Jan 11, 2017
My Message to Married Friends

A single Chabad girl, who helped many of her friends when they were getting married, says there's something they all seem to have forgotten.

By Z.G.

I am typical. I am 26 years old, and a normal chassidishe girl. I went to an out of town school, I went to seminary, and I have a close group of friends. I work as a secretary and I like to daven in 770 every shabbos morning. "A regular fine girl," as shadchanim would say.

But I am not yet married. I have bitachon that I will find my bashert, of course.

Most of my friends are already married baruch Hashem. They will agree right away that I'm a very good friend. Meaning, besides for the all the fun times we spent together over the years, school, camp, vacation, seminary memories, I have also been here to help my friends in every way possible as they got engaged one by one.

I helped organize so many kallah showers that I cant even count, collecting money for presents and spending hours choosing the perfect gifts from Bed Bath and Beyond. I helped my friends move into their first apartments, schlepping boxes and unpacking with them.

I made sure they had great shtick at the wedding and danced all night long to celebrate as each friend got married and started their binyan adei ad.

And then something funny happened. Yes, my friends try to keep in touch. Yes, they send me pictures of their adorable babies. And yes they complain to me how it's so hard juggling everything as a new wife and mother.

But the years have passed and there's one question they never ask me.

My friends somehow seem to have forgotten that I am still single.
Not one friend asks me how shidduchim is going for me. Not one friend has asked if they could help me with shidduchim. Not one friend has offered to call a reference or contact a shadchan on my behalf.

I know, we are all still friends, but they either forgot that I am still looking for my bashert or they don't want to talk about the elephant in the room.

I am here to tell you to please talk about the elephant in the room. I am more than positive that your friend will be so happy if you show concern and interest in helping her get married.

The only time of of my friends raised the topic of shidduchim was when she needed information about a certain girl that I happened to know from high school out of town. Her mother was looking into the girl for my friend's brother.
Other than that, zilch.

With this in mind, I just want to say to every married friend out there in the universe. Pick up the phone and call your single friends. I know you're busy but guess what? We were here when you needed us. Pick up the phone and ask your single friend how shidduchim are going. How can you help? What is she or he looking for? Is there someone who she would like you to find out about? Could you reach out to a few shadchanim for her?

This will make all the difference in the world.

Ignoring the situation and only talking just about your life is wrong. I am dating since I am 20 years old. It is hard. You are my friend. I was here for you every step. You are like a sister to me. I am a listening ear when you complain how your baby is throwing up and how your husband needs a new wardrobe. The least you can do is ask me how I am doing, how I am really doing. It's not enough to just say, "oy vey, so many singles. Oy vey, she's such a great girl."

Take five minutes every day and think of your friend and see how you can help her shidduch life.

Please don't be selfish. Call, text, whatsapp, facebook message. Ask your single friends how you can help them in this most important area of their lives right now. Finding their basherts. This is the biggest hakaros hatov.

Don't wait for ten or twenty years to go by to start davening for your friends.
What greater nachas to Hashem and the Rebbe can there be, that you care to help your single friends and do what you can to help marry them off. Right here and right now.



Most Read Most Comments


Opinions and Comments
1
A bracha to all singles to find their barshert very soon
Please let's keep this forum positive. Don't get defensive or critical. Take the authors words at face value and do what you can to help your single friends. Whether that means you can dedicate 5 hours a week or 5 minutes, every bit helps... you never know where it will come from
(1/11/2017 9:56:00 PM)
2
Aaron
BS"D Hatzlacha Raba
(1/11/2017 9:56:12 PM)
3
In total agreement
Having dealt with shiduchim since 1982 with the Rebbe's bra cha,I couldn't agree more with these words coming from a kind-hearted individual, always ready to help others and deserving reciprocal help in this most important matter. We all have to get involved, each in his own way, in helping singles get married.

Rabbi Yeheskel Lebovic, Likrat Shiduch Matchmaking Service
(1/11/2017 10:02:37 PM)
4
hi
might have a friend who single in his 29 how can I contact you
(1/11/2017 10:07:01 PM)
5
Give for giving
Just because your friend didn't say anything don't mean they are not trying.
In shidduchim there are many variables.
The other side has to be available, and want to.

But I think the must trubeling aspect of this article, is.
Only because you were there for your friends that's why they should be there for you ?

Additionaly, ' a shidduch cones from hashem.
I have had people that know me professionaly that set me up with awesome girls.

And lastly, it would be worse to be set up on dates all the time, that are not for you.

(1/11/2017 10:21:03 PM)
6
I agree 100℅
I was in the same boat as you, I got married at 26 and felt that many of my married friends forgot about me as soon as they got married. I thought that once I got married I would make shidduchim for all of my friends who were still single. But my husband didn't have any friends who were still single and I moved out of town so I didn't really meet any eligible bochurim to set up with my friends. But I did try to at least keep in touch with them and be supportive and make a few shidduch suggestions. We all need to do our part to help singles find their bashert- it's the biggest mitzvah we can do!
(1/11/2017 10:21:18 PM)
7
Excellent point - for you!
You make a very lucid and heartfelt presentation of your feelings. However, please recognize that they are YOUR feelings. There are other singles who have confided THEIR feelings that they DON'T want to constantly hear about shidduchim from their married friends, because to them it comes off as pitiful and condescending. So, without getting in to the whole spectrum of emotions that exist on the topic; the best therapeutic advice you can get is to share your individual and specific feelings directly with your friends. Establish the parameters of your friendship and what you would hope to get back out of it. This way, they will know how to interact with you. Your feelings do not frame the conversation in its entirety for all the singles out there, and therefore don't belong in an anonymous publicly shared op-ed.
Hatzlacha!!
(1/11/2017 10:27:20 PM)
8
A beautiful person you are
Thank you for writing so nicely and bringing this to people's attention in a sensitive way though you are obviously being challenged right now! You sound wonderful and may you celebrate your simcha iyh very very soon
(1/11/2017 10:35:14 PM)
9
Married Friends, WAKE UP!!
Yes you are married but this gives you the perfect opportunity to help your singles friends! Your husband knows single guys, and you know single girls! What better position for making shidduchim then when you each know one half, and especially since you both know about the same ages! Shadchanim aren't friends and dont know too much about young single guys or girls, they try their hardest though! But married young couples you each know , PLZ HELP MAKE SHIDDUCHIM!
(1/11/2017 10:54:02 PM)
10
@5 Slow Your Role
Your literary proficiency (or lack thereof), simplistic summation of the shidduch process, and self-aggrandizing condescending advice, indicate you yourself may need to mature before you are ready for your bashert. Just a thought...
(1/11/2017 10:57:09 PM)
11
fully with you!
A very good friend of mine told me, when i was suggesting shidduchim to others... "i hope the others think about you, as much as you think about them.".i was single then and suggesting but no one thought about me...yet i ended up doing it for the sake of heaven...not to long after my zivug showed up.
(1/11/2017 10:57:14 PM)
12
Agree
Thank you. Could not agree more! they are busy and it is understood, but I hear and understand your view! They ought to be more sensitive!
(1/11/2017 10:59:41 PM)
13
I am single too
I am single and just turned 30, and you know what I realized over the years? My married friends don't suddenly know dozens of single guys now that they're married. It's really not practical to expect this of them.
(1/11/2017 11:11:34 PM)
14
Aaron
BS"D # 10 You have to take care of your anger issues. May Hashem have Ruchmonis and help you
(1/11/2017 11:15:43 PM)
15
Aaron
BS"D Why can't a person bare their heart and Soul without getting beat up each time
(1/11/2017 11:17:09 PM)
16
On the mark
Number 9 - ur right on target along with the writer of this article! That took guts! In this merit may Hadhem in His benevolent kindness bentch u and all the other singles ASAP with their right zivuggim and let the Mazal Tovs take over all the websites! L'chaim v'livracha
(1/11/2017 11:19:10 PM)
17
Dear single friend
I think of you all the time. I suggest names for you and look into people constantly. I just suggested you for someone tonight!! I do it behind your back because I don't want you getting insulted.

On another note one thing I find difficult is inviting you.. I love having you over!! My kids love having you too! But i work hard trying to put guests together who will click and have a good time together. So when you tell me you are coming I invite other women and family for shabbos. But it's annoying.. I text you on Wednesday night or Thursday morning to invite you and you tell me you arent sure yet of your shabbos plans. You think it's ok to tell me Friday afternoon if you are coming because you are only one person and I don't need to make anything extra for you.. I suppose you don't realise that the entire shabbos and who else I invite depends on your answer...

Also, I call and text but you're the busy one! You call back 3 days later!! And Im supposedly the busy one with kids kah... then we make a date to go out and you are always late or cancelling last minute!
So yes dear frIend that's why you havent heard from me for quite a few weeks. I tried so hard but you were flaky and made it difficult. ; (
Ps even though I'm the "married busy one", you have my number and can call me too!

Side note.. why are married people always blamed for not calling single friends?? You can call us too!
(1/11/2017 11:22:43 PM)
18
To 13
Best comment yet!!
You are so practical!
Wish you signed your name
Sigh
(1/11/2017 11:27:59 PM)
19
@5 Easy Now
Your incessant

necessity to abuse

the enter key

is TRUBELING ME DEARLY!

On another note: (ok not really another note)

The amount of space you took up on this page to convey your point was unfortunate because your point was still not conveyed. Perhaps you should try painting?
(1/11/2017 11:28:02 PM)
20
Agree!!
# 17 I'm with u
Very well said.
(1/11/2017 11:56:16 PM)
21
#17
As a young single girl with young married friends, let me tell you that singles are nervous to call their married friends. They're generally wrapped up with their new married lives and don't have much energy and time to spare, especially in Shana Rishona...at least that's how we look at it. Singles try to wait for the married person to call first. The only thing we do is text, and usually we don't expect a reply for at least a day. My friend got married in August, I had one meeting with her in September, and I haven't spoken to her since. She's busy! I respect that, and I'll text her, and I don't get my hopes up for a response. Please understand, married couples are a bit intimidating!
(1/11/2017 11:57:04 PM)
22
Another single
Thank you for being so real and intune with your emotions and saying it straight out. I understand both sides, but sometimes our married friends need to realize that just because were still single our lives are important too and hear it as a reminder. No need to spew hatred on either sides. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and feelings. Thank you for writing! I agree with you 100%!
(1/11/2017 11:58:05 PM)
23
unfortunately
Unfortunately people by nature are selfish and forgetful about others. It's the cold hard truth. However, one should not wait for people to offer help. It is A OK to ask for help in a dignified way. I am sure many would help if they were asked in anice way. Good luck.
(1/12/2017 12:04:01 AM)
24
#17
Also on the ball! Agree 100%. And I'm single btw, just enjoying the irony
(1/12/2017 12:12:39 AM)
25
Chaya
To #17:

I hear your annoyance but the vibe Im getting is that to you, it's all about single vs married. If you're good friends you dont have to tiptoe around. Whether single or married both need to be a mentch, but it's not "oh they're single they could call me first." Im sure there are married friends out there who dont call you either-- that's a personality or busy thing not married vs single!

People tend to look at singles and every move they make must be perfect. If someone is busy, they're busy whether married or single. If they keep not calling back, tell them so! You dont have to tiptoe around them just because they are single. If you dont like that they accept Shabbos meals last minute- tell them so! If you dont mind but dont want them to feel uncomfortable with the guest list- tell them that too! They are not a fragile thing.

On the other hand, you seem to recognize that the life of a single can be tough in a different way that yours. Thank you for inviting your single friends to Shabbos meals (so they dont have to scramble and beg to find places, simply because they are single), for understanding that their lifestyle is less settled than yours and for trying to help them with shidduchim.

We don't know the reasons for why some people are still single only hashem does, thank you for recognizing that and trying not to look at your single friend like something is wrong with her. Thank you for trying
(1/12/2017 12:15:15 AM)
26
Thank you
For sharing & making us aware. It's true as some have said they want privacy and don't want pity so let's understand each single as he or she is and if she is the type to want as the writer says active involvement from married friends then we can be gracious and discuss and be there for her and if her personality and wishes are otherwise then we shall be careful and sensitive. It's understanding your friend and his or her needs.
May Hashem bless all singles with a perfect spouse and all marrieds with beautiful marriages.
(1/12/2017 12:38:02 AM)
27
To no. 17
Obviously you dont know the writer. There are many girls out there who are 26 or older and are not married. You never want to be in their shoes as this is a very hard Nesoin. Remember when you come to the Bais Din Shel Maleh they will judge you like you judged others. Be careful Please.

To the 26 year old Chabad Girl. Hashem has his ways of doing things and not always do I understand. I think we all hear you loud and clear including Hashem. Wishing you lots of Mazel and Davening for you to find your Zivug Hagun Right away and we should all go to the altamate Simcha and Dance with the Rebbe in Eretz Yisroel Right Away.
(1/12/2017 12:42:54 AM)
28
Practical solution
The practical solution is going straight and ask directly your friends to do it
There is nothing wrong with that. On the contrary
They might be very.busy with the new life and sometimes that think that if they ask you about how is going shidduchim you are going to feel bad
One. By one go straight and ask your friends to move
Do it over and over again again and again
Don't expect anything to happen , go and get it
This is the same in business , in relationmhips ( you have to make it happen) in anything that you want to achieve in life
Hatzlacha rabbah umuflaga
All single boys and girls should do that and push your married friends
(1/12/2017 12:48:59 AM)
29
#7 has a point
What one person finds annoying, another may find comforting so just be open and ask your married friends to help you with a shidduch. Some like to be gebentched "iy"h by you", others don't etc. so since I don't want to take a chance of hurting someone, I won't say anything... People don't always know what you want so be open with your friends - I'm sure they would love to see you happily married and would love to help you. and IY"H BY YOU!!! REAL SOON!!!
(1/12/2017 12:55:58 AM)
30
like for a lost object
The rebbe told people to treat finding a shiduch like looking for a lost object. You cannot just sit and wait. You, or your parents can call your friends and bring up the topic of what kind ofguy you are looking for! That way they will know that they are not intruding on your privacy.
(1/12/2017 1:06:11 AM)
31
Keeping it simple
If I may ground things a bit (IMHO):


MARRIED PEOPLE:
1) Take 5 minutes (right now is a great time too!) and think of the boys/girls you know (over the age over 25). Type 'em up on your smartphone's notepad/notes.

2) Share these names with your husband/wife and compare notes; do any of these name hold potential to meet each other? If not, keep the list handy; should you ever bump into someone or someone asks you if you know someone, you'll have where to start.

3) Take one, two or three of these names. Reach out to them. Ask them what they are looking for. Asking them for their resume/profile won't hurt either. Remember, people evolve and change as they get older. So what you know from you single days may have matured.

Only good results can come out of these actions.



SINGLE PEOPLE:
1) As proactive as you have been, never despair or remain complacent. Reach out to two or three friends and ask them if they may know anyone. Offer them your profile/resume.

2) Be open to change. There will be times that you will be offered names of people that may not be what you are hoping or expecting. Unless they are totally incompatible or don't share the same values, give it a try.

3) Should you go out and it doesn't work out, take a moment and think of someone that would work well with that person.




To #17:
One way to fix/avoid/address any future issues would be communication. They may never have realized what your noble intentions are (and quite noble indeed!).

We accomplish nothing with the blame game. The single people are hurting and eat themselves up inside when in the presence of their married friends (and kids). Right or wrong, it up to you to be the stronger person. Cut them some slack. They will come around and thank you one day :)


Oh, and for the record (if it really means anything to this blog), I'm also single and available :)
(1/12/2017 1:14:56 AM)
32
Contact
Can you be reached through the editor?
(1/12/2017 1:22:47 AM)
33
I understand you.
Thanks for writing this. I'm married now and I totally relate to everything that you write here.

When I was single, I wished my friends would help set me up. It was hard.

I promised that when I would get married I would host my single friends for shabbos and that I would help make shidduchim. My husband and myself both keep lists of singles on our phones that we add to when we remember someone who is single and take them out once a month to see if we can set anyone up. It's not always easy to make shidduchim and sometimes I'm hesitant because what if it's completely off. You've made me aware that I should let my friends know that I am thinking of them for shidduchim but I dont always have suggestions. I am always available for them when they want to discuss their dating and need my advice or a listening ear. I think it's great that you wrote how you feel and brought awareness to this. Iyh may one of your friends be arranging YOUR shower party really soon :)
(1/12/2017 1:23:34 AM)
34
Very right and couldn't agree even more!!!!!
If you think it will change when you get married and you don't have your other Nachas right away, it won't! The selfish so their called friends will still not give the proper respect and attention to you because it's them. It's them not being nice and a mentsch! People don't change and therefore they will still continue to be hurtful in other ways. I was single till 27 and was in the same situation as you, there for everyone and was forgotten entirely after. Hashem will help!!!!!!!!!
(1/12/2017 1:27:21 AM)
35
Many on the same boat - boys and girls
It's just taken for granted, but people whom B"H are married early or "on time" have no idea what pain it us to go through every day and night still being single, & as years go past the pain just grows, and unfortunately there's very few in our neighborhood that really care, unfortunately "CHABAD" has come a outreach successful program that doesn't give the same or at least some care of the inside of CHABAD.

I just wish there's someone out there that cares for those poor souls ageing away,
(1/12/2017 2:30:44 AM)
36
I am looking for "A regular fine girl"
For my son. Caveat - he is a BT.

Not too many regular fine girls are open to consider someone who is not FFB though.

Would you give him a chance?
(1/12/2017 7:08:13 AM)
37
2 sides to the coin
The writer here brings a valid opinion. This may apply to certain people and may not. Being married for almost a year now I certainly understand how married friends may be busy and do not find the time to give a call. However, the next time you are talking to a married friend, no matter who initiates the call, express to your married friend that you would like to talk to them about your shidduch situation. The conversation can be started by either side of the phone call.

There is no validity to say who should be the one to initiate the conversation. I know dating may be traumatic for some and the married friend may not have dainf on the top of their mind, or your shidduch needs on the top of their head. Therefore, start the conversation.

Before you express your opinion on who needs to talk to who, think about what you are expecting from your friend. This may need to be something that you yourself have to do. And once you start the conversation you have their attention because most friends actually care for their friends.

The bottom line both sides have the responsibility and can put the effort in to call and communicate their feelings to one another.
(1/12/2017 7:45:25 AM)
38
To 4 , 10 and 17
4 the best one so far
10 I feel sorry for you
17 I have to agree We know some of your friends lol

Thank you for sharing its the most important issue in our community
(1/12/2017 8:10:38 AM)
39
Number 10!
How could you?
Which part of her article would you say was IMMATURE?
Get a life!
She's going through so much as it is, why would want to add to her burden and her pain with these insensitive, demeaning comments!
I think you should go for advice/help to see things differently! Very differently!
And to the author, I say, "Well said!" and how true!
There are SO many of us in the same boat, feeling the exact same way!
If, even one friend is reminded to think of her single friend, and a shidduch comes about, it'll have been worth it!
Hatzlocha and may you know of good wonderful news so soon!
(1/12/2017 8:14:54 AM)
40
The real elephant in the room
It is not married peoples jobs. Whenever I see these articles they sadden me. They are filled with misplaced blame and anger. There is no recognition of what a girl goes through upon getting married. It's a transformation of the mind, body and soul. The couple spends the first few years getting to know one another and laying the foundation that will last the rest of their lives. When they first get married it's natural to spend every waking hour together in shana rishona. It's normal that friendships change. Many women myself included have children in the first year and work, while sick and still have to tend the house at the end of the day. We haven't forgotten our single friends we just met the love of our lives and are creating our families and maybe yeah once the baby comes and life moves on we don't have as much time anymore.

And let's not forget many women in our community as soon as one baby comes they are pregnant with another. And then another and they are tired and sick and working and keeping a family together is hard work. And it shows a lack of sensitivity on the part of singles to play you forgot about me card.

Or maybe we have suggested to you. But he is either too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too poor, too rich, too frum or not enough...maybe the problem lies internally. And there is something you haven't processed. Most singles have had some close calls in their shidduchim by age 26. I wonder if they sat down and really searched inside of them they would realize that they are holding themselves back.
(1/12/2017 8:44:29 AM)
41
Mother of a single
Firstly this young lady expressed herself and her feelings very well. She couldn't have said it better. Hashem will a"h help her and all girls who are waiting for their bershet. But I do agree with her that friends are the best option for finding shidduichim. They know their friend inside out as opposed to a shaddichin who is just going by the girls resume. (Paste copy from someone else's resume). Hatzlacha to everyone
(1/12/2017 9:00:19 AM)
42
Maybe I can explain your friends actions
You sound like the type of person who is really nice and always looking to help people out even if they didn't ask you, that is REALLY GOOD OF YOU. But you have to understand not everyone is like that. They've not necessarily going to offer help before you ask for it.
May you find your bashert soon!
(1/12/2017 9:04:18 AM)
43
to #36
there are so many BTs in CH today so dont make yourself an unfortunate person. There is no problem. Dont act like these minorities who feel they are entiteled to things
(1/12/2017 9:46:16 AM)
44
shidduch ideas from this article
wow great article so important
I see a few ppl are interested in each other from the comments
NOTE TO COLLIVE maybe open a section for singles 25 years old or older to post & find each other??
married couples who are involved in shiduchim to post if they are looking for singles to match with they're friends????
(1/12/2017 9:52:28 AM)
45
Tanya Igeres Ha-Kodesh, chapter 11
these types of articles, I believe, are not too chassidish, in that, while there is a lot of tension, hard feelings for older singles (I am one myself), they seem to ignore the concept that is in the Tanya, Igores Hakodesh, chapter 11, which is a sincere faith in G-d, and acceptance of things which "appear" to be bad, as actually not being bad at all - and it goes on to say that you are like a "koifer" if you go around moping around like nobody cares about you, you are suffereing, etc. the chapter begins by stating that the "chofetz" (desire) for chaim, bonim, and mezunim - that "chafetz" makes a feeling/domain where hashem cannot dwell - to be overly obsessed with shidduchim, to a point of despair, suspecting your friends are ignoring you, etc. - does not seem to be chassidish.
(1/12/2017 10:38:48 AM)
46
Conflicted
As a read this article, there were 2 emotions darting through my heart. On one hand, I felt terrible pain for the girl expressing her hurt. On the other hand, I felt the constricted feeling of a married person trying to engage with a single friend about the 'elephant'.
Obviously, this must be processed case by case, and with every 'single' friend you can't be 100% sure you will get it right.
The sentiment of the writer is extremely strong and relevant and resonated with me.
The inspiration or the take home message I have from this article is to have courage to invite the 'elephant' into the room.
By saying to a single friend something like this, "I think about you all the time, you deserve to be married and I want to see you married. Is this a topic I could talk to you about or would you rather we talk about something else?"
(1/12/2017 10:51:30 AM)
47
make it more likely
Make a list of what you value and what type of personality you think you would like to marry. Next, describe it to your friends. Many people will draw up on a blank when trying to match people, but can come up with ideas when you describe the person you are looking for.
It makes you feel bad that nobody asked you first. look at it like a good opportunity to learn an important life skill.
Your future husband may not intuitively know at first what you are feeling in all situations.
Your future children will definitely not know how their actions make them feel.
Your kids school will not always be on the same page as you even though they really should be.
Practice politely sharing the reality you live in. Most people are happy to hear.
(1/12/2017 10:51:47 AM)
48
I did not read the other comments.
Hi, good point you have there. I'm also a single girl. A lot if my friends are married too!
I think the same way they talk about their life you can talk about yours! You can start talking about the so called elephant in the room! I don't think it's her responsibility to have to bring it up... do you ask her how her relationship with her husband is going? I should hope not, but if she brings it up and wants to talk about it, then you would be a listening ear. Same here, you can just bring up about Shidduchim. Hatzlacha! Hope this was helpful!
(1/12/2017 11:10:24 AM)
49
Well said
I was there for my friends and I still am. My husband and I work very hard to be there for our single friends. Constantly thinking of names for them and being there at all ours of the night through the dating process. And then when I do go to their weddings, I stay there the whole time. Not for 5 minutes. This is what I've been saying for years. I don't want any of my friends to feel lonely, like I forgot them.
May Hashem bentch you that you find the right one speedily so that you too, will be on the other side of the giving coin.
(1/12/2017 11:29:44 AM)
50
Think about it
An older man is less critical of a younger woman. There is no guarantee that you'll have a long marriage with a man your own age. Don't follow that 10 year difference baloney.
(1/12/2017 11:48:06 AM)
51
@collive about comment 44
I think thats a great idea. Collive does great things. If you can somehow help in the field of shidduchim, that would be really cool.
A yungerman
(1/12/2017 11:53:58 AM)
52
@ Number 17
Thats very sweet of you. I hope the author acknowledges this!
Good Shabbos from Jerusalem.
Moshiach now!
(1/12/2017 2:11:33 PM)
53
Agree 102%
I agree with the author on all the points she makes.
Looking at some of the comments you can see that some ppl feel guilty and defensive about this issue. Everyone agrees that making a shidduch is not easy but we all must try and do something to help.
Where can one get the profile or contact info of the author?
(1/12/2017 2:14:20 PM)
54
married friend
Since I got married I have contacted my friends parents many times with suggestions but I never brought it up with my friends directly because I wanted to respect their privacy. One of my friends called me and said "My mother told me you called her, thank you so much for all your suggestions. I figured I should tell you exactly what I'm looking for so it will be easier for you."
B"H she is married now. (I didn't make her shidduch, another friend did)
(1/12/2017 3:46:34 PM)
55
without a name
I wonder about all the comments written without names. Why not put a name to what you are saying? Someone will disagree? If you stand by what you say, then own it. Writing without a name let's people - article writers (except when it is highly sensitive like this article) and comment writers, off the hook in so many ways.

What I hear in this article is pain. Just pain. And when we are in pain we sometimes feel like it needs to be someone's fault. Are all married friends insensitive? Are all singles forgotten? Every relationship is unique. And learning how to let those close to us know what we want from them is an important first step to getting what we need. So, dear single who is hurting so much, I hope that you find a way to let those close to you know what you need. And to recognize that sometimes even the most caring friend can't fix what's wrong - but what they can do is be there with you so you feel less alone, find ways to show you that you are important to them, etc. None of this is easy... but usually people need to know how to help. Tell them directly. An article to "the world" is important because it raises sensitivity and we can all use that, but your relationships are unique to you, so tell those who care about you what they can do.

Wishing you good news soon.
Here's my name:
Devorie Kreiman
(1/12/2017 5:17:13 PM)
56
Yankel Todres
You are of course completely right.

At the same time, one never knows from whence the Yeshua will come. You must endeavor to keep your resume up to date with professional Shadchanim. too. It is after all a human trait to expend effort only when someone is properly motivated. As a professional Shadchan is getting paid, they may have MORE interest in helping you (than an unpaid friend.)

May the Al-Mighty grant your request speedily.

PS. Don't forget to beseech the Rebbe for his assistance in this matter too!
(1/12/2017 6:39:26 PM)
57
#40
i disagree you are wrong! the problem is not internal, for the single. the problem is they didnt find thier bashert yet cuz no one is being suggested for them
did you ever hear of doing a yid a favor
(1/12/2017 9:20:58 PM)
58
Agree with #44!
As I was reading through the comments, I had the same idea! I think it would be so nice if col would make a shidduch just for older singles.
(1/12/2017 9:41:21 PM)
59
To #31
Couldn't have said it better!

That would be quite cool for col to put together a website; a database of names and basic profiles with preferred shadchanim that singles (with a verified login) and shadchanim can search.

Basic info is listed like: name, age, height, basic interests, who they are and what they are looking for.

If you are interested then you can take things to the next stage by reaching out the shadchan.

But then again its not the traditional way nor even the healthiest way for many....



(1/13/2017 1:18:41 AM)
60
To #55
Many people (myself included) prefer not putting our names out there.

We, like many other singles, believe in what we write. However the backlash, resentment and peer pressure can be quite nasty and insensitive.

Unfortunately many people tend not to respect others when they do not agree with an opinion contrary to their own.

I respect those who post their names... Although I must point out that it certainly is much easier to post your name once you are married already....
(1/13/2017 1:24:22 AM)
61
CHALLENGE TO ALL
May I put forth a challenge to all out there:

At the end of the day we all know the challenge at hand and its sad results.

It's not that the other is to blame. Rather it's everyone's opportunity to make a difference.

Yes, everyone.


Let's start now:

Be it in this comment section or that COL write up a short article, offering everyone the chance to put forth their ideas and suggestion(s) how to improve (not fix) the shidduch arena.

Comments should be screened; only suggestions; the purpose of that article and comment section is to solicit the various suggestions and solution people have to offer. No criticism, as not to get off-topic.

You'll probably end up with 10-15 real, grounded ideas and suggestions.

Thoughts?
(1/13/2017 3:12:50 AM)
62
Chizuk
Yasher koach on a well-written article to bring attention to an important problem! We must ALL become shadchanim to help those who have not yet found their bashert.
I can empathize with your pain. I dated for many years and finally married at age 28. I never expected to wait so long- BUT MY HUSBAND WAS WELL WORTH WAITING FOR!! The tefilos didn't go to waste! B"H we have a large family and I appreciate that soooo much! Wishing you hatzlacha and bsuros tovos soon!
(1/13/2017 9:25:03 AM)
63
Friends come and go
I think what your missing is the understanding of friendship. You wouldn't have to write this article if the people you call friends are friends. Friends are the people that are there for you no matter what through thick and thin. They tell you to break off a shidduch or go out to eat and get a babysitter for their kids to grab a coffee and talk about your life. This is of course a two way street but you shouldn't expect anything out of the friendship only to do that for them.

The problem is people think people they went to school or seminary with or who invited them to their wedding are their friends. Those are aquatinces. If you feel you can't call them when you are up at 3 am worried about something or borrow a $1000+ if you needed it and they don't trust you to pay it back on your own. You aren't friends you are aquatinces. Stop confusing people you know with true friendship. Eventually all friendships end especially when you are in different stages of life. Though i have a feeling you were never friends to begin with.
(1/13/2017 10:53:52 AM)
64
Great idea
44 has a great idea. Hope COL can do this.
(1/13/2017 10:54:09 AM)
65
Blame game
To read the article and read all the responses incited me to add my two sense . Thru my own challenges I learned I have choices ,I could be a victim of life and be reactive to circumstances .have expectations of others and of life itself . Only to end up disappointed and resentful . or take responsibility of my life and choose to be proactive instead of reactive. There's a well know saying that defines the point " "expectations are premeditated resentments". That goes either way for the singles and the marrieds .
Chassidus has taught me what I need is in gods hands and taken care off no need for worry .what I'm needed for in life that's my bechira that's where I have freedom of choose .
It's a tough challenge u face that is true undeniable however today it's being single tomorrow it will be something else .All of our journeys in life are faced with "challenges" or growth opportunities. The married the singles the childless the financially challenged the sick etc...
Everyday of every minute Hashem is custom designing ur life just for u and its good ! cause hashem is good .the real challenge is accepting that and turning ur attention to where ur needed at this moment with this challenge instead of looking only for what u need .maybe u might have and incredible opportunity to grow in ways that will bring about a beautiful shidduch bekorav mahesh. Looking forward to hearing good news soon
(1/13/2017 2:45:12 PM)
66
sara rivkah ettel
i to am going throught this .... i feel the auther a 100%
(1/14/2017 6:11:09 PM)
67
I'm with you!
I'm 27 years old and 100% agree with what you wrote!!
(1/14/2017 8:55:10 PM)
68
Chabadmatch
Have you gone through the whole list on Chabadmatch.com? I spent many hours several times a week for a year and a half going through the whole list of women (could not find anyone interested in a divorced man with a daughter although at least I scrubbed the list).

Start with anyone who stands out and work your way through the list giving names to the shadchan that you choose with the highest recommendations on the list at Chabadmatch. You could spend hours upon hours going through potentials or wait for someone else to remember you. Take the more active approach and bez''H.
(1/14/2017 11:49:57 PM)
69
i agree!
I absolutely agree with the point you are coming across. but also look at the others side point of view please before you start talking.
you should find your bashert I''H, and have a good beautiful life.
(1/15/2017 6:33:51 PM)
70
Does anyone know ...
How one can contact Shadchan Lebovic from comment 3 ?
(1/15/2017 7:54:43 PM)
71
to #57
It often is internal. Many people date dozens of people and always have some excuse as to why it didn't work out. Therapy can help so why is that not being brought up here as an option for people who are stuck. Sometimes the parents as well as their older single children need to go to therapy together because there is sometimes a complicated family issue keeping the children from going forward in life. If someone has been dating for a decade and has met and rejected countless people, then we can't blame other yidden for neglecting to redd shidduchim for them.
(1/16/2017 9:55:02 AM)
72
Finally...
...someone speaks the truth.
It's really a big question why people are so self-centered. Chevra, we need to learn more chasidus...and it needs to come into action!
(1/16/2017 2:32:55 PM)
73
Finally...
...someone speaks the truth.
It's really a big question why people are so self-centered. Chevra, we need to learn more chasidus...and it needs to come into action!
(1/17/2017 12:39:27 PM)
74
Look Outside

I think it is very nice that you wrote this article and have expressed your feelings. Especially within your community it is healthy and normal that you ask for help. You sound like a giving person so you are right to reach out with this requests. I would say to you as a non chabadnick that you should really look at all jews and open yourself up to the overall jewish community if you have not done so. You would be surprised to find that there are many non chassiduishe guys or semi chaddishe guys that are great for shidduchim.
(1/17/2017 7:32:28 PM)
75
Thank You
thank you for writing this I forwarded it to all my married friends. I am single and I have attended marriages, second marriages, 1st, 2nd and 3rd kids birthday parties and have a big social circle and the no of friends willing to help me or think of me on Shabbat is one. unfortunately this is a reality for single people and I don't believe the writer is blaming or making demands of her married friends. She is simply asking them to think of their friend and she is asking them to help
(1/18/2017 3:41:54 AM)
76
Not just single women
Brother-in-law is now 51 and seems to have been forgotten by friends, family, and shadchanim. He'd like to still have a wife and family.
(1/18/2017 4:38:22 PM)
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