By Fay Kranz Greene – TheJewishWoman.com / Chabad.org
The other day, I was telling my grandchildren about my younger years. For some reason, I started talking to them about my high school graduation and the yearbook that was given out to all of us. I told them that the yearbook editors were probably the smartest girls in the class, but that I was upset with them. I don’t even remember their names any more, but I will never forget what they wrote.
Every student was given a “tagline,” I think it’s called—something that sums them up in one sentence or maybe one word. I was new to the school, and they didn’t really know me. Do you want to hear what they assigned to me? I’m kind of embarrassed to tell you.
Fay Friedman … in 1962, I was 16 years old. Here is what they wrote about me: “She thinks she’s smart—don’t try to discourage her!!”
She thinks she’s smart—don’t try to discourage her.
It is now 60 years later, I’m already a great-grandmother, and I have a real memory issue. I can’t remember a lot of things, but those words are as clear to me today as they were all those years ago. I did think I was smart. I couldn’t do algebra or speak fluent Hebrew, but I got decent grades, I was a great speller, and I could write. And those words hurt me then and still hurt whenever I think about them.
Of course, I don’t think about them very often, and they don’t actually hurt any more. Yet the other day, they somehow came up in my mind. And I thought maybe I could share this story.
The Torah states that “one shall not aggrieve his fellow, and you shall fear your G‑d, for I am the L‑rd your G‑d” (Leviticus 25:17). Jewish law explains that this prohibition of onaat devarim includes purposely saying something that will hurt, frighten or embarrass someone.
Onaat devarim includes reminding someone who repented of his previous sins, telling someone that his troubles and misfortunes were caused by his sins or even speaking negatively to a convert about his prior life. This prohibition applies to all times and spaces.
I’m going to judge those editors favorably and say that they weren’t purposely trying to hurt or embarrass me. But if by some chance any of those editors are hearing this, please let me know how sorry you are—that you didn’t think before you wrote something that seemed to be clever at the time but still hurts 60 years later.
Maybe this story could help some yearbook editors who are already starting to put the books together. Maybe it could help them to realize that they are dealing with real human beings and not with some makeup-perfect photos in a book.
And maybe they will realize that what they say today about their fellow classmates will remain in their minds and thoughts for decades. When those young people will grab that yearbook and look for their page, they will be impatiently waiting to read what their peers have written. The editors can either make their day or break their day. It’s a choice.
I realize these editors are only teenagers themselves and are doing the best they can, but their teachers need to warn them in advance. We do not say hurtful things about anyone.
And perhaps more importantly, this tale is not only about editors but really all of us.
If you can’t find anything good to say, then make it up. The person will be so happy to read or hear it, and it might even encourage them to actually live up to those words.
“She thinks she’s smart—don’t try to discourage her.”
I wasn’t discouraged, but I was hurt. Just the fact that I still remember it today is the proof. Because as we all know words matter.
Thank you for sharing! It’s true even years later words will always be remembered, even if the hurt has been worked on.
My classmates would speak about me in front of me and the words they’ve said true or not have carried shame and embarrassment through out my life, Baruch hashem I’m working on it and doing much better!
I don’t even know how I stayed in Chabad communities etc after the bullying I went through as a child
My poor mother, a”h, who lost her dear mother at only 16, and was shy even before that, was given the tagline “Lost in a fog” in her (public school in Brooklyn) yearbook in the late 1930s! She’d had quite a lot to deal with as a teen, but she got good grades and kept out of trouble — pretty darned good for what she’d been through. She was probably just trying to hold things together at the time! That tagline shocked and saddened me when I first saw her yearbook as a young teen. (My mother grew up to… Read more »
Words can hurt so so badly!
I used to feel bad I don’t think quick on my feet and wish I came up with a great retort.
But a friend told me she has so many regrets from her quick thinking.
It’s worth thinking about the effect of our words especially this time of year.
Thanks for sharing the important lesson.
I also have a comment in my yearbook that years later bothers me. Hopefully people can be more sensitive in the future.
Funny enough, I now have a career in consulting and essentially give informed opinions all day long. I am also the first phone call for most of my friends group whenever anyone needs an ear, a suggestion, a connection or just a good old opinion.
But it did hurt at the time.
I love everything about this article thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing your hurt, and for using it to bring about healing. In addition to the girls who wrote that line, the mentors behind the yearbook, might take time to think about their responsibilities in overseeing student exchanges. There is a reason adults oversee their students’ growth.
My ‘friends’ chose to write my tagline as “bishvilli nivrah ha’olam.” It’s been almost twenty years and it still gives me that same ugly feeling to think about it.
I still recall years later how one of the yearbook editors who was At that time not getting along with me
Changing some complimentary words usually written near each student’s picture to mediocre ones.what really bothered me was that it upset my mother .
Thank you for sharing. I also have a yearbook with a line about me that I am ashamed to show my children.
It’s not only in yearbooks or in print, but words often have an impact on us forever.
Obviously, we all try to move on and forgive, but the hurt stings whenever we think about it.
I hope the women who wrote it years ago do read this article and reach out to apologize to you. That would give you a lot of closure and healing.
Unfortunately the hurtful words said by friends are not limited to the yearbook, and what’s even more hurtful is hearing some of those people that said those hurtful words laughing at the”cry babies” that refuse to grow up and still complain about the hurtful words 30 or 40 years later, obviously not aware of how devastating words can be.
I believe it is the responsibility of teachers and principals to proofread and check these publications before they are printed.
Thank you for sharing your experience and for this meaningful article .
Sorry for your pain….
Mrs R Majesky
Beis Chana High School AZ
23 years ago, the girls chose to write a line for me about how I was full of myself… Let me tell you… I remember the shame and humiliation to this day! (And if their goal was to “take me down a notch”, it didn’t achieve anything beneficial for a girl who was deeply, agonizingly insecure inside and afraid of not being accepted or wanted!!!)
It’s not just students. Most adults don’t think about the impact of their words and their actions as well.
Cruel words – what some wrongly refer to as “tough love” – is not love at all. It hurts and can stay with a person for a lifetime.
Giving someone advice or help or even mussar should always be done with kindness.
Think before you speak.
Teenager’s do stupid things without thinking. But there’s always a supervising teacher on the year book committee, where was she?
Why didn’t she go through the tag lines to make sure they weren’t offensive or hurtful?
And it only happened to me a few years ago! I asked the editors to change my line and they said “it was too late” and now I have it forever.
It is 100 percent the teachers/principals responsibility to check over these yearbooks. I cant imagine why it wouldnt be checked over if immature and not nice ppl can write whatever they want about others. Im not sure why im commenting i feel like i just need to. I also hope this article makes ppl wake up
So special of you to write this article. Yes, words do hurt – deeply – and it so much easier to forgive than to forget. I remember in my elementary years – not in Bais Rivka – a girl would sit on my desk when the teacher was out of the room, just to bother me. I’d move a little to the side, and so would she. Over and over. Many times. Oh, did she put me down. The teacher never noticed and I never had the ‘guts’ to tell her. Neither did any of my classmates. I still remember… Read more »
About 37 years ago, I was waiting on line in the pizza shop with my 3 year old son who was dressed clean and chassidish. In front of us was a girl, about 7 years old with her little brother. Looking at my son, she said to her brother “a shlechteh yingel”. I don’t forgive her or her parents.
It seems there are a couple parts to this experience. One is the editors and writers of the tagline. Your sharing your feelings of hurt even 60 years later, and requesting the writers take responsibility, is understandable. The second part of the experience is what I’d like to bring awareness to. It seems there is a question that may have gone unanswered, or even not asked for that matter. What is it about the tagline that seems to hurt you even now? Each of us has the ability to see things, to interpret things, as we so choose. The same… Read more »
I have to express a similar sentiment to the comments above-
I, too, had a memorable yet not so complimentary tagline in my yearbook.
“There is a huge freedom that comes when you take nothing personally.”
I am still bothered about how my peers were thinking of me in high school. What, that all words should be taken seriously? That some jokes are not ok?
Brave, brave words
I think it was a compliment about your strength of character. ‘Don’t try to discourage her’ because she’s so strong in her conviction that it won’t work! 😊
Kol hakovod for sharing this sensitive story with us, a hard thing to do!
May you and your entire family be pain free and enjoy the delights of the immediate geulah ‼️ ‼️ ‼️ ‼️
I recall reading a Readers Digest article years ago about a teacher who asked each student in the class to write one line saying something nice about each of their classmates. Each did this and a copy of all the positive comments made about them were given to the student themselves. The article said how the author kept his copy folded into his wallet for many many years…I always thought this would be something wonderful for every teacher to implement…imagine how wonderful to think that someone thinks positively of you, how much a person would cherish such a thing. Thank… Read more »
Highschool is a very hard few years. It hurts to think back to those days. I hope teachers and principals can make positive changes on inclusivity and not rely on editors to run the whole yearbook.
In my high school years, when we did yearbook…everything went though administration before it went to print.
Also, “tagline” is suppose to be something special that this person exhibits. In our class we chose different sayings/attributes from pirkei Avos that applied to each girl.
Girls will be girls
Well, not 60 years – but over 20. And when I spoke to the advising teacher/principal (a very publicly respected lady) she said “well it’s probably true”… Thanks for sharing and bringing light to this hurtful practice!
My tagline in my 8th grade (13 years old, 55 years ago) .yearbook was 2 words BIG DEAL I could have interpreted it in 2 ways A compliment Like I’m chilled in nature and say “big deal” and don’t take life that seriously. Which can be a compliment in a way Or Feel hurt and embarrassed that that’s all they can say about me big deal? I’m no big deal ? I remember feeling like I’m a no stressed. Because that who everyone says I am And from then on I carried the ‘big deal badge’ that I don’t stress… Read more »
I was meeting my mother to look at wedding gowns and I met a former classmate. When I said I was engaged and was looking at wedding dresses, the classmate looked me up & down and said in all sincerity: “He must be blind.” I don’t remember my response but I was so devastated I bought the first gown I tried on. I do remember thinking, “it fits, it’s tzanua, it’s white, it’ll do.” All the joy was sucked out of me, I couldn’t wait to get out to lick my wounds. We have been married for almost 47 years.… Read more »
People say those things only because they’re jealous.
I used to scoff when my mother said that to me as a teen, but I have found that advice to be 100% true. Only insecure people gain anything by insulting others.
Why give powerful, prestigious jobs such as yearbook editor to girls with such appalling midos? Instead of rewarding the social climbers, its important for mechanchos to choose those who exemplify the values of “רוח הבריות נוחה הימנו”
“טוב לשמים וטוב לבריות”
As true today as it was then.