By Malkie
A single person needs to be empowered with positive information about marriage. I read with interest the article “Singles, Please Date Your Own Age.”
It mentions scientists trying to figure out our shidduch system. But I feel that this attitude is shortsighted, irresponsible and damaging.
As frum Jews, we know that we are not always to do what comes naturally. We must channel our urges and do what is right. This needs to be a decision made by the girl and her parents with help of the shadchan.
The real issue is we are in an instant gratification generation. We judge by externals. And I speak for those who are constantly judged just from a piece of paper, a phone call, or the hearing of a name.
In this case, we are judging by age.
This is the root why a “good bochur” (or girl) who has dated a hundred times and still has not found “the right one” is a phenomenon becoming very common in the frum world. I know that it makes matters not so easy for families, especially with so many older single women wanting to start families of their own.
That shift in consciousness can be a simple step that undermines the single in marriage. The bond will be tested once the stress of a growing family, aging parents, tighter finances, and medical issues set in.
At this point, we become resigned to our fate. We think “If I come from a more religious family, that guarantees that my husband and children will stay religious.” But apparently, there is nothing we can do to control this and trying to will only damage shalom bayis.
I do believe that deep down inside, people do care and want what’s best for singles. Every parent does. So find out what that may be instead of getting caught up in other matters.
We need to focus on promoting a chassidishe education not statistics. Age isn’t the real issue.
As an older single in this community, I’m always highly entertained by shidduchim articles. Ages isn’t the issue, I mean, come on people please, we r believers in G-d, we believe in Hashgocha Protis, we believe every blade of grass and leaf on a tree does exactly what it’s supposed to do at every single moment, yet were trying to come up with reasons why shidduchim aren’t working. I grew up on Shlichus, went through the system, have a pretty good head on my shoulders, worked in multiple Gan Izzy’s worldwide; have quite a substantial network of people who know… Read more »
Please say your name if you are a shadchan. Thanks!
Recently there’s been a major trend among older boys in particular. boys 25 and older dating girls 22 and older, who both been dating for some years. Things can seem promising and even “too good to be true” when after each date both parties came home happy with no major issues. But suddenly after date 4/ 5 the boy just drops the girl. For no apparent reason and without telling the girl anything. This just leaves the girl with feelings of doubt. Not only does it cause confusion but it also makes the girl think that something is wrong with… Read more »
Some people don’t know how to date, are not themselves the first couple of times so they need to be given a chance to feel more comfortable. Also, sometimes there are misunderstandings, they misinterpret certain statements. That is why it is very important to discuss with the shadchan the reason why you are saying “no”. Several times I was able to clarify misunderstandings and B”H they are happily married. Several times I was able to encourage to continue dating even though one side wanted to stop and they thank me for it – they are happily married. People think they… Read more »
When people serial date for years and get nowhere, but off the lists of shadchanim, often they need therapy to overcome emotional barriers to marriage. They also may not be attracted to the opposite gender. Those sometimes break up when things seem promising but this is done by people who are afraid or have emotional barriers for a number of reasons. People who really want to get married accept that they have to date those who want to date them. They can’t attract professionals, for example, if they are, as one shadchanit put it, “not Einsteins”. The girl with nothing… Read more »
To #6 How does that help Baali Teshuvah’s?
#8 For people who do not have a lot of money, going out even once with each prospect can be expensive.
Not everyone has the time and money to go out many times with the same one ‘just in case’ their initial impressions ‘might’ turn out to be wrong.
Agreed. There are in fact many issues, all of them playing a role.
I would like to hear more spoken about reason number 4. many don’t give it enough of a chance. They think after one or two dates they already know it’s not for them. – This is a major issue.
I think there all several issues:
1. yes,many will only go with a certain age
2. many have their mind set on a certain type, look, family etc and are not open to anything else
3. many feel they need to fall in love
4. many don’t give it enough of a chance. They think after one or two dates they already know it’s not for them.
and I’m sure there are other reasons
The main thing, Hashem should make it happen!!
Don’t pre-judge a person on their place of birth. When my child was in shidduchim, I was told many times an unequivocal NO just because we don’t come from America. The fact that my child wanted to go on shlichus and was looking for someone who also wanted to go on shlichus ie settle anywhere in the world, was of no consequence. It was very frustrating that my child was not judged on middos, intellect, chassidishkeit etc but rather the place of birth – something which is simply ordained by Hashem alone!! P
I think what we really need to do is start setting up our sons and daughters, like other chassidic circles do. 1, 2, 3, the shidduch crises is solved overnight.
However, there’s a “thing” that guys find it a taboo almost thing to date. Much older and subsequently more accomplished ( college) . If there is something done to overcome the stigma- good.
Very impactful piece of an Article. Thank You Very Much. A Gut Voch and Shavuo Tov!
not really sure what you’re trying to say, but i agree age is not a real issue.
incidentally all my friends are marrying girls older than themselves
Schoyach!
Good start, I think she is on to something. I would like to hear more from her. I agree…