By anonymous
A while ago a shadchanis whom I never met before, called my parents with a suggestion. We did some research and it looked like a possible match.
After going out with him, it seemed clear to me that the match wasn’t for me.
I let the shadchanis know about my decision and thanked her for her efforts. I said that although the bochur seemed to be nice, I can see that our personalities just “didn’t go” too well.
The Shadchan began to get all defensive and began threatening me :
“You don’t even know what a hard catch this bochur is!” she started scolding me. “How can you say no?! Do you know how many girls he refused to go out with?”
I tried to politely explain that she from all people should know that a shidduch is more than popularity or a good resume. Everyone is good, but the million dollar question is good for who…
While I’m sure he was a great bochur, I did not feel it to be a fit for me specifically. Again, I thanked her for the efforts, expecting the conversation to end there. I made it clear that this was nothing to do with the quality of the bochur, rather he was just not what I was looking for.
But she did not stop there.
She began to threaten me that if I don’t take the bochur who I felt was lacking the Chassidishe sensitivity I was looking for, then I’m doomed for someone Chassidishe without middos.
“At least he has good middos and that’s all that matters” she stated and then began citing proof from her Lubavitch relatives were happily married to non Lubavitchers “because really the main thing is middos.”
I was shocked at her words. Someone whom I never met in my life suddenly thinks they know who I must marry and who my future prospective matches are. Who says I can’t have someone Chassidishe enough for me that has middos tovos?
I’m sure from her perspective she thought she meant well, yet I was most appalled by her choice of words.
Just as a doctor’s job is to heal, so is it a Shadchan’s job to find a proper match – not fill the role of parents, teacher, or mashpia. The shadchan’s role is certainly never to wish ill on another Yid.
Please, shadchanim, we all truly appreciate what you do. For the sake of your work, please be careful what you say and understand your job and place. Thank you again for your efforts.
The shadcan has feelings too! There are less and less people involved with shadchanis and it serves the community right for the constant bashing AND lack of appreciation, ! Enough is enough! I left this and never looked back
thank you for being the voice of reason.The young lady is not out to “bash Shadchanim”,simply to request sensitivity,that personal choices be respected and that,if the answer is “no”, everyone should be treated with Derech Eretz. Ahavas Yisrael in practice. Besoros Tovos.
What else is new more shachan bashing. I’m so happy I gave this up, very little appreciation for my efforts . How many people do you think offered me a cent or even a small gift after I sent them out a few times? Nope! Nothing but complaints now and again a “thank-you” . Going back to grad school, and a great new income and leaving this “mitzvah” behind was the BEST decision in my life! Because of these negative comments, It validates my decision. Now its time for ME! People I retired from this “job” find your OWN shidduch… Read more »
I went out the guy said no for no real reasons and a while later we went out again and are married many years. There are lots of ppl that said no way. Went out again and are happy. All the she wanted what for you to give a real try. And had real reasons. Yes you could say well I know it won’t work. But what about all the other ppl that say the same. The shaddchan see it all the time. So it’s very fustrating to see potential and someone who is being stubborn. We are too stuck… Read more »
There are Shadchanim and there are Shadchanim. There are girls and there are girls. There are boys and there are boys. There are all kinds in all categories. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but yes, When the right one comes along, the girl and boy feel it. While there are picky girls and boys, not all of them are. But as Manis Friedman pointed out, if either side is uncomfortable about the Shidduch, s/he does not need a “valid” reason. S/he is uncomfortable , or it doesn’t feel right…….. that’s enough of a reason.
From my experience the shadd,went to the same sites we did.They aren’t spending hrs and hrs- let’s not be ridiculous.For many there is no choice- they must use a shadd.so they follow the “system way”.Some people here make it sound like these people are some sort of martyrs or angels and they are just people doing a JOB.As the person said a real estate agent.Some and I mean only some are rude before they even deign to take you on as a client.They pick n choose,They ghost you out when they get better offers.If there was another path I would… Read more »
You should listen to the Shadchanis. It’s very true what she says. The most important thing is good Middos.
No one said this, so let me say it:
The Shadchanis was rude to you.
Oh, dear. You need a ‘safe space’.
People are rude every day. Stick with the ones who aren’t and get over those who are.
It’s so simple. No one said this, so I did.
Approximately 30 year ago, I heard from a ELTERER CHOSSID, That the word “Shadchen” is A ROSHEI TEIVOIS: Sheker Doiveir Kessef Noitel. But please Don’t take it Literally… as I heard once from another chossid: that those people which are seeking for the Pure Emes – Can find it ONLY on the OILOM HOEMES…
Sometimes when doing a jigsaw, one finds a piece one feels surely must fit into another, although when you try to fit the ttwo pieces together, they just don’t click into place. You can try and make it fit, but it doesn’t – nearly, but not quite. When the correct fitting piece is eventually found, both pieces fit perfectly together. The bigger the jigsaw, like there are thousands of pieces, the more patience one has to have. But they all fit eventually – takes time, maybe, maybe but you can’t fix a ‘nearly’ right piece with another ‘nearly right’ piece.… Read more »
your note is the absolute best
right on the money!!!!
thank you for sharing i wish more would think that way
Just know the person who made my shidduch lived across the street from me and she would sit on her porch and watch me come and go. I never said a word to her. But she had a relative in mind for me. Hashem can send your shidduch from the most unlikely place. It doesn’t make sense begashmius but Hashem runs the world! That was 17 years ago and I have no regrets. Also, a note to the author, I came home from the first date and said he’s not for me. Nothing about him bothered me but I didn’t… Read more »
I just used Devory Fox and she was an amazing personal, helped until we got it perfectly.. Private and professional!!!
-A
The author is making a simple point – we should be careful with how we talk to each other. Period.
still would like to hear the shadchans side of the story. also i had experienced that with one of my kids. yes its a thankless job but if you call yourself a shadchan this is the territory. and as for brokers they do what they do knowing if they score a hit it could be huge. so if you want to be a broker you know what you are getting into and will take the garbage for the buck at the end of the rainbow . simple
there should be a course taught which teaches the boundaries and sensitivities of doing proper shadchonis.
and there are more complaints. A woman was told once by a shadchanis that because she didnt want to go out again, she would not recommend her any more for a shidduch. Thats just pulling her power, which is not ok and not proper midos. and now, we want guidelines for shadchanim who take money just to be their shadchan. There seem to be no guidelines at all for this.
I don’t have time to read all narishkaiten.. since I’m a shadchen. I will say only some of the happiest couples that I made shiduchim with, I had to talk them in to all the way, from the 1st date or beshow, to the 2nd one and until the mazaltov, I had many hardship with all sides, a good shadchen needs smarts to know what and when and to whom to say what. and the main thing is siathe dishmaye. all of you need to give it a chance and try 2-3 times atleast before saying no and pray to… Read more »
I am the parent of what I believe is an outstanding kallah in the making. I so understand the young lady who wrote this article I also understand I believe the true intent of the shadchan. It is such a sensitive subject so few are willing to speak honestly about it . As a parent of a young lady that does not come from Crown Heights so to speak the shidduch process is daunting especially when Parents of the child or Shadchun are not as understanding or even honest and open IY”h it should go easy for everyone
I think most (not saying all) professional shadchanim are only in it for the money. They regard their high calibre clients as objects from which they can reap considerable profits should they make a ‘sale’.
The number one mitzva is ahava’s yisroel. Why are people just bashing shadchanim in the comments? Why are people blaming the single girl? She was just sharing an experience that she got hurt in. Just for the sake that other people dealing with singles can be more sensitive about! It is really hard to be spoken to in a negative way… all people need to be spoken to with human decency. How many hours the shadchan or into the work is no excuse! If the shadchan choose to be a shadchan she also choose to be patient bc im sure… Read more »
I wonder if it’s the same Shadchanit? She pressured me to go out with a guy who was extremely socially awkward and couldn’t be more opposite of what I was looking for. I did my best to get through the date even though it was uncomfortable, I tried to make it as comfortable as I possibly could. After the date I politely declined to go out again. This Shadchanit was livid, “ripped into me”. In harsh words she told me that her belief is that if you already go out it’s hashgacha pratis, you have to give it a shot,… Read more »
It’s not nice that someone was rude (and worse) to you Mrs.Author and yes it is in on a sensitive subject BUT why post publicly about it? If it’s a regular occurrence I’d understand but from the article it seems to be a once off .Everyone has their days, sorry that happened to you but I honestly don’t understand your need to publish this (I respectfully don’t see the point)
Continiue bashing shadchanim and then run crying to them when you need their help….. 😢😢
The “system” today is a really tough one. Not like years ago. We need more patience from both ends – shadchan and single…..and parents of the singles! Everyone should have mazel tovs very soon!
Ever heard of real estate brokers? They don’t get 1 cent for any of their work, running around showing houses etc and after hours of work the prospective home buyer says, no. The house just doesn’t feel right. Not 1 cent. Same with injury attorneys. Not one cent unless they win the case. Shadchan in question does not know the girl. The boy must have a major issue and whoever makes the shidduch was promised big $$$. But you don’t get paid for your time. Not one cent. So you look for a sucker, pressure her to take the bait,… Read more »
are you delusional? Its a known issue with shadchanim that they are pushy many times for the wrong interests and mainly the cash factor. Who is the shadchan to tell a person who is good for them and who is not when it means that person will have to live with them for the rest of their life. Shame on those who think as you
Your “advice” will Chas V’Sholom result in more “Gets”!
Keep on bashing the shadchanim and then come crying to them when you need their help! Why should they help you? Do you appreciate them or even say thank you, let alone give them a tip for their hard work. They are overworked and underpaid! No wonder nobody wants the job! And the few good people out there that are helping…keep on bashing them. It’s gonna get you very far! You all should be ashamed of yourselves!
Shadchanim are the most underpaid and unappreciated job. Stop complaining about shadchonim and making them a negative stereo type or we won’t have shadchonim left in the market. She didn’t owe you anything and took the time to help you. She probably spend a minimum of 6 hours just setting you up to date for which she didn’t get paid because it didn’t work. Don’t complain until you are a shadchan your self
It is just ridiculous that anyone should try and push a union that one party does not feel good about.That some so called professional puts a girl on a guilt trip is uncalled for.Shaddchanim are doing a job and get paid so let us stop talking as if this is not the issue too.It’s like a saleslady trying hard for her commission.So let me take the violin out for the hard working selfless shaddchanim.I barely met any worth the time and money.and yes hey usually treat the boys like gold especially if the name is big enough and the purse.sorry… Read more »
Part of the problem is that we’re so brainwashed to believe that the only correct and frum and appropriate way to meet a match is through a shadchan, after doing tons of “research” (most of which is trivial and irrelevant). The truth is there are many channels through which we can meet our bashert. Let’s not close our eyes when the right opportunity presents itself.
to #3…I was waiting for the joke at the end…. I can’t believe you seriously think that way. I find it interesting that in one of the comments someone writes, “please let’s have ahavas Yisroel, she (the shadchan) put in so much time…..” and basically defends the shadchan’s right to impose her will on the girl. This is a very serious issue. I have been shocked at the way some shadchanim have treated me. If the shaddchan is trying to be of help then they need to know their place and when to not push and respect privacy and space.… Read more »
A lovely older single told me that when a guy clearly wasn’t for her, she would wait for a “proper” excuse to give the shadchan, one that would be accepted as legitimate, rather than just “it’s not for me,” or “there’s no chemistry.” That way, she didn’t get admonished. Ridiculous, but true. Shadchanim… please be sensitive, even though you’re in the toughest business in the world, don’t you think folks know whom they would like to be married to better than you do?
Hey, I don’t understand why you stayed on the phone with this lady, next time someone says something stupid like that hang up! What a sick thing to do! Honestly! Who ever asked her, this upsets me big time!
I feel you describing the situation so respectfully ,I admire you and it’s upsetting to see how people don’t get you and bark at you in response.
Thank you for expressing such a personal feeling in such a delicate way to get the message across.
Broche vehatzlocho
Thank you dear writer for expressing your feelings on a public forum, as many people can benefit from hearing such sentiments expressed which they can very much relate with. I can particularly relate with your words, because of a recent incident that happened with me. I am a 23 year old bocher who hasn’t entered the realm of Shidduchim just yet. I rent an apartment right next door to a middle-aged Lubavitch couple. The woman apparently dabbles in Shidduch-Making and had talked to her husband about a potential girl she had in mind for me which she thought “would be… Read more »
yours, mine & the truth. I would bet the girl was a bit arrogant & the shadchan was a bit stressed out. I’m 100% certain that no shadchan would ever respond to a client like that without some form of provocation. I have had shachanim ask me to get my kids to reconsider, but never in a forceful, threatening manner. I disagree with naming & shaming – we can all complain about shadchanim who don’t call back, who are pushy or too laid back, who want a huge fee – get over it young lady, & move on.
THE SCHADDCHANIM I HAVE WORKED WITH ARE UNDERSTANDING CARING AND REALLY GO OUT OF THERE WAY !!!!!!
Just bc he is a top boy this girl has to marry him?
Such non sense.
You marry who you feel confortabke with!!!#
Should be told to the public who they are and how they act so there should be a scaling system for menschlich and not shadchanim and be made into very public knowledge. There is no excuse to hurt anyones feelings or “put them in their place ” so to speak. Only a person who is respectful towards others amd has humility and is respectful and fair to both girls and boys alike should stay in this business. This is not 100 years ago, no one goes for fiddler on the roof style anymore
No one said she wasn’t doing her job. The person is saying she didn’t deserve to be admonished like that. She’s complaining about how she was spoken to, how she was treated in the process. From the description, the Shadchan was rude, disrespectful, inappropriate, insensitive, unprofessional, and more. How is that ok?
That’s ridiculous. You don’t know if she does or doesn’t know what’s good for her. Maybe she does and that’s why she doesn’t feel she has to take the one “found” for her! Rather than “who does she think she is”, I say “who does the Shadchan think she is?” She should do her best and let it go, because in the end it’s between the 2 single people.
HI Everyone, A gut Voch to all of you. In the spirit of Ahavas Yisroel can we try to understand both sides of this one sided story? A shadchan put hours into a girl she never met, just to help another Jew. She was shocked that this top bochur was being rejected. Dear Single Girl, I know that you are sensitive and vulnerable. Is it possible you misread what she said to you? Did you possibly think more into the words spoken? Did the Shadchan have a hard day, and maybe lost it because she is human? I believe that… Read more »
The girl who wrote this did not write it to be criticized some more, people!!! So, please don’t continue hurting her feelings! She has a mind of her own! Good for you, whoever you are! You should be blessed with a loving husband and many children!
This is the girls side of the story….
What is the shadchan side of the story ….
What caused her to become short fused or say something that the girl here was hurt???
Perhaps.. Just perhaps…. She was provoked …. Or perhaps she was going thru a hard X in her own life…. Many things occur so if all try and see the other persons side and step into their shoes … Each side would feel more respected.
Much hatzlocha in finding ur bashert soon to spend the rest of ur life in complete happiness
The Shadchanit, cannot be a very good one, or even an experienced one. It may have been someone trying to make a Shidduch. Which in itself is a good thing. However, people are sensitive, and must be treated with respect, regardless of outcome. There is no way, that a “professional” Shadchan or Shadchanit would act that way. If, in fact it was a “professional”, I suggest she should quit, immediately! (Don’t give a bad name to those who try so hard to make a Shidduch.)
YOU ARE NUTS!!!!!!! SAID & DONE! & tell me when she finely gets a divorce, who will she turn around to????? Shadchonim force & just because they have anger issues , dosnt mean she can suffer for LIFE.
I am addressing the shadchonim through your letter. I got married a late age in life. I have had your experience and felt terrible. Recently I met a shadchon with the attitude you describe and I told her she had no right to speak to any single person like that. For any person who tries to set people up remember you have no idea how they feel. You have no right to say anything negative !!! It is very painful being single no one needs their feeling hurt The only thing you can advise is for people to look their… Read more »
#3 made me laugh. It’s the girl (who will hopefully stay married for the rest of her life) that needs to deside not the shadchan.
We are always complaining that the Shadchonim are just giving you a name from the list. Finally someone is really trying to do her job and you’re complaining?! BTW, it is the most underpaid and the most thankless unappreciated job. As you stated she doesn’t know you, yet she made the effort of helping you find your spouse and certainly bringing you one closer the right one. C’mon!
any person can have daas and know whats good for them. I really don’t like the fact that only if you are married then you have daas.
got married and then divorce, next time listen to yourself
Who do you think you are to change the “shadchonim” you are a single girl that is not married so does not have the da’as to even understand what’s “good for u” now this Shadchan has made a gezollion shiduks you are going to tell her what a Shiduch is?!?! Shame on you! You listen to her just like everyone els did and you live with whoever you “get” and don’t “get” cuz it’s all meant to be
Been through a similar scenario! Shadchonim have to know that they don’t call the shots!
I don’t really appreciate what some of them do.They can be a nasty lot.I remember one who actually sounded very intelligent and ernest until someone decided not to go out after wanting to-it’s fine.people change their minds.Then the madame decides to ditch the party rejected without any explanation or even a “can’t really work with you”.Have no idea till this day.This is what I call a woman without middos or class- and she’s going to put people together?No thanks.Found much better elsewhere.