by a concerned mechanech
The shidduch crisis is something that is on many people’s minds and often discussed here on COLlive.com. But I would like to shine the spotlight on another, equally distressing problem, that is the direct result of the shidduch crisis.
Let’s call it the interim years crisis. This problem unfortunately takes a tremendous toll on our young single adults and their spiritual well-being.
The interim years are those between graduation from Yeshiva or seminary and getting married to build a Jewish home. The gap between these 2 stages in life has grown immensely in recent years and shows no signs of narrowing.
Living in an ‘intervening period’, even while still going out on shidduchim and wanting to get married, leaves our singles in a constant state of instability – no matter how organized their daily routine may be.
The ones who are paying a heavier price for this are the single girls over the single boys.
With boys who concluded the Yeshiva system and are now in the workplace or on Shlichus, there’s still a religious and social environment they take part in. Namely, they have daily minyan, shul and Kiddush on Shabbos day, options of class shiurim to attend and even farbrengens.
A post-seminary girl does not have any of that available.
For the most part, the girls live on their own, especially those whose families live out-of-town. They rent an apartment or basement, go to work in a secular environment, and return home at night with little or no social life.
They are in isolation, lost in a huge community. They generally need to cook for themselves, and find invitations for Shabbos meals. They basically sit and wait for a shidduch to happen and in the meantime, build themselves a ‘life’ and are easily influenced by their immediate social circle. Booking a show on Broadway is easier than organizing a shiur in a basement.
“Get them married!” some people will say. My answer to that is that they aren’t married because of the lack of trying. Singles and their parents spend long hours trying to make things work and hope for the best.
The names of singles that come to mind who show no interest in getting married and seem to be enjoying their uncommitted states, just proves my point about the repercussions of the “interim years.”
Indeed, this void in the young adulthood of Chabad girls (and boys) needs to be filled in the most urgent way. What can be done to remedy the “interim years crisis?”
Rabbi Dahan has told us over and over again that between the seminary graduation and the day we get married, we must be living at home. We can work in the moisdos or study further, but it should be done from home. Going to work for shluchim in questionable environments usually would confuse us rather than inspire us, as we will be exposed to standards that are opposing what we have learned and what we grew up with.
To add to this article.. in jewdiasm there really isnt a place for single working girls and as u get older you just feel more lost bec.ur in a huge community with thousands of family s and you loose your sense of belonging bec its so family oriented.I remember dreading yomim tovim bec tht meant walking the streets alone going and coming to shul alone.yes occasionally u go with friends or meet up with friends but many times ur walking alone in a very very family oriented community.ppl dont even realize what ww singles haveto pit up with.you have the… Read more »
Im sorry that you had that experience, I keep reminding myself when times get challenging, living here 25yrs now with my own large family but neither myself or my husband having any family locally to help, that we came here for the Rebbe NOT for the people of the community! I never asked or was expecting ANY help from neighbors , casual friends etc so by keeping my expectations low I was never disappointed.
Love the dialogue that this op-ed has begun…. Let’s all pledge to solve this crisis by opening up our meals to singles – both boys & girls. Let them start meeting at shabbos tables & this issue will begin to resolve itself! Years ago this was the norm! Most of my friends got married to people they met…siblings of friends & friends of siblings. Or those that they met introduced them to someone else! We have made it so difficult for todays generation to have the ability to come across their bashert! It doesn’t have to always be “arranged” by… Read more »
I think appreciating the shadchanim along with taking suggestions seriously e.g. checking references, trusting the person giving the recommendation etc rather than just dismissing due to GENERAL information about the candidate is another remedy.
The best part of COL is the comment section
The crisis you describe is real, and we need to create a warm, chassidishe structure for our singles in crown heights. We can certainly all think a bit more often about which out of Towner’s we know who are likely to need invitations. At the same time, to the out of town singles themselves: when we say come any shabbos, we mean it. Just this week, I invited multiple girls, and it didn’t work out for most of them to come for whatever reason, and said they would love to come another time. This happens often. People don’t have ruach… Read more »
Negativity begets negativity. My friends lighten up and realize that Hashem is the boss! You can have more bitachon and believe that it will happen at the right time. I see so many singles narrowing their outlook for a suitable match where as they should be more open and flexible.
sorry to disappoint you, but I am not a BT.
You go ask for an invite. See how it feels. And try doing it week in week out. Why do crown heights locals say “come for any shabbos”.? Inviting for a specific meal is so much nicer. Moody ppl won’t bother calling if they’ve been told “let me know when you want to come for shabbos”
“A Girl From Out of Town” is NOT synonymous with “Able to Live At Home Post-System”. A girl may not be willing nor able to be at home once out of school during this interim stage for different reasons, mainly: A. If she is from out of town, chances are she is a shlucha who has been away for 5/6 years or MORE for her schooling. If she chooses to not go back home after having been away for so much time, clearly there is a reason. This may be the hardships in going back after having gotten used to… Read more »
COULD WE PLEASE START USING ORENCOURAGING THE USE OF DATING COACHES FOR EACH SINGLE GIRL? I GUARANTEE 70 PERCENT OR MORE SUCCESS RATE IN FINDING THEIR BASHERTS, WHEN THE BOYS START USING ONE TOO, WE WILL NOT HAVE A CRISIS,
The real issue isn’t was had been discussed until now. Primarily based on the premise of all those Minds that think in the direction of Destiny cannot fathom the ways that are built into the system by the tedious work that is being done by the people for the time which is appropriate and it’s setting.
Yes, There is a crisis! I bet in the History of Shidduchim there has never been a situation to all of Klal Yisroel where there are hundreds of singles girls past age 25. Every person I meet can name at least 10. I grew up in the 1960-1970’s…went to B.R. we came of age to marry in early 1980’s. Everyone in my grade was married by age 19-23. We were not witness to what’s happening now. Yes, I know that was a different era and Lubavitch has grown by leaps and bounds…but the reality is that there is a Large… Read more »
just to add that some of this frustrated singles got so fed up that some of them married out of the faith and this applies also to other chassidic groups as well !!!
This is not an entirely new problem, apparently. The Gemara Pesachim 113A comments that if someone is unmarried and still holds on and remains religiously observant, Hashem praises that person each and every day. (From Living Emunah 2 by Rabbi David Ashear — not Chassidus, but the book can be helpful to those working on their emunah.) Many people commenting above have made great suggestions, and you have inspired me to continue trying to help singles with shidduchim and in other ways. As for Shabbos: back in the day, I was from out of town and had no choice but… Read more »
While some people are blessed with a shorter interim period than others, I would advise any woman to take advantage of this time to save money, find vocational training, do serious learning — anything to enhance her marketability and put herself in a marriage frame of mind. Too many women get distracted by the delights of Manhattan as well as the freedom of single life to enjoy themselves and forget what is important in life. I am not saying they should not have any fun at all, but unless they learn to take life seriously, and prepare for it, they… Read more »
is it really so beyond the comfort zone to ask for an invite. The worst case scenario is that they’ll say no. Is that so hard to hear?
Well said! something like this has been long deserved to be spoken about.
Why not in 770? just like for men and boys it is the most uplifting place to learn and daven, Surely the same applies for woman and girls!
It should be normal for a young woman/girl to make a chavrusah in 770 to learn tanya or halachos hatzrichos.
How indicative
With today’s tech, we need a Shabbos invite App where families who would love to host can connect with singles
definitely not easy – What could anyone advise?
Your incendiary, inflammatory, and derisive remark are clearly an indication of someone victimized by alternative circumstances Who seeks to assign responsibility for his/her vicissitudes to the malfeasance of nonexistent systemic demons. Perhaps instead of cultural appropriation you could attempt to understand the benign idiosyncrasies of a growing demographic. Encouraging nuance does not necessitate deviation from cultural norms; claims against the system aside, even minute quantities of tact and dedication suffice to Cultivate a healthy niche within the system. Those seeking expression are free to find it, and it is a shame that you seek to denigrate an article seeking a… Read more »
The problem for these older singles is not lack of shiurim or shlichus work. the problem is these singles, and especially the girls, become somewhat depressed, discouraged and lose hope. A shiur is great, saying tehillim is important and necessary, but that is not going to solve what the author is talking about. some girls could go back home to their families but not all can: it depends where their families live and what the girls could do there. sitting at home doing nothing certainly wont help. But for families to become much more caring and make time to sort… Read more »
Ah, yet another self-righteous comment from the enlightened who speak in generously worded generalities
Major issue for boys and a time many bochurim fall spiritually. Even if they are in 770 many sleep in, waste lots of time and lack a proper environment. It’s time for a proper Yeshiva outside Crown Heights for bochurim to learn until they marry. Maybe Westchester?
There are wonderful classes for girls after seminary in 770. Most are in the morning but there are some evening classes as well. Rabbi paltiel gives a wonderful class. I also find girls to learn with in 770 at night as do others. A few people can get together and learn together as other girls do. On shabbat there is a class as well. Manis friedman and others give classes in the library.i always found places for shabbos. There are so many lovely families who want guests for shabbos. I agree staying alone in a basement for shabbos and yom… Read more »
“go to work in a secular environment, and return home at night with little or no social life”
Firstly a majority of the singles I know are working in Jewish places.
Secondly, when I was single, ALL of my friends were here too! I had a great social life. Living with friends, meeting up with friends, etc. Complete opposite. I would have had no social life had I not been in CH!
In those years I grew up so much, I changed. From 19-23 (when I got married) I changed for the better. Not that I became more chassidish, but I became more true to myself, figured out who I want to be, etc. If I had gotten married during that time, I don’t think I would have been happy. And now at 26 years old I can’t imagine having 3 kids, which would have easily happened had I got married at 20. I am thankful Hashem sent me my zivug after I had some time on my own as an independent.
If they live in a shlichus community then they should definitely stay home and participate in the work
Very often our children may feel ready for marriage from much earlier on – i.e. age 18 etc. and although many true efforts are made, they are still unmarried at a much later age. Many of these young singles keep very busy with work, study, volunteer work and shlichus projects, (while still seriously searching and dating) but struggle so much with the difficulty of not being in any true relationship. In speaking to those that are for example in their early 30’s or even younger, they express how on the one hand they want to be so careful as far… Read more »
lol 🙂
Well said #9. Though there are those who do want to be part of that mold even though many seek individual expression.
I was a single girl in CH and I wrnt through the no where to go for shabbos for quite a while. I had to beg for meals or I mostly ate in my basement either alone or with a friend. But then I met a family who invited me once for a shabbos meal and then never failed to invite me every single shabbos after that. Literally this family called me up every single week. She always made it sound like it wold be such a joy if I would join her once again this week and the kids… Read more »
Who wan to learn and who want a community during the ‘interim period’ All programs are in CH Join Whatsapp group “Fun in the Shchuna” Living Chassidus Bat Sheva Learning Center Levi Yitzchok Library Junior N’shei Chabad There are places for girls to join so they don’t get lost in the interim period. Facebook them, Google them, ask around Not fair for girls to be left alone, but also there are plenty of programs for then to join. Also, ask them in regard to shabbos meal coordination , you may not need to eat by yourself any longer All programs… Read more »
Who remembers Nightlife? It was a wonderful program of nightly activities and shiurim for single girls and I met some great friends there. Someone should start it up again.
“like BTs”? It’s time to stop that. You are becoming the majority in CH. Its like a 50 year old still blaming his parents for being a loser in life. Stop and grow up and take responsibility
Batsheva learning center!! You say there’s no learning after sem, so come to batsheva learning center! They have classes all the time, you learn on your own, with chavrusas, with a teacher… And it’s all for post sem girls! It’s a great way to stay with the system even after the system is over. Highly recommend!
I moved to CH from overseas several years ago to find a shidduch. Despite having a few friends there and working on Kingston in what is arguably the most Chabad centric space given its name and role, I had very few invites for Shabbos. Whilst i appreciated immensely being included in those few family’s meals/family etc; most shabbosim i spent in my apartment, alone and without any sense of a real shabbos. Unless you are extremely well connected or are the kind of person who is comfortable asking for shabbos invites, this is the story for many. I went to… Read more »
The girls are struggling more mightily in this stage for all the reasons that the author mentioned. But they are also paying the price for a educational system that’s been very inept and I believe even worse for Lubabvitch girls.
……..first of all,I completely agree that girls should not feel that they MUST leave their homes and families and go live in basements and fend for themselves so they can maybe,maybe,get a date.
To who ever wrote this article I am happy to talk to these girls if there marageable age or if there stuck with out some fresh air my phone and email is open
Do you know that there are many bochurim who say no to a girl, because she doesn’t live in Crown Heights and the bochur is not willing to travel. Either because of financial reasons or because they don’t have the time. I personally agree with #5. It would be cheaper but not necessarily better. The author raises a valid point!
The problem is acute and includes couples waiting for shlichus. Too many good years get wasted waiting.
#2 There are many, many single frum working girls also living away from their out-of-town homes – in Flatbush and other large areas of frum communities in NYC. They share apartments too, whilst looking for and awaiting their basherts. There are many organised Shiurim and opportunities for Chessed available for them – I am sure that the CH community must have the ability to organise this too?
Hahaha! Your gr8!
A person who is not in this situation cannot make light of it. And even if #1 is, or has been, in this situation, you can only minimize your own feelings about any hardship, not anyone else’s, even if you think it is a similar trouble. This is hard, this is painful and it is real! Anyone who says there is no shidduch crisis, just doesn’t get it. For those who say out-of-town girls should live at home and it won’t make a difference, excuse me while I stop laughing. You have obviously never heard the conditions put on out-of-towers… Read more »
Invitations for Shabbos meals is really challenging. Girls hate calling – even relatives. Sometimes this results in a group (or two girls) doing Shabbos meals on their own.
Remedy – more communal interesting events for this social group. A Yagdil Torah for girls – with a kitchen and workshops. Interesting and educational. Great programs lately at LY library. More articles like yours reminding relatives to look out for these young adults and include them also on weekdays.
You’re right moshiach is here and nothings bad
yeh.. right… very practical…
easy for you to say…. i dont know where you come from or if you think the entire word revolves around ch and its neighboring shilchus…
but what about girls who come from south america, australia, south africa…
easy for you to say “just fly in”
thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of time later for a shidduch that didnt even work out doesnt sound fair. (not to mention the added emotional pressure and guilty aftermath)
its easier just to tough out the singles life in ch
maybe yamsuf.com …its free
Every day it seems there is another op-ed about the Shidduch Crisis (yes, it DOES exist.) This is another one & the writer makes some valid points. But where does a Mashpia come into it? Don’t these girls have a mentor, Mashpia, “foster mom” to help them? To encourage them, keep an eye out & to be in loco parentis? My husband & I do that for a young man we know – he is thousands of miles from home & we are not in Crown Heights. The author is right, they ARE lost in the community. The same thing… Read more »
We need a religious environment for our singles
It’s Time!!!!
The gross generalizations, misogynistic undertones, and sweeping judgments notwithstanding, this article is another example of imposed societal constructs aimed at maintaining a conformist society devoid of nuance or individual expression. This notion, that all Chabad singles must desperately tie the knot the moment they leave the sheltered protection of their educational institutions – else risk spiritual, social and emotional ruin – is unfounded and insulting. Though, I suppose it’s not your fault as you are a cog in the system that perpetuates these values.
You are wrong about the boys ( other than the few who sit in 770 until the day they get married) most of them have no secular knowledge and no clue how they will provide for themselves or future spouse or how to go through a regular day without the “system” and are left in a complete state of emptiness resulting in your above conclusions
I know of young bochurim who are a actually very serious about getting married as soon as Yeshiva is over for them even if it means dating while in Yeshiva. I also know that Rabbi Blau of chovevei Torah along with Rabbi Pierkarski (two extraordinary people) have created a startup semicha program in which the bochurim in later years of zal who commit to get married with as little time in between the system and the binyan adei ad learn the parts of semicha generally learnt after semicha… Anyways although it’s not necessary for singles to live in ch. Us… Read more »
If it wasn’t so late I would start ranting now. Saying there is no crises is like saying Moshiach is here and nothing is bad!
It would be a nice idea for everyone to remain home during the interim years. It would certainly be a cheaper and more convenient lifestyle. However, unlike in other Frum circles, many Chabad singles come from Shlichus communities
The author writes they have to find Shabbos meals. The sad fact is a large group eats alone in their basements more often than they go to families-not because they prefer it, believe me. This also hurts them in shidduchim since no one gets to know them. This is not a way to spend Shabbos and they really depend on others to model a chassidishe home for them-on Shabbos. Otherwise they forget what it looks like.
Ad mosai!!
The idea that all Chabad singles have to be in CH is absurd. No other frum group does this. Let the singles stay in the hometowns, live at home, have the benefit of the community, family, and friends, and when a potential shidduch arrises, the price of a plane ticket shouldn’t be too high. They can also come to Ch every few months. Most singles anyway don’t date for months on end. Having everyone doesn’t make it easier; on the contrary, and it inflates all the real estate prices in addition…
There is NO Crisis. Hakadosh Baruch Hu sends the bashert at the right time and place. There are many ways to have a positive outcome from the situation. First and formost is the magic word “Bitachon” second is” tzedaka” and third is “Tehillim. You do your part and Hashem does the rest.