By Yehudis Bluming
Years are passing by and you’re still in the Parsha of Shidduchim for your child. The pain is gut-wrenching, days turn to months, turn to years and the anxiety keeps rising. In addition to the endless tefillos, what more can be done?
We all know that Shidduchim come from Hashem as miraculous and mystifying as the splitting of the sea. Yet just as when it comes to the health of our children, we do everything in our power, we have an equal responsibility and zchus to do our maximum when it comes to Shidduchim.
After a few years of dating and trying, the conventional route, Stage 1 comes to an end. People are often left deflated and burnt out, sadly sometimes ready to surrender to singlehood.
We need to be there for each other in this time of need.
Don’t give up, your Bashert will come, only now efforts need to be redoubled and creative new routes taken.
It truly takes a village. I am humbled to share with anyone that has entered the stage 2 of dating, insights and knowledge these precious older singles and their parents have shared. I hope that it can strengthen and empower you.
Know we are here praying and aiding you in this process
Top 8 tips from parents and singles that have helped them in this journey.
1. Create an Updated Profile
Have a real conversation- AGAIN- with your child. Make sure you are looking for what your child is looking for. Perhaps things have changed over the years. This is HIS/HER Shidduch you are looking for! Make sure the profile is well presented, updated and with a good picture.
Continued Profile Exposure
Maybe at the age of 20, you shared your child’s profile with one or two shadchanim. Now, ensure your child’s profile is out there! The more people that see the name, the more chance that someone will think of a matching name. It is truly important and helpful to keep your child’s name at the forefront of people’s minds.
One great place to upload the profile is https://www.chabadmatch.com/
The largest Chabad Shidduch data base with options of various levels of privacy. When you put in your profile, you will have access to sophisticated computerized suggestions that have led to many Shidduchim. You can also do a limited search; proactively finding a suggestion for your own child.
2. Shidduch Influencers
https://www.shidduchinfluencer.com
Have a female married friend or relative join on his/her behalf to network and advocate. There are now close to 1,000 women who work tirelessly to suggest names. They can reach out via whatsapp to 919-357-5904 and ask to join the group.
3. Be your child’s Shadchan
70% of Shidduchim come from friends and family!
Secure a list of singles of the opposite gender in your child’s age range. www.Chabadmatch.com/Bochurim.php www.chabadmatch.com/girls
Ask as many friends and family members if they know anyone personally on these lists in the age range you are searching for, and then you can come empowered to the shadchan. Many Shadchanim do not necessarily come up with names as much as they facilitate the meetings
4. Consider Expanding your Pool of options.
Perhaps what you thought was not your first choice has changed now that your child is no longer 20. It’s not called settling, it’s reprioritizing and being realistic. You cannot know in advance where your child’s perfect match will be found.
Revisit old names! Perhaps there was a name that came up before, or maybe even someone your child dated. Consider it again. We all grow and change, and what bothered you then might not bother you now. COUNTLESS shidduchim have happened when people reconsidered a name that had already come up. Furthermore;
A.- Perhaps contact the Israeli representative from Adei Ad that is in contact with Shadchanim in Israel that are English speaking.
Nechama +972 54-496-0792 ww.adeyad.org
B.- There are many special men and women who have graduated from Baal Teshuva Yeshivas that can be a potential Shidduch. Perhaps try the Hanhalla of Morristown and Mayanot or Machon L’Yahadus & Machon Alte to hear names of some of their alumni.
Here is Mayanot’s Link www.Mayanotconnects.com
For Machon L’Yahadus Yehudis Cohen 347-300-7729
C.- As your child gets older, he or she might request opening the circle beyond Chabad-there are many Chabad friendly Bochurim and Girls. Below is a representative who can help bridge the gap with Frum communities in the US.
Director Lisa Elephant, 212- 866- 0546 https://www.adoptashadchan.com/
Or join sites such as
www.frumster.com , www.sawyouatsinai.com https://www.jmatchmaking.com/
5. Keep on meeting Shadchanim
Although it may not be on your child’s top 10 list of fun things to do, having your child meet Shadchonim (not simply speaking to them on the phone) is a key to keeping your child’s name on their mind. The Shidduch house, for example, has set up wonderful opportunities to have you or your child visit. The various Shadchanim collaborate and brainstorm together on his/her behalf. [email protected]
In general, best not to wait for a Shadchan to call you. It’s our responsibility as parents to be on the Shadchanim’s radar. Now, more empowered with your own list, call and reached out to them regularly (try twice a month). In the spirit of Hakoras Hatov- and a good way to make your child’s name fresh in their mind- send a gift for each time they set your child up, even if the date didn’t result in a Mazel Tov.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of Shadchanim. Feel free to share others you have used that have been helpful.
www.chabadmatch.com/shadchanlist www.shidduchhouse.com/#bios
6. Encourage your son/daughter to get Shidduch Coaching
Consider proactively helping your child go to a dating coach or therapist. Nothing is wrong with your child, but a dating coach can help change ineffective dating behaviours or thought processes. One particularly worrying trend, is that people are dropping dates too early, expecting immediate connection and attraction. A Shidduch Coach can help you reassess. It may be simply be the years of unsuccessful dating that can lead to Shidduch burnout .
Below are some suggestions of dating coaches/ therapists. Feel free to share more that you have used and found helpful.
Yossi Ives PHD 845- 624- 9435 Frannie Teitelbaum – Therapist 917-494-4993
Moshe Raitman 847-840-8633 Rochel Duchman 323-620-3618
Toby Lieder (Australia) +61470173916
7. Think about another single
There is no question that passing on names that didn’t work for your child and might work for another, will definitely bring Brocha to your search.
8. Keep on Trying!
Don’t give up! Take a deep breath and try again. Keep on dating, keep on working at finding dates. God willing at the right time, your Hishtadlus will meet success.
May Hashem bless our efforts with only revealed brochos
With Humility and Sensitivity, Yehudis Bluming Director Shidduch influencer
Dedicated in honor of my Mother and Shadchan, Mrs. Rochel Heber A”H.
Children don’t get married, adults do. The adults that want to get married deserve to be spoken to directly about their lives. Can we try to not infantilize those who are working hard to find their partners?
Our children will always be our children.
Speaking to shadchanim on behalf of our children doesn’t mean that we don’t treat them as adults.
Many young adults are uncomfortable dealing with the shadchan, and they prefer their parents do it instead.
Clearly, the ultimate decision is theirs.
Agree about not infantilizing men & women ready to get married.
There is no mention of “boy” or “girl”, which I appreciate.
Instead of “child”, you may have preferred “son/daughter” which sounds more grown up.
And also yes, a parents’ child no matter what age.
Along these lines, people must stop referring to bochurim as boys (they are single men) and young women as girls. Boys and girls shouldn’t be dating and getting married. Men and women should be. It implies that until one is married, they are not a real adult… very problematic.
To be honest, the terms ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ don’t bother me so much, as the vernacular is currently being used generally, since our generation is culturally much younger than previous ones. People in their 30s are still living the lifestyles of people in their early 20s, both in Chabad and in the secular world, and that’s totally fine. What I do dislike, however, and what plenty of family and friends in shadchanus dislike, is how hands-off the people dating actually are outside of the dates themselves. Now, I understand that some people like the safety blanket of everything being arranged… Read more »
To get hadar hatorahs number? Or someone/a shatchin who knows hadar Torahs bochurim?
There is no shadchan at Hadar for some odd reason. Feel free to look up the number online and call them.
Their son and daughter are always their child
Though they may be many decades old
Your doing an amazing job yehudis!keep it up
Sharp , To the point and so so needed
What a treasure trove of resources
I was so lost
This is awesome
We are all Gods children! You understand it’s an expression of a parent – child relationship no matter how old. Avrohom was told to take his lad… Yitzchok was 37 remember ! To a parent a child is a child no matter what age!
Always caring about the singles!really a true example of helping others
Thank you for being spot on. Resourceful, helpful and being sensitive for us on the parsha to know there are others that have our back. Thank you for writing .
Rochel Kaplan
Chani Laibovitch
Chevi Levkevker have made most of my children’s Shidduchim
Is there / can someone make a complete list
It says in the article that there is a list on chabadmatch
Have you ever tried to reach a shadchan after the age of 24/25? as parents YesI have tried !!! NO ANSWER!! Every phone call one makes we cashapp, yes it is their time, they have families so we PAY them. After a while they do not answer phone calls or emails, or whatsapp.. When you use someelse phone and they hear it is a woman or man with an older child, they say sorry or hang up and say i am on my way out, ill call you RIGHT back.! where are bochurim?? No names on the list, they are… Read more »
You are obviously frustrated and I get that, I’m a mother too B’H and have gone through many sleepless nights worrying about my children’s shidduchim. But PLEASE! Stop blaming the shadchanim! They are working overtime (and even on Shabbos) looking out for all of us. They are not G-D and cannot create custom people for everyone. They are working with what they have and cannot majically find someone for everyone. There are way too many people who need shidduchim than the ratio of shadchanim so cannot help everyone. They work hard and give so much of their time helping others.… Read more »
Who does one go to for a young divorcee with young children?
Please advise?
They are also our children:(
Still waiting age 35….
suggestion: parents should let their son/daughter let them be themselves. A lot of problems comes from a parent whom it feels like “SHE’S ” the one getting married when it’s her son or daughter. Let your son or daughter be themselves. They are not you! You got married, let them!
Thank you for writing and sharing so many resources with us. Keep these articles coming. This is a parsha so many are frustrated and in the dark with. The more knowledge the more power. Thank you for writing this with so much sensitivity and care.
We received profiles that contained lies so – not a fan of profiles. In fact I would say making judgements from profiles and photos are part of the problem. Strongly agree that if your child, especially a girl, is getting older and nothing is progressing they should join one of the Jewish dating sites and let them try to find their own (including seriously considering non Chabad). Our child (raised Chabad and went through the system) after no results with Chabad Shadchanim, married a non Chabad after meeting on a dating site, BH they’re happy with BH beautiful children. And… Read more »
I though friends would be more helpful then profiles. They are “suppose to ” know you and get more bottom line then the shatchanim. Turns out, still single over 30 because all I got was hints and “in the air” suggestions but not an actual person. Here I go to profiles, at least its live people.
Sara Esther Crispe is an incredible dating coach and world-renown speaker and educator. She really gets people…the “whole” person and not just his/her names or external manifestations. She has training/background in mental health and has no patience for the narishkeit of the “system”
Her contact is: [email protected].
“Years are passing by and you’re still in the Parsha of Shidduchim for your child. The pain is gut-wrenching, days turn to months, turn to years and the anxiety keeps rising. In addition to the endless tefillos, what more can be done?” What might happen if we actually stopped emphasizing and obsessing over shidduchim. What if we celebrated our children, regardless of their ages, for who they are and what they’ve accomplished in life thus far. How much mental health complexities could we avoid if we didn’t refer to being in “the parsha” as “painful” or “gut-wrenching”? How much better would the… Read more »
Yes to everything!!!!!!!!
singles are constantly made to feel they are not good enough and every flaw is the reason they are not married. there are plenty of married people with the same flaws
we are not looking to get our PARENTS a son/daughter in law as quickly as possible – we are looking for LONG TERM partners for OURSELVES!
So many important points to ponder on. It’s easier to give up, the battle is real but we can only do our best with all our might using every ave. And HaShem will do the rest
I would highly encourage people to go to a marriage therapist over a Shidduch coach. They can see the bigger picture and have the schooling and actual experience dealing with couples. It helped me marry at 30 and it also helped me be able to walk away from someone. This is the best tip I received when I was single.
Want to add that my sons went to a (certain) shidduch coach –
They were told everything that is wrong with them and that they are doing everything wrong.
This caused only damage.
If you’re thinking of working with a coach, please work with someone who will empower and encourage.
Thank you for this article and for the great coaches out there.
There are too many singles and only so much that can be done. We need productive events and programs for these singles to meet eachother
Am agreeing with the person who wrote about where to turn for divorced young beautiful child:( Anyone helping in this direction please post info.
May all working on this see tremendous hatzlocha!
thank you for listing all of these resources in one place!
Most shadchanim are volunteers.
I think we need to revamp the system and have them paid like an office job. No one works for free. We have so many older singles.
We have fundraisers for infertility, shuls and schools.
How about paying shadchanim?
Come into a shidduch office, brainstorm, meet people. We’d have more shadchanim and more time go to this.