A while ago a shadchanis whom I never met before, called my parents with a suggestion. We did some research and it looked like a possible match.
After going out with him, it seemed clear to me that the match wasn’t for me.
I let the shadchanis know about my decision and thanked her for her efforts. I said that although the bochur seemed to be nice, I can see that our personalities just “didn’t go” too well.
The Shadchan began to get all defensive and began threatening me :
“You don’t even know what a hard catch this bochur is!” she started scolding me. “How can you say no?! Do you know how many girls he refused to go out with?”
I tried to politely explain that she from all people should know that a shidduch is more than popularity or a good resume. Everyone is good, but the million dollar question is good for who…
While I’m sure he was a great bochur, I did not feel it to be a fit for me specifically. Again, I thanked her for the efforts, expecting the conversation to end there. I made it clear that this was nothing to do with the quality of the bochur, rather he was just not what I was looking for.
But she did not stop there.
She began to threaten me that if I don’t take the bochur who I felt was lacking the Chassidishe sensitivity I was looking for, then I’m doomed for someone Chassidishe without middos.
“At least he has good middos and that’s all that matters” she stated and then began citing proof from her Lubavitch relatives were happily married to non Lubavitchers “because really the main thing is middos.”
I was shocked at her words. Someone whom I never met in my life suddenly thinks they know who I must marry and who my future prospective matches are. Who says I can’t have someone Chassidishe enough for me that has middos tovos?
I’m sure from her perspective she thought she meant well, yet I was most appalled by her choice of words.
Just as a doctor’s job is to heal, so is it a Shadchan’s job to find a proper match – not fill the role of parents, teacher, or mashpia. The shadchan’s role is certainly never to wish ill on another Yid.
Please, shadchanim, we all truly appreciate what you do. For the sake of your work, please be careful what you say and understand your job and place. Thank you again for your efforts.