By Yehudis Bluming
Years are passing by and you’re still in the Parsha of Shidduchim for your child. The pain is gut-wrenching, days turn to months, turn to years and the anxiety keeps rising. In addition to the endless tefillos, what more can be done?
We all know that Shidduchim come from Hashem as miraculous and mystifying as the splitting of the sea. Yet just as when it comes to the health of our children, we do everything in our power, we have an equal responsibility and zchus to do our maximum when it comes to Shidduchim.
After a few years of dating and trying, the conventional route, Stage 1 comes to an end. People are often left deflated and burnt out, sadly sometimes ready to surrender to singlehood.
We need to be there for each other in this time of need.
Don’t give up, your Bashert will come, only now efforts need to be redoubled and creative new routes taken.
It truly takes a village. I am humbled to share with anyone that has entered the stage 2 of dating, insights and knowledge these precious older singles and their parents have shared. I hope that it can strengthen and empower you.
Know we are here praying and aiding you in this process
Top 8 tips from parents and singles that have helped them in this journey.
1. Create an Updated Profile
Have a real conversation- AGAIN- with your child. Make sure you are looking for what your child is looking for. Perhaps things have changed over the years. This is HIS/HER Shidduch you are looking for! Make sure the profile is well presented, updated and with a good picture.
Continued Profile Exposure
Maybe at the age of 20, you shared your child’s profile with one or two shadchanim. Now, ensure your child’s profile is out there! The more people that see the name, the more chance that someone will think of a matching name. It is truly important and helpful to keep your child’s name at the forefront of people’s minds.
One great place to upload the profile is https://www.chabadmatch.com/
The largest Chabad Shidduch data base with options of various levels of privacy. When you put in your profile, you will have access to sophisticated computerized suggestions that have led to many Shidduchim. You can also do a limited search; proactively finding a suggestion for your own child.
2. Shidduch Influencers
Have a female married friend or relative join on his/her behalf to network and advocate. There are now close to 1,000 women who work tirelessly to suggest names. They can reach out via whatsapp to 919-357-5904 and ask to join the group.
3. Be your child’s Shadchan
70% of Shidduchim come from friends and family!
Ask as many friends and family members if they know anyone personally on these lists in the age range you are searching for, and then you can come empowered to the shadchan. Many Shadchanim do not necessarily come up with names as much as they facilitate the meetings
4. Consider Expanding your Pool of options.
Perhaps what you thought was not your first choice has changed now that your child is no longer 20. It’s not called settling, it’s reprioritizing and being realistic. You cannot know in advance where your child’s perfect match will be found.
Revisit old names! Perhaps there was a name that came up before, or maybe even someone your child dated. Consider it again. We all grow and change, and what bothered you then might not bother you now. COUNTLESS shidduchim have happened when people reconsidered a name that had already come up. Furthermore;
A.- Perhaps contact the Israeli representative from Adei Ad that is in contact with Shadchanim in Israel that are English speaking.
Nechama +972 54-496-0792 ww.adeyad.org
B.- There are many special men and women who have graduated from Baal Teshuva Yeshivas that can be a potential Shidduch. Perhaps try the Hanhalla of Morristown and Mayanot or Machon L’Yahadus & Machon Alte to hear names of some of their alumni.
Here is Mayanot’s Link www.Mayanotconnects.com
For Machon L’Yahadus Yehudis Cohen 347-300-7729
C.- As your child gets older, he or she might request opening the circle beyond Chabad-there are many Chabad friendly Bochurim and Girls. Below is a representative who can help bridge the gap with Frum communities in the US.
Director Lisa Elephant, 212- 866- 0546 https://www.adoptashadchan.com/
5. Keep on meeting Shadchanim
Although it may not be on your child’s top 10 list of fun things to do, having your child meet Shadchonim (not simply speaking to them on the phone) is a key to keeping your child’s name on their mind. The Shidduch house, for example, has set up wonderful opportunities to have you or your child visit. The various Shadchanim collaborate and brainstorm together on his/her behalf. [email protected]
In general, best not to wait for a Shadchan to call you. It’s our responsibility as parents to be on the Shadchanim’s radar. Now, more empowered with your own list, call and reached out to them regularly (try twice a month). In the spirit of Hakoras Hatov- and a good way to make your child’s name fresh in their mind- send a gift for each time they set your child up, even if the date didn’t result in a Mazel Tov.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of Shadchanim. Feel free to share others you have used that have been helpful.
6. Encourage your son/daughter to get Shidduch Coaching
Consider proactively helping your child go to a dating coach or therapist. Nothing is wrong with your child, but a dating coach can help change ineffective dating behaviours or thought processes. One particularly worrying trend, is that people are dropping dates too early, expecting immediate connection and attraction. A Shidduch Coach can help you reassess. It may be simply be the years of unsuccessful dating that can lead to Shidduch burnout .
Below are some suggestions of dating coaches/ therapists. Feel free to share more that you have used and found helpful.
Yossi Ives PHD 845- 624- 9435 Frannie Teitelbaum – Therapist 917-494-4993
Moshe Raitman 847-840-8633 Rochel Duchman 323-620-3618
Toby Lieder (Australia) +61470173916
7. Think about another single
There is no question that passing on names that didn’t work for your child and might work for another, will definitely bring Brocha to your search.
8. Keep on Trying!
Don’t give up! Take a deep breath and try again. Keep on dating, keep on working at finding dates. God willing at the right time, your Hishtadlus will meet success.
May Hashem bless our efforts with only revealed brochos
With Humility and Sensitivity, Yehudis Bluming Director Shidduch influencer
Dedicated in honor of my Mother and Shadchan, Mrs. Rochel Heber A”H.