By a shadchan
I’m writing this primarily because of the rise of the number of singles who are looking for shidduchim for themselves, meaning that they, and not their parents, are in direct contact with shadchanim, many of these are older singles, or baalei tshuva, or even younger singles who prefer this route.
I hope to share some “notes” that can help these young people. However, from my experience, many parents can benefit from this too.
1-HASHEM IS THE ONE WHO MAKES SHIDDUCHIM
Daven with proper kavana, say daily tehillim, go to the ohel, volunteer and donate to hachnosas kalla, give extra tzedaka, learn extra, this should be the MAIN focus when seeking a shidduch
2-THE SHADCHAN IS HASHEM’S MESSENGER: STAY IN THEIR RADAR SCREEN:
One never knows from where, and when, a shidduch will come, sometimes a shadchan will send a profile to a single, and they may be off, DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, the shadchan is not forcing you to meet the person, it is simply a suggestion, many singles, or their parents, react to a suggestion that they consider to be “off target” by ignoring the email or not answering the phone call, besides that it is not mentchlach, it is not “shidduch-wise.”
I, and I know other shadchanim, have made shidduchim for singles that remained in touch, even when a suggestion was not what they were looking for, sometimes it can take a year, or more, for the right name to come up, but when you stay in the shadchan’s radar screen, by being responsive, you are being a mentch and you are doing your hishtadlus.
Every shadchan has received the answer “It’s not shayach”. Again, no one is forcing anyone to meet eachother, but by being specific YOU are the one who benefits. So many shidduchim happen, because a single will say or write something like: “Thank you so much for sending this profile. I don’t think this person is the right one for me. I am specifically looking for someone who:……” Many times the shadchan will read such a message, and think: “well in that case, I happen to know someone who…” and a shidduch can result.
There is a reason it says that making shidduchim is like the splitting of the sea, and life is a lot more complicated than it used to be, it’s a lot harder to align the lives of today’s independent singles, however there are some singles who need a little extra help, be it overcoming a fear of commitment, or requiring some help in social skills, it might be finally dealing with a childhood trauma, whatever, GET THE HELP BEFORE MARRIAGE, some singles keep getting “stuck”, and it has nothing to do with a lack of appropriate matches, there are many happily married individuals out there, whose lives were changed by seeing a therapist before they started dating, and while they were dating, so that they were able to develop a clear understanding of who they were, and what was best for them. There are some singles who keep seeing know to prospective matches that are actually very apropo for them, only the single does not have a realistic picture of who they themselves really are. Of course EVERYONE should be consulting with a mashpia during this very important time in life
5-PAY THE SHADCHAN:
This might be strange for a shadchan to write, but it’s important, as it is possible that some singles who are looking out for their own shidduch may not be aware of its importance. A shadchan can spend hours a day making phone calls, doing research, writing emails, of course many of those hours do not result in shidduchim, however, if not for those many hours invested, your own shidduch would probably not come about. Additionally, the halacha/minhag is to pay the shadchan, but stop a moment to recognize the hours that shadchanim invest, into what is very often a very difficult job, there are some singles/parents who will even send a small amount to a shadchan who worked on a shidduch that did not lead to an engagement, this is a beautiful example of hishtadlus. I also know of some singles or their parents who prepare an envelope for the shadchan, as a show of Emuna for a shidduch waiting to happen.
6- BE OPEN MINDED:
Rhere are thousands of individuals out there who are happily married to a person, who is a bit older, a bit younger, a bit shorter, a bit taller, a bit more educated, a bit less educated, than what they thought they needed, be open minded, remember Hashem makes shidduchim, maybe He has something better in store for you than the checklist you keep holding on to. I also want to use this space to comment about pictures in profiles, yes this is the new norm, however there is more to attraction than the facial profile. There are BH many happily married couples out there where one spouse was initially hesitant about the looks of the other, they were smart enough to continue dating. Attraction can begin with respect for a person’s character, an intrigue for their wit etc. Attraction is important, but attraction does not begin and end with looks.
There is so much more to write, and my intention was not to create a comprehensive list but to start a conversation. May Hashem bentch all those who need shidduchim with their proper zivug bekarov mamash!