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Thursday, 7 Kislev, 5783
  |  December 1, 2022

8 Tips From Parents and Singles in Shidduchim

For those in the Parsha of Shidduchim for yourself or a child for more than a few years, Shlucha Yehudis Bluming shares 8 top tips and insights shared by older singles and their parents which have helped them in this journey. Full Story

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Can we stop talking about “children”
November 16, 2022 10:40 am

Children don’t get married, adults do. The adults that want to get married deserve to be spoken to directly about their lives. Can we try to not infantilize those who are working hard to find their partners?

Response to above
Reply to  Can we stop talking about “children”
November 16, 2022 10:58 am

Our children will always be our children.
Speaking to shadchanim on behalf of our children doesn’t mean that we don’t treat them as adults.
Many young adults are uncomfortable dealing with the shadchan, and they prefer their parents do it instead.
Clearly, the ultimate decision is theirs.

“Children”
Reply to  Can we stop talking about “children”
November 16, 2022 12:51 pm

Agree about not infantilizing men & women ready to get married.

There is no mention of “boy” or “girl”, which I appreciate.

Instead of “child”, you may have preferred “son/daughter” which sounds more grown up.

And also yes, a parents’ child no matter what age.

Young women NOT girls
Reply to  Can we stop talking about “children”
November 16, 2022 3:32 pm

Along these lines, people must stop referring to bochurim as boys (they are single men) and young women as girls. Boys and girls shouldn’t be dating and getting married. Men and women should be. It implies that until one is married, they are not a real adult… very problematic.

As a young person in shidduchim
Reply to  Young women NOT girls
November 17, 2022 9:42 pm

To be honest, the terms ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ don’t bother me so much, as the vernacular is currently being used generally, since our generation is culturally much younger than previous ones. People in their 30s are still living the lifestyles of people in their early 20s, both in Chabad and in the secular world, and that’s totally fine. What I do dislike, however, and what plenty of family and friends in shadchanus dislike, is how hands-off the people dating actually are outside of the dates themselves. Now, I understand that some people like the safety blanket of everything being arranged… Read more »

Is there any way....
November 16, 2022 10:55 am

To get hadar hatorahs number? Or someone/a shatchin who knows hadar Torahs bochurim?

No shadchan at Hadar
Reply to  Is there any way....
November 16, 2022 12:02 pm

There is no shadchan at Hadar for some odd reason. Feel free to look up the number online and call them.

To a parent
November 16, 2022 11:11 am

Their son and daughter are always their child

Though they may be many decades old

Great article
November 16, 2022 11:13 am

Your doing an amazing job yehudis!keep it up

I love this
November 16, 2022 11:14 am

Sharp , To the point and so so needed

Wow
November 16, 2022 11:15 am

What a treasure trove of resources
I was so lost
This is awesome

Hashem’s children
November 16, 2022 11:20 am

We are all Gods children! You understand it’s an expression of a parent – child relationship no matter how old. Avrohom was told to take his lad… Yitzchok was 37 remember ! To a parent a child is a child no matter what age!

Yehudis rocks!
November 16, 2022 11:39 am

Always caring about the singles!really a true example of helping others

So we’ll written with sensitivity yet clarify
November 16, 2022 11:57 am

Thank you for being spot on. Resourceful, helpful and being sensitive for us on the parsha to know there are others that have our back. Thank you for writing .

I wish there was a comprehensive list of Shadchonm
November 16, 2022 12:16 pm

Rochel Kaplan
Chani Laibovitch
Chevi Levkevker have made most of my children’s Shidduchim

Is there / can someone make a complete list

Above
Reply to  I wish there was a comprehensive list of Shadchonm
November 16, 2022 2:41 pm

It says in the article that there is a list on chabadmatch

you are trying
November 16, 2022 12:27 pm

Have you ever tried to reach a shadchan after the age of 24/25? as parents YesI have tried !!! NO ANSWER!! Every phone call one makes we cashapp, yes it is their time, they have families so we PAY them. After a while they do not answer phone calls or emails, or whatsapp.. When you use someelse phone and they hear it is a woman or man with an older child, they say sorry or hang up and say i am on my way out, ill call you RIGHT back.! where are bochurim?? No names on the list, they are… Read more »

frustrated
Reply to  you are trying
November 16, 2022 3:39 pm

You are obviously frustrated and I get that, I’m a mother too B’H and have gone through many sleepless nights worrying about my children’s shidduchim. But PLEASE! Stop blaming the shadchanim! They are working overtime (and even on Shabbos) looking out for all of us. They are not G-D and cannot create custom people for everyone. They are working with what they have and cannot majically find someone for everyone. There are way too many people who need shidduchim than the ratio of shadchanim so cannot help everyone. They work hard and give so much of their time helping others.… Read more »

Thank you for the article
November 16, 2022 1:14 pm

Who does one go to for a young divorcee with young children?
Please advise?
They are also our children:(

You can vent
November 16, 2022 1:29 pm

Still waiting age 35….
suggestion: parents should let their son/daughter let them be themselves. A lot of problems comes from a parent whom it feels like “SHE’S ” the one getting married when it’s her son or daughter. Let your son or daughter be themselves. They are not you! You got married, let them!

So much great resources
November 16, 2022 2:22 pm

Thank you for writing and sharing so many resources with us. Keep these articles coming. This is a parsha so many are frustrated and in the dark with. The more knowledge the more power. Thank you for writing this with so much sensitivity and care.

My Opinion
November 16, 2022 3:39 pm

We received profiles that contained lies so – not a fan of profiles. In fact I would say making judgements from profiles and photos are part of the problem. Strongly agree that if your child, especially a girl, is getting older and nothing is progressing they should join one of the Jewish dating sites and let them try to find their own (including seriously considering non Chabad). Our child (raised Chabad and went through the system) after no results with Chabad Shadchanim, married a non Chabad after meeting on a dating site, BH they’re happy with BH beautiful children. And… Read more »

I guess everyone with their own experience
Reply to  My Opinion
November 16, 2022 5:21 pm

I though friends would be more helpful then profiles. They are “suppose to ” know you and get more bottom line then the shatchanim. Turns out, still single over 30 because all I got was hints and “in the air” suggestions but not an actual person. Here I go to profiles, at least its live people.

incredible dating coach and resource
November 16, 2022 3:51 pm

Sara Esther Crispe is an incredible dating coach and world-renown speaker and educator. She really gets people…the “whole” person and not just his/her names or external manifestations. She has training/background in mental health and has no patience for the narishkeit of the “system”

Her contact is: [email protected].

what more can be done?
November 16, 2022 4:07 pm

“Years are passing by and you’re still in the Parsha of Shidduchim for your child. The pain is gut-wrenching, days turn to months, turn to years and the anxiety keeps rising. In addition to the endless tefillos, what more can be done?” What might happen if we actually stopped emphasizing and obsessing over shidduchim. What if we celebrated our children, regardless of their ages, for who they are and what they’ve accomplished in life thus far. How much mental health complexities could we avoid if we didn’t refer to being in “the parsha” as “painful” or “gut-wrenching”? How much better would the… Read more »

This!!!!!!
Reply to  what more can be done?
November 16, 2022 7:22 pm

Yes to everything!!!!!!!!

absolutely!!
Reply to  what more can be done?
November 16, 2022 10:24 pm

singles are constantly made to feel they are not good enough and every flaw is the reason they are not married. there are plenty of married people with the same flaws

we are not looking to get our PARENTS a son/daughter in law as quickly as possible – we are looking for LONG TERM partners for OURSELVES!

So true
November 16, 2022 4:40 pm

So many important points to ponder on. It’s easier to give up, the battle is real but we can only do our best with all our might using every ave. And HaShem will do the rest

Suggestion #6
November 16, 2022 4:45 pm

I would highly encourage people to go to a marriage therapist over a Shidduch coach. They can see the bigger picture and have the schooling and actual experience dealing with couples. It helped me marry at 30 and it also helped me be able to walk away from someone. This is the best tip I received when I was single.

Working with a coach
Reply to  Suggestion #6
November 16, 2022 10:49 pm

Want to add that my sons went to a (certain) shidduch coach –
They were told everything that is wrong with them and that they are doing everything wrong.
This caused only damage.
If you’re thinking of working with a coach, please work with someone who will empower and encourage.
Thank you for this article and for the great coaches out there.

Too many people
November 16, 2022 7:40 pm

There are too many singles and only so much that can be done. We need productive events and programs for these singles to meet eachother

Nice hearing tips & suggestions
November 16, 2022 8:23 pm

Am agreeing with the person who wrote about where to turn for divorced young beautiful child:( Anyone helping in this direction please post info.

Love this! Thank you Yehudis!!
November 16, 2022 8:29 pm

May all working on this see tremendous hatzlocha!

great, informative article
November 17, 2022 4:00 pm

thank you for listing all of these resources in one place!

Shadchan
November 17, 2022 11:40 pm

Most shadchanim are volunteers.
I think we need to revamp the system and have them paid like an office job. No one works for free. We have so many older singles.
We have fundraisers for infertility, shuls and schools.
How about paying shadchanim?
Come into a shidduch office, brainstorm, meet people. We’d have more shadchanim and more time go to this.

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