written article.
if B”H you are making a good Parnoso, please don’t show it off by Simchos and other venues. of course you should make a nice Simcha, but please don’t make it stick out.
it only sets the level higher and higher, forcing those that are barely making ends meat, to keep up, when they cant afford too.
of cours its you money and you can spend it how you want, but please consider the effect it has on someone else’s Simcha.
may Hashem bless you and all of us with Parnoso Beshefa
and kind
BH I am having a very difficult time understanding the purpose of this Op-Ed. It makes no sense at all. I don’t understand who the target audience is. I don’t understand what the author is getting at. I don’t understand who the author thinks he is. Someone in the shchuna that’s rachmana litzlan in poverty does not need YOU to tell them what to do. If they are down, TRUST me, they don’t want to be and they don’t need YOU to tell them that they should practice uplifting their spirits. Someone who has money and is able to give… Read more »