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Sunday, 21 Iyyar, 5779
  |  May 26, 2019

    A Word from a Shadchan

    From the COLlive Inbox: As we are nearing Shavuos, allow me to use a Dvar Torah to clarify a point I am trying to make about bochurim and girls not finding their prospective Shidduch. Full Story

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    nice...
    Guest
    nice...

    ….sweet

    ???
    Guest
    ???

    Ain Keshser klal U’Klal…

    looking for a shidduch
    Guest
    looking for a shidduch

    You & other Shadchanim should actually consider doing your job that you volunteered to take upon yourself You talk about the Inyan of Yichus? How about thos of us without it? You will not even think about it most of you won’t seriously consider someone who doesn’t or lie to us about a prospect not return calls, tell us you can’t or won’t help! Do your job right without Kunsim bias etc.!

    if i am not mistaken
    Guest
    if i am not mistaken

    it was up to his neck

    Hugh
    Guest
    Hugh

    Whats The connection?

    that was usefull....
    Guest
    that was usefull....

    i just learned on the first page of sotah, that kashe kkrias yam suf only applies to a second shidduch. close your book and return your calls

    HUH!!
    Guest
    HUH!!

    Maybe up to the nose means when you phone the shadchan over and over and over, and leave messages which do not get returned.
    Maybe it means that if you do actually get through to the shadchan (probably because he/she thought you were someone else), you are told, “I’ll call you right back” and they never do.
    Maybe it means if you actually get to speak, you are told, “i don’t have any names, but if you tell me a name, I will make the call for you.”
    V’ain l’harich bedovor hamitza’er!!

    Thank you
    Guest
    Thank you

    Am inspired! I do not know who you are but I am sure you are a wonderful Shadchan!
    Keepup the great and holy work!!!!

    RIVKAH LEAH BERNATH CHICAGO SHIDDUCH GROUP
    Guest
    RIVKAH LEAH BERNATH CHICAGO SHIDDUCH GROUP

    THANK YOU TO THE WRITER, IT TAKES A LOT OF GUTS TO WRITE ABOUT THIS ISSUE. ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE, ITS A COMPLEX SUBJECT. I CORRESPOND WITH OVER 300 FAMILIES. AS I SEE IT THERE ARE SEVERAL ISSUES HERE LEAST BEING FFB WANTING A SIMILAR KIND OF FAMILY. ONE PIECE OF THIS COMPLEX PUZZLE IS THE SINGLES SPEAKING TO THEIR FRIENDS ABOUT SOMEONE THEY WENT OUT WITH. I SEE MANY SHIDDUCHIM RUINED BECAUSE OF THIS. WE HAVE MORE “CHILLED BOYS THEN GIRLS. ITS EASIER TO BE A “GOOD GIRL” THAN A “GOOD BOY”. THE PRESSURE ON OUR BOYS IN THE… Read more »

    To #9
    Guest
    To #9

    Sounds like you are trying to justify your parnassa. A 26 year old deciding who to date is not in their best interest?? I sure hope the system is fixed by the time my children are in the “shidduch parsha”! Let me ask you, how many of the couples you have fixed up are now divorced?

    HaShem is the best Shadchan there is!
    Guest
    HaShem is the best Shadchan there is!

    And He returns His calls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    To the shadchan
    Guest
    To the shadchan

    I would like to know who you are so that I could get in touch with you.
    – A 28 year old girl without “yichus.”

    IS HE WORTHY
    Guest
    IS HE WORTHY

    I REMEMBER MANY YEARS AGO, THE FATHER OF A GIRL WHO WAS GOING OUT SERIOUSLY WITH A WONDERFUL BOCHUR WHO HAD ONE FAULT, HE WAS A BAAL TESHUVA.THE GIRL WAS FROM A “GESHE” HOME AND THE FATHER WENT IN TO THE REBBE FOR YECHIDUS AND BEMOANED THE FACT THAT HE WONDERED IF THIS BOCHUR IS DESERVING OF A GIRL LIKE HIS DAUGHTER, AFTER ALL LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE IN THE BACKGROUNDS. AND THE REBBE’S RESPONSE WAS “AND I WONDER IF SHE IS WORTHY OF HIM!”

    RIVKAH LEAH BERNATH CHICAGO SHIDDUCH GROUP
    Guest
    RIVKAH LEAH BERNATH CHICAGO SHIDDUCH GROUP

    NO ONE DIVORCED. THANK G-D. WE’RE NOT SHADCHANITE. WE GET NO MONEY. NOT A DIME.

    ignore comments
    Guest
    ignore comments

    your success is in the marriages that you’ve helped create.
    i only wish i could have such a zchus
    ignore the nasty comments, the proof is in the pudding.
    good luck!!

    to #10
    Guest
    to #10

    How about an apology?
    We need to (re) learn how to say sorry, I made a mistake.
    Come on #10, you can do it.

    #13
    Guest
    #13

    Yichus?! Yichus is WHAT YOU ARE and what YOU accomplish in you life, that’s YOUR Yichus, not what your father,grand father or great grand father.

    Shidduchim
    Guest
    Shidduchim

    Try making one shidduch than we will talk.

    who hasa better yichus
    Guest
    who hasa better yichus

    yaakov avinu or his brother eisav?

    SO SO WRONG- totally OFF.
    Guest
    SO SO WRONG- totally OFF.

    This is article is essentially FLAWED because it is addressed to the victims (the bochrim and girls)!!! Who makes the calls and decisions in the first few years of torture in the poor girl’s dating life? It’s the uptight, square, and backward MOTHERS. For trivial and silly thing, or sometimes for IMPORTANT things like yichus they skip over some very normal and healthy prospective matches. Or for things that the mother “knows” is so important they turn down bochrim that might just work for the girls. So this should be addressing mothers, the person making the pre dating decisions, not… Read more »

    I am # !0
    Guest
    I am # !0

    I am so sorry. I admit I was wrong. I didn’t have all my information and facts straight.

     To PS:
    Guest
    To PS:

    You love and respect us! Are you kidding! We are not perfect and you were not respectful. This is hard for the Mothers too We cant wait to see you married. All the brochos to you and may hear many many many mazeltovs.

    Laaniyas Dayti
    Guest
    Laaniyas Dayti

    May your matches be more appropriate than your “vertelech”.

    clarification
    Guest
    clarification

    when people looking for shidduchim say they want yichus its often not because of the name but rather that girls and boys who were brought up in a frum chasidisher home by parents who were also brought up in frum chassidisher homes often have a certain derher that others dont. and those brought up by bt parents have differnt feeling that others dont. This isnt to put down any type. just admit that there are different types of families in lubavitch and that each type should marry similar. Im not just stam talking, im married to someone with a very… Read more »

    yasher Koach!
    Guest
    yasher Koach!

    You deserve a big yasher Koach for TRYING to make Shidduchim. Keep up the good work and don’t get burnt out. The world needs more people like you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Critical Thought is an Absolute  Prerequisite  to Writing
    Guest
    Critical Thought is an Absolute Prerequisite to Writing

    This OP ED is enigmatic at best insulting at worst. 1) it dosent considder the biases of the Shadchanim 2) The Biases of the Parents Who is the intended audience? To presume that people don’t get married because of their yichus is unidirectional and not a complete truth. More often then not SHADCHANIM are agents of social norms or in other words, “gate keepers” of what is seen as status quo in CH. more often than not the Shadchanim do not reflect on their own biases, but their own own biases are reflected in the shiduchim they suggest. As such… Read more »

    A request to the Bochurim and Mothers of Bochurim
    Guest
    A request to the Bochurim and Mothers of Bochurim

    I’m personally requesting on not only mine, but of other girls behalfs too – when you hear a name of a girl, please, instead of saying, “I’ve heard that name before”, or “I’ll put it on the list”, give us a chance! Look into the name as properly as it deserves. Even if you have in the past heard a negative thing or two about her- B”H, we are all human, we all have our flaws, and maybe what you heard wasn’t even true?? Clarify if you want by asking references, not just a friend who dated the girl. I… Read more »

    10 Makos
    Guest
    10 Makos

    a shidduch is as hard as Krias Yamsuf,but before that comes the 10 makos that we have to go thru until we get there,so figure if you went thru 10 bouts of agmas nefesh, you’re just about getting there.

    Gentle reminders when speaking about the MOST IMPORTANT decision in our lives...
    Guest
    Gentle reminders when speaking about the MOST IMPORTANT decision in our lives...

    Just a gentle reminder to the singles or parents of singles. When Hashem puts the “idea” into someone’s head and the shadchan stops playing with her child, or cooking for a new mother, or driving carpool, or making Shabbos, or just came home from work and stops to call you with an idea… please remember, he/she is just a shaliach. He/she stopped to call to tell you an idea. If you were unavailable, just call back, ask if they are available, and THANK THEM for thinking of you. And shadchans, if you are married/working/busy time of your life and don’t… Read more »

    ATTENTION  NUMBER 13
    Guest
    ATTENTION NUMBER 13

    Kudos to your excellent comment. It mentioned that once a Baal Teshuva Bochur was seriously dating a Girl from a Gezha family. The father of the girl went into the Rebbe and expressed his concern if this particular Bochur was “worthy”of his Daughter, considering his background. The Rebbe’s response was “and I wonder if she is worthy of him. WOW! I think this should be presented to all FFBS, No discrimination against BTS. They make the lovliest of people. Signed, BEEN THERE DONE THAT! All 3 of my married children(FFBS) married into BT families and K”AH B”H are happily married.… Read more »

    Nicely put #29
    Guest
    Nicely put #29

    In the goyishe world, prospects are advised to pay attention to how the other treats the waiter to discern “character”. It seems that in the Chabadnik frum world, it’s much simpler: a Shadchan need only pay attention to the family’s interaction with her – or about her to others – to get an EXCELLENT idea of what will be married into. Better than Yichus – practical, first-hand knowledge of middos, values, environment, and, of course, latent psychological problems. “This one has eaten right, gone to all the right schools, can trace their ancestry back to Avraham Aveinu with Kohanim Gedolim… Read more »

    Two Additional Notes
    Guest
    Two Additional Notes

    1) If – chas v’shalom v’chas v’shalom – the Shadchan has no husband, no children, no grandchildren, is not looking for her own Kedushin, and has no obligations nor parnassah other than this, then it might make sense to be displaying the levels of hostility, frustration, and lack of empathy shown here. (Would you really want such a Shadchan, who never had a family of her own? I would hope that your answer is “it depends on the individual circumstances” – a useful outlook in many related areas.) Do not forget… a successful Kiddushin is her job. She will be… Read more »

    what happens if a girl is not artsy????
    Guest
    what happens if a girl is not artsy????

    #9: is a girl not successful if she’s the scientist? lawyer? accountant? not he artist, singer, etc?

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