Just about everyone, both men and women, has heard marriage complaints from someone. A family member, friend, neighbor, co-worker, student, someone who goes to same shul as you. What they talk about runs the gamut of regular marriage woes. They’re not feeling appreciated, or they want more help with the kids, or there was a huge fight about how to spend their summer. Communication issues, difference in tastes or perspectives, personal irritating habits, jobs, in laws, other family members – just about anything.
When someone approaches you as a confidante and shares about trouble in their marriage (something less complex than the big 3 As – Abuse, Addiction, Affair), what is your role?
Should you give advice? (Only in the rarest situations. And then there are some very particular ways to do it.) Share Torah’s perspective on marriage? Let them vent? Share your own experiences? Listen? Empathize? List the positive attributes of the other? Side with them? Speak to the other spouse? Tell them what you really feel? Point out their contributions to the problem? Reassure them that everything will be ok? Talk about forgiveness and moving on? Help them see the other person’s perspective?
Helping someone work through marriage issues is a huge responsibility. The number one rule in medicine “Do No Harm” is definitely apropos here. You certainly do not want to make a difficult situation even more complex. The questions you ask, the perspectives you share, the words you use; these all matter – are you helping or are you chas v’shalom making things even worse?
Rabbi Shais Taub will share some Dos and Don’ts from his experiences as a rabbi and relationship expert.
Mrs. Devora Krasnianski, organizer of the event, explains the objective of this talk. “All too often, people have the best intentions when trying to help, but they actually aren’t that helpful, and sometimes their advice was simply detrimental. Rabbi Taub will share some things to consider and do when acting in the role of confidante. These can make all the difference to your friend’s marriage and your friendship. ”
This Tuesday, May 23 8:15 prompt at 935 Eastern Parkway, lower level. This event is for men and women, with separate seating.
…often need more than an invitation. There are some who don’t see that they are deficient on this topic! I don’t know the answer, other than making some kind of certification/hechsher for mashpiim who specifically work with couples on shalom bayis. One cannot earn that “hechsher” without WILLINGLY participating in this kind of workshop/training. Even this kind of system would not be perfect, since nepotism and privilege-due-to-yichus carry a lot of weight in this community. Maybe the only answer is for couples to be wiser “consumers.” Let’s educate couples to become discerning about when they are getting appropriate advice, or… Read more »
I am an addict and need to know how to help my marriage under these circumstances as many people understand the pain is difficult to deal with for my wife esspecially.
Is this specifically not for people who are dealing with addiction in their marriages?
We did arrange for a workshop for Rabbonim, Rebbetzins, mashpiim, mashpios, kallah and chassan teachers. That one was dedicated specifically about Domestic Abuse. For anyone in that role who would like the recording and related resources, pleaes email [email protected]
This workshop with Rabbi Taub will be helpful for anyone to whom people confide about any marriage issues – from friends and family through spiritual leaders. Which is just about anyone, really. This is an important topic relevant to everyone.
Could you please organize a link for those of us that cannot attend to watch/listen online? Please post link.
do not wait to go for help for many years- ĥelp is out there-just find out and best is to go together so that both sides of the story can be heard-this is not the shtetl where older people advised that he will be better-he will change etc.These things dont happen by themselves AND MEANWHILE THE CHILDREN ARE SUFFERING EVEN IF YOU DONT REALIZE(Or the children to come and if they see spousal abuse this leads to abuse among the children-be realistic and do not go for help-run-run-run
The main people that must hear this lecture are the Rabonim AND people in community that are officially working with couples. Without even realizing it is easy to mislead and drain already exhausted people. Please do make sure they do. May be send it to them in a printed form as a respectful request from people.
One would think this is not necessary, but r”l it is! They don’t teach this in semichah programs. They don’t teach it at seminary. There are a lot of well-meaning (I hope!) rabbis and mashpiim who are doing far more harm than good, by using the “one size fits all” approach: that is, giving advice appropriate for healthy normal marriages going through a rough patch (good!) to couples where one or more of the “Three A’s” are going on. For example, when you tell an abused wife to be bitul to her husband and, say, give her paycheck to her… Read more »
will this be broadcast online? Would love to hear but I am not in NY.