By Rabbi Lazer Avtzon for COLlive
Having grown up in Detroit, I flew there this week with my sister Dina Borenstein to comfort the family of veteran educator, Rabbi Shmuel Kaufman OBM, the beloved teacher in Yeshiva Beth Yehudah in Detroit.
Sitting there, I was given additional details to the incredible Yechidus he had with the Rebbe resulting in the bracha to him and his wife to have children. I also heard another amazing story that is equally mind-blowing.
This story was originally printed in the Kfar Chabad magazine a while back, but some details were not verified.
Reb Shmuel came to Detroit as a single bochur to teach at Yeshiva Bais Yehudah, a Jewish day school consisting of two campuses at Southfield and Oak Park, Michigan. It serves boys and girls from pre-kindergarten to grade 12.
Thursday nights and Shabbosim, Reb Shmuel would spend at the home of my parents Rabbi Meir and Cheyena Avtzon. He remained close after he got married to his wife Risha and their return to Detroit.
After several years of being married and not being blessed with children, my father suggested that they travel together to New York and see the Rebbe for a bracha.
Initially, he refused, but after visiting all the other Gedolim of the time and still no yeshua, Reb Shmuel finally relented and came with my father to 770 Eastern Parkway.
After detailing his situation and asking the Rebbe for a bracha, the Rebbe turned to him and asked whether he ever unintentionally hurt a girl’s feelings to the point she might have a ‘kpaida’ (grudge) against him.
Reb Shmuel answered, “No, to the best of my recollection.”
The Rebbe then asked again, “Is it possible you dated a girl and led her to believe you were interested in her and then broke up without asking Mechila (forgiveness)?”
Again, he said he does not recall.
My father, who was present at the Yechidus, intervened at that point. “If the Rebbe is asking you twice, you should think hard and remember, because there has to be something!”
After further thought, Reb Shmuel remembered being on a date and loaning the girl a sweater to warm her from the cold. He later decided it was not meant to be and merely informed the Shadchan that it was over.
The Rebbe replied, “You must ask Mechila with a full heart.”
“How do I even find her?”
The Rebbe replied, “If you really try, you will see how easy it is.”
The Rebbe then blessed him and said, “once you ask Mechila and she truly forgives you, you will be blessed with children.”
“And what if she doesn’t want to forgive me”? he asked.
The Rebbe replied, tell her that if she forgives you with a full heart, she will soon find her bashert (her own match).
The Yechidus then turned to another subject with the Rebbe asking him what he does and learning that he is a teacher.
The Rebbe asked, “Do you tell stories of Tzadikim?” and he replied that he does not because he considers it Bitul Torah.
The Rebbe answered, “telling stories of Tzadikim is in itself Torah! Tell stories!”
* * *
After leaving Yechidus, he searched and searched and ultimately found the phone number of a brother of the girl. He called and spoke to the brother and asked if there was any way for him to get in touch with his sister.
“Why would you want to speak to her now after all these years and after breaking her heart?” he answered.
Unbeknownst to Reb Shmuel, the girl had felt strongly that by his loaning of the sweater during the date that he really liked her. She was so grief-stricken from being left cold-turkey that she bore a tremendous resentment towards him.
Her brother then said, “She’s actually here visiting me now but she doesn’t want to talk to you!”
Reb Shmuel begged and said, “I just came from Yechidus with the Lubavitcher Rebbe and was told that the reason my wife and I were still not blessed with children is because I hurt your sister and must ask Mechila. Trust me, I had no idea and am terribly sorry.”
A meeting was arranged, the girl initially did not agree to forgive him. When he told her that the Rebbe said that if she forgives him it will open the doors of blessing for her as well, she agreed and said I forgive you with a full heart.
Some 3 months later, my mother called Reb Shmuel at 6:00 AM and wakes him to share the great news that the girl he had dated was now engaged to be married.
One month later, his wife became pregnant with their eldest son Yona. Over the years, they were blessed with another 6 children.
But even more amazing than this story is the fact that Rabbi Kaufman is remembered as a devoted and beloved teacher and the one who inspired thousands, perhaps tens of thousands of students to live lives of Yiras Shamayim.
What was his secret ingredient? Stories.
Throughout his career in chinuch, Reb Shmuel told stories like you never heard. When he told a story, you felt you were there witnessing and a part of it. He brought to life the characters, the setting and the pure faith they exuded.
The Rebbe told him to tell stories and assured him that not only is it not Bitul Torah, but that it’s Torah itself. From that day onward, he never ceased to tell stories.
The majority of his students were not from Chabad families, but their Torah observant lives were indirectly inspired by the Rebbe.
But what do you do when you ask forgivenes,s and the boy/girl says they forgive you but you can tell from the tone that they still hold resentment?
#29 The dating term was probably inYiddish, and it’s just a term. I was engaged and we broke it off, had a shtar Mechila, and we both got married, but both lost children. A rov suggested to us separately that our Mechila may not have been genuine and I was pregnant at the time. Over Rosh Hashannah I felt the urge to contact this person and via a mediator, the shtar was rewritten by the same rov and B”H, all has been uneventful. Feelings, grudges, and resentments do have an impact. I have heard directly, from others, similar experiences. One… Read more »
But what do you do when you ask forgivenes,s and the boy/girl says they forgive you but you can tell from the tone that they still hold resentment?
Great story ,
34 and 35 – YASHER KOACH !!
You are an inspiration! May you be bentched with mazal and bracha and you should find your bashert very soon, in a clear way!
Thank you so much for posting this! I actually can’t believe I am seeing this right now. I recently had a very strong feeling that if I don’t forgive a person I dated, who broke my heart in the worst possible way, I will not find my bashert. I never had such a thought or intuitive feeling until last Sunday. I contacted this person via text and email, the only way to communicate with them. I explained, in detail, my anger and pain, and that I totally forgive them. Every time their name and resentment comes to mind, I immediately… Read more »
thank you COL
for publishing this
how wonderful! thank you!
looking objectively I can see that it is easily forgivable coz maybe he was pushed into doing that against his will (someone tried to do push me like that) or maybe he was not taught derech eretz maybe he thought that was normal – not saying its ok, its terrible, but just helping you forgive. As for your part, it must have been so painful but the more you suffered the more gracious and commendable is your forgiveness and the blessings you will bring upon yourself – passing the test with flying colors so to speak.
If only only boys would read this, and be made more of aware of how easily a girl is hurt.
Welcome to Pesach Sheni,
Its never too late 🙂
Chas vesholom! The rebbe would never use that goyishe term!!!!
Oy vey, I am in trouble.
I’m now writing a few emails…
My father writes in one of his maamarim: Fatness of the body can result from the spiritual pleasure and delight derived from G‑dliness. They say of R. Nachum of Chernobil that he became corpulent from answering amein y’hei sh’mei raba.
That is very hurtful, and your reaction is so understandable! However if you try to find it in your heart to forgive him, as we see in this article, you yourself will be Bentched. May you find your bashert soon.
I am proud to call the Kaufmans my friends. Rabbi Kaufman was such a special neshama, he will surely be missed. He was a great story teller, but when I visited the shivah house all I heard were great stories about all the kiruv and mitzvahs he did. May he be a melitz yosar for kal Yisroel
The day Rabbi Kaufman was nifter,, the haYom Yom was about a fiery Amen Yehai Shmay Rabah. This is what Rabbi Kaufman a.h. was also known for.
I had done all the back and forth with a guy, we had both agreed to go out, we were in the process of choosing a mutually good time for our first date (all though a 3rd party) and then I get simply a “sorry, he’s dating someone else instead.” I do not forgive him.
Among his stories was that he would sneak into the Frierdige Rebbe on Fridays to wish him a good Shabbos
Thank you R’ Leizer for this story. The way I heard the story from my Uncle Shmuelly, he couldn’t remember ever baleidiken a girl. The rebbe asked him if he had a sister. The rebbe told him his sister would know. Uncle Shmuelly asked his sister Ruthy, and she told him a girl thought he was serious about her because he had once sent her flowers. Uncle Shmuelly told me he was attracted to the Lubavitcher chassidim in Detroit because they were the only ones doing anything to be mekarev lost Yidden at the time. Uncle Shmuelly used stories as… Read more »
Beautiful stories of the Rebbe
Ty for sharing!
toda raba.
I heard of another story where forgiveness regarding a shidduch was needed in order to get married.
I am also from Oak Park Michigan and had the zechus to learn from Rabbi Kaufman. He was indeed a very special person and he will be very missed by all of the fortunate people who had the opportunity to know him and to become close to him and his family.
Rabbi Kaufman was a special teacher his loud voice you can hear all the way down the hall. When he made a bracha which was his big thing in school making all the kids make brachas. When I was in school other kids used to make fun of chabad and rabbi Kaufman always had Lubavitchers back he was great man teacher and Jew obm.
So much to learn from this story. It made me cry
Beautiful! My boys attend YBY in Detroit and Rabbi Kaufman was an amazing storyteller. It was a treat to go hear him and at was such powerful learning from the story. I love hearing his connection to our Rebbe
Thank you for sharing. My son had similar story. Coming home from my grandsons bris I received a call from the mother of a girl my son (father of the baby)dated. She was still not married and after a few answers from the igros to ask mechila, she is calling to ask mechila. They only went on maybe 2-3 dates…so we were surprised…and my son was already married…About a month later we were happy to hear that she was engaged!
Wow uncredible story
Thank you for sharing this, that was an amazing Rebbe story, what a lesson to learn.
Who can we turn to who like the Rebbe OBM can see into our Neshamas and tell us exactly what we need to do to change our lives for the better when things are not working out?
I know some people might say to open up published works of the Rebbe and ask a question and open to a random page.
But that cannot be the same as having a yechidus, since in later years not everyone was able to have a yechidus and as far as I know, this procedure was not suggested until after the Rebbe’s petira.
I was in his 7th geade gemara class, we learned Hamafkid, and I loved his storytelling. He is like a legend.
Growing up in Detroit and becoming frum t here, I spent many wonderful Shabbosim in the Goldstein house, and together with my Bais Yaakov friends we would often visit the Kaufman house! At that time, the house was full of children and Rabbi Kaufman was full of stories for us!!
amazing story, keep it flowing this is the kind of things i believe should be posted here!!!
thank you!!!
yasher koach to r,lazer avtzon for sharing a truly amazing story.
Thank you for such an inspiring story.
Amazing story!!!! The sensitivity of the rebbe is justWow!
i do find it interesting that nowadays the accepted thing is that a male/female can ‘break-up’ after 6-7 pegishim,without having to tell the other oerson involved,all hush hush
Thank you so much for sharing.,
So many valuable lessons.
To me it’s so sad that an unintentional hurt could cause one not to be blessed. Maybe we should all forgive especially the unintentional hurts, it will be good for us and for them.
I was his Talmid in the 7th grade!!! BDE.