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6 Key Pointers from a Shadchan

From the COLlive inbox: A Chabad shadchan shares 6 "notes" that can help young people in shidduchim and possibly their parents. Full Story

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To all Shaddchanim
October 24, 2017 11:56 am

I would like to suggest that the shaddchan should say at the very beginning of the conversation/suggestion how much
they charge or what their fee is.

Agree with some
October 23, 2017 8:42 pm

While its all from Hashem, in my experience, whenever we paid a shadchan, we never heard from them after that no matter how many emails were sent or phone calls were made.
Iyh when I do get engaged, I’d like to send money to those shadchanim who put in the effort without asking for a disappearing fee.

As for the therapy before marriage I couldn’t agree more. It would be nice though if there could be easily accessible therapy making it more common and less embarrassing to find a proper therapist

to #19
October 23, 2017 7:41 am

I would like to suggest that anyone who is in shidduchim for the first time, research the issue before going to a shadchan. There are books and articles written and anyone with married children can enlighten the newbie. As parents, we all view our children as beautiful, desirable, talented, capable, smart, etc. We all want the best for our children so people who are looking for a shidduch feel that it is on their shoulders to put their child in the best circumstance possible. We have to be ready for the possibility, however, that a shadchan does not see our… Read more »

To #13
October 22, 2017 10:17 pm

There is a new WhatsApp shidduch group just for 25 and up
It is run by Fayge Herzog (Gordon)
+1 (818) 401-3620.

October 22, 2017 9:46 pm

Before my son’s resume went out, the shadchan told him to clean up his facebook. He wasn’t the same person at 23 in terms of Chassidishkeit, maturity and accomplishments, as he was at 18 where his teenage, wild days pictures were. It makes a difference who you are now on facebook, because that is the first place a single will look up when a parent gives them a perspective name.

To 39
October 22, 2017 8:48 pm

Singles events are a good way to meet people
38 is right
There is a difference between meeting people and focusing on finding and settling down

To #32
October 22, 2017 7:33 pm

100%,people think they can mess themselves up from the internet and they’ll get over it or it will pass, not true, its something which gets stuck on you like a disease and unless you work on yourself to be pure minded and fresh emotionally you’ll have to work on yourself very much!!

To #38
October 22, 2017 5:29 pm

Many people are still single because Shidduchim didn’t work for them. Had people not been harassing them for pointless dates they would of been married by now. Maybe this community needs to get their head of the sand and live in the 21st century. Have single events, Friday night meals….Maybe then people will actually get married.

The only "experienced" Single is the married one
October 22, 2017 3:54 pm

I once found a blog that was all about how experienced the person was surfing the shidduch scene, she had a date with this person and that person. I discovered the blog 8 years ago before I got married and 8 years later the author is still single… Let’s be honest if you are over a certain age and still single and have dated so many guys or girls you’ve lost count, it’s time to take Rabbi Shea Hechts advice from one of the the previous N’shei Chabad publications and review all the ones you’ve said no to. it’s not… Read more »

Pay the shaddchan?
October 22, 2017 12:30 pm

Yes i paid.But after calling and she’d ask who i was and i realized this is useless.Laughable.Then I realized they pick people form the sites i could see myself-so yeah I paid 1000 for the “shidduch”she did so little with But I did it for tzedaka but please lets not delude ourselves.

October 22, 2017 10:54 am

A shachdan has to be responsive , Available, answering to people’s calls
Many shachdanim don’t respond.
I don’t k is if they realize how their reputation as a shachdan goes down

To number 14
October 22, 2017 10:47 am

I agree with you I’m a 22 yr old going on 23. there Are however some not alot unfortinetly, great shadchanim out there.we just havto daven that Hashem should send us all a shiduch no mattter how. with a shadchen or not.

Agree with all except for #4
October 22, 2017 10:06 am

Yes, I am ANOTHER single. I vehemently agree with every single point on this list, minus the pre-paying aspect. If I had to do that, I would either A- be broke (I’ve gotten MANY suggestions) or B- have given up using shadchanim ages ago and left it all up to chance.

Many of us (or parents, if they are involved) can’t afford to pay just to let people know that you are available! I regularly send gifts and/or notes of appreciation, but cash is prohibitive.

Why anonymous?
October 22, 2017 10:02 am

It’s a great article. But why don’t you sign your name to it?


agree with #10
October 22, 2017 8:43 am

not only clean up your facebook, but yourself as well. Think what kind of home and children you want to have and what you need to be to have that. Then work on yourself to get there.

#4-pay the shadchan
October 22, 2017 7:48 am

I view the shadchan as an agent. Just like a real estate agent doesn’t get paid her commissions until the house is bought/ I don’t think a shadchan should get her payment until the plate is broken. I think the shadchanim are getting huge payments for every girl and boy they suggest and therefore they have no personal interest in actually making a shiduch

more suggestions
October 22, 2017 7:48 am

1) Therapy is a great idea and can help also in areas where the parents and their single child or children are not on the same page and the parents are seeking a different type of person than is suited for their child. 2) People who are new to shidduchim such as BTs whose first child is in shidduchim, need to acquaint themselves with how the process works. 3)Not only do profiles need to look professional but they need to be updated every 6 months because something usually changes and sometimes the references are of people that has not seen… Read more »

most shaddchanim
October 22, 2017 7:42 am

I think most shaddchanim are hard-working and doing their best, with their own approaches. It is such a difficult job, and becoming more and more challenging every year as our expectations and attitudes change, and we become more of a global community. sometimes shaddchanim don’t answer, don’t even acknowledge your call or email, but I think they are not mean or uncaring, just overwhelmed. If they realize that they have nothing for you or your particular situation, but they have 300 other people waiting on them who they CAN help, they may just not bother to answer. It is not… Read more »

October 22, 2017 5:34 am

When calling for information about shidduch prospect, don’t be so secretive if you expect the other person to give you honest answers.
What a surprise, the author’s name is.., Shadchan! Should have signed of: UNKNOWN NUMBER

I agree
October 22, 2017 1:45 am

It takeh would be helpful if the editors ( the shadchanim who wrote) of good tips and solutions would pen their name
Please can Shadchanit that have good tips on helping the singles, put their name and email and phone numbers
We need to have recommended names and access to the real
Dedicated Shadchanit out there
Please can people now about up here their recommended SHADCHANIM WITH EMAIL ATTACHED

# 14
October 22, 2017 1:18 am

Unfortunately is the reality

תחשוב טוב יהיה טוב
October 22, 2017 12:23 am

לא לדאוג, השם מנהיג את העולם שהזמן הנכון מגיע
אז מוצאים את השידוך הנכון. ישועת השם כהרף עין.
אז שיהיה בשעה טובה ובמזל טוב, בנין עדי עד.
כן ירבו שמחות . ב ישראל.
לא לשכוח להזמי ן אותי לחתונה.

October 22, 2017 12:20 am

Nope.Not bittet at all.It was very deliberate on her part.And this considered herself a professional?Not an ounce of profesionalism.We found so much better.It’s a shame she’s still in practice.I dont say there aren’t good people out there but this one is one who should take herself off.A very grandiose,narcissitic lady. Just a fact.

October 22, 2017 12:05 am

everyone needs to become a shadchan and help single friends they know

To #19
October 21, 2017 11:58 pm

Did you ever think that shadchanim have a life also? It’s very hard to always be there for everyone. You are not the only person calling miss Shadchan for help. There are hundreds others. They don’t always have the time to get back to everyone. You sound bitter. I think you should reevaluate.

To #14
October 21, 2017 11:49 pm

You sound hurt and burnt but please don’t take it out on the shadchanim. Most of them (even the ones that like $) are very hard working. It’s not possible for them to help everyone. There are thousands of singles looking to get married. So just because nobody was able to help you YET, doesn’t mean they don’t care or work hard. Most shadchanim are busy day and night helping others. They deserve to be thanked and applauded, praised and paid!! Did you ever think how much money they make? Most shadchanim only end up making a few shidduchim a… Read more »

contact info
October 21, 2017 11:40 pm

can you please post who are the good shaddchans who posted their comments and who wrote this fine article.
Thank you

I agree with 14
October 21, 2017 11:28 pm

There was one shadd.who just blew us off and ghosted us for reasons idk.It was our 1st time and new so she had no patience.I won’t ever forgive or forget -not because she’s that important but just because it hurt my child.People like her should never be in the field.

Fantastic article
October 21, 2017 11:26 pm

These are such great points!! Thank you for writing this, I’m in shidduchim now and I find these points to be so brilliant, on point and extremely helpful – I will be incorporating these tips into my dealings with shidduchim and shadchanim

Paying the shadchan for effort can go a long way
October 21, 2017 11:24 pm

I always pay for the shadchans time and effort when she sends profiles and arranges meetings for my child. She doesnt ask butbut im happy to do and we get results e.g. call backs etc. Instead of complaining about their lack of effort maybe empathy and opening your pocktbooks will help esp and always bring a donatiom for the inital meeting even if they dont ask OFFER

Yesh Tikva!
October 21, 2017 11:03 pm

The shadchan who wrote this great article, and the shadchanim or shadchaniyos who commented sound like the type of people I would trust to help my children find their zivugim.

October 21, 2017 11:00 pm

there are the good and the bad for sure But I personally know some very dedicated good Shadchanit that really care. I am so sorry you had some bad run ins and that’s why you are disqualifying all Shadchanim. You need to network… talk and talk and talk to people that know. Keep asking who’s good to deal with. But Shadchanit are REALLY HASHEMS MESSENGERS. Honestly Hashem uses the shadchan to get people together. They are the vessels the means to get people to meet their bashert! Hashem needs to donit through someone. So a shadchan is really privileged to… Read more »

experienced single
October 21, 2017 10:37 pm

lies. as someone who has been in shidduchim personally for many years unfortunately, i know that most of this is not true. shadchanim do not care about the boys/girls. they do not spend hours on the phone, and they take nothing to heart. they are in it for the money and they monopolize the bussines. take my advice! skip these crooked people, and find your own bashert. hashem makes the shidduch, and he will help you whether or not you pay the shadchan thousands of dollars for nothing.

Shadchan for older singles
October 21, 2017 10:25 pm

Is there any shadchan you recommend for older singles ( 28-32) ?

Yes please look at the individual and not base your decision solely on the family
October 21, 2017 10:00 pm

If that had been the case I would not be with my husband! He doesn’t not come from a typical family, yet he worked so so hard on Himself to become the amazing person he is.

To #2 I totally disagree!!
October 21, 2017 9:55 pm

Family and friends do say something about the person, and it does make a difference in the life they will live, so being around the farther in law mother in law, I turned down a lot of shidduchim because of the family, either the parents or bt or some other reason

Thank you for your compliments
October 21, 2017 9:40 pm

I would like to also add one more important factor that really does make a difference Please clean up your Facebook Please erase anything that is there or keep your Facebook private for yourself only not public Too many times I heard people (moms) and singles say “I saw his Facebook and boy! I wouldn’t go there if you paid me to go out with them! Such junk and silliness in there!” Please people out there! Google your own name and see what comes up when you google your name And Clean it up if it doesn’t represent you in… Read more »

Typo in article
October 21, 2017 9:17 pm

In number 6, *there..

About payment
October 21, 2017 7:10 pm

If I recall correctly Reb Levi Yitzchak of Barditchev or some other Tzaddik would pay anyone that suggested a Shidduch for his children

Wonderful, practical advice
October 21, 2017 6:43 pm

I wish this shaddchan (and the others who commented) would put down their names, because these sound like solid, caring, honest and chassidish shaddchanim who would be a pleasure to work with! Many of us know and appreciate the hours that go into shaddchanis (often with no payment, and sometimes with neurotic or angry parental responses!).
Thank you for continuing in this most holy work! May all who are seeking find their bashert, smoothly and easily.

Yi ch ud
October 21, 2017 6:25 pm

Familiarize yourself with the laws of yichud before dating.

October 21, 2017 4:05 pm

Very well written with clear thought out points may col keep posting good articles unlike some weve had in the pst

Well written!
October 21, 2017 11:31 am

May all find their bashert speedily.
You seem to have your head on straight. Nice that the article was written with positive ideas vs. all the “reasons” why singles are still single.

speaking from experience
October 21, 2017 6:42 am

Really important points. thank you for publishing. The saddest part of this shidduch saga is watching singles who won’t get out of their own way. Know that there are things you can do to help yourself. I understand that it is a difficult and often demeaning time in life, but it is important to be happy and busy so it doesn’t bring you down. I would add to this excellent list to clean up or even erase your digital footprint. I have seen too many people refuse to meet someone because they don’t like what they’ve seen online.

Shadchan replies
October 21, 2017 5:09 am

Best article ever yet! Please can I have the liberty to add my comments here as a veteran shadchan of many years 1. Please moms, can you try and look at the individual suggested for your child, as a seperate entity to their family and friends? Sure family and upbringing is important but there are so many potential great kids out there that are being judged solely by their family and friends and not being given a chance to present themselves for their own self worth. Please open your minds and hearts to reconsider the next time somebody suggests something… Read more »

Experienced Shadchan responds:
October 21, 2017 4:59 am

Excellently written. Every word is 100% correct I would like to add my two cents if I may I have been doing shidduchim for over 30 years now Let me add some more tips and hints 1. Please, when sending a photo along with your profile, spend a few dollars and get a professional photo taken that can represent you the best way possible Unfortunately 50%. Of the time I have heard people say, ” nah! The picture doesn’t speak to me” or ” not my type” or ” I don’t feel anything, by their photo”! Omg! In my days… Read more »