Parenting, Freedom & Pesach Sheni

By Yishai Hornbacher and Shimon Waronker

בַּחֹדֶשׁ הַשֵּׁנִי בְּאַרְבָּעָה עָשָׂר יוֹם בֵּין הָעַרְבַּיִם יַעֲשׂוּ אֹתוֹ עַל מַצּוֹת וּמְרֹרִים יֹאכְלֻהוּ:

In the second month, on the fourteenth day, in the afternoon, they shall make it [the Korban Pesach]; they shall eat it with Matzah and Morror.

Bamidbar 9:11

On ב’ ניסן (March 22nd 2015) I joined Shimon Waronker and his wife, together with over 20 parents from Crown Heights, for the completion of a 12 week workshop on parenting skills. We went to the Ohel to ask for Brachos in our endeavors, as the skills and perspectives we learned over the previous three months can only be effective with the help of Hashem in seeing success from all our work.

As Pesach Sheni is upon us, it is a good time to reflect on that experience and, in the spirit of נישט דא קיין פארפאלן – it is never too late, provide a second chance for parents who attended the course and those who didn’t to learn new skills in parenting and achieve true Chassideshe Nachas from our children.

At the Ohel, Shimon, who led the workshop, connected what we had learned to the theme of Pesach. I would like to share his empowering message.

Freedom – what does it mean to be free? The Haggadah tells us that there are three things that must be said in order to commemorate freedom. Pesach, Matzah and Morror. Why do these things have such great importance? In addition, the opposite of a slave is a leader, but what does Jewish leadership look like?

At the simple level, Matzah is a poor man’s bread, commemorating the poverty of the slaves, Morror reminds us of the bitter tears our ancestors shed in Egypt, and mentioning Pesach reminds us of the Pascal sacrifice in the times of the Temple.

Chassidus offers a deeper insight into how these three items connect with freedom.

Matzah is a symbol of humility. Matzah and Chametz share two letters and differ only in one. Matzah ends in a Hey, Chametz ends in a Ches. The Ches is closed off at the top, which signifies arrogance. An arrogant person will always tell others their opinion but never learn from them. By contrast, the Hey is open and willing to learn from others which represents a person’s freedom from enslavement to their own mental model.

Humility allows change to superior ideas. This is a critical component to being a free person. Modern research, such as that published by Jim Collins in Good to Great, confirms that humility is a critical component for good leadership and humble leaders build the most successful companies.

Freedom is being a leader and showing leadership, not necessarily leading others, but leading one’s own life in the proper way.

Morror shows our compassion for people who died thousands of years ago, yet we still empathize with their pain. Empathy is a critical component of leadership. Many studies (such as the work of Robert Hogan), show that empathy is one of the personality traits which inspire and motivate others to follow.

A critical component of freedom is transcending our own feelings. Only when a person has a conscience and is thinking of others, can they escape their personal emotions and limitations.

This particular trait was brought home with a story heard from Rabbi Bomzer – who is not a Lubavitcher, but had a close relationship with the Rebbe. Rabbi Bomzer had a friend, an Israeli General, who stayed with him when he would visit the United States Every time this Israeli General came to America, as part of his visit, he would meet with the Rebbe. One year the general came to visit in the winter, and his Yechidus was scheduled for 2 AM on a cold, snowy day. The general wanted to take a taxi to 770, but Rabbi Bomzer insisted this was not a good idea.It wasn’t safe to go to Brooklyn alone at 2AM, so Rabbi Bomzer insisted on driving him.

When they arrived the general went inside. Two minutes later he came back out saying: “The Rebbe would like to see you.”

As they were walking inside, the general explained that when he came into the room the Rebbe put out his hand, “How do you do?” And followed up with, “How did you get here?”

The general answered, “A friend brought me.”

“A friend? Where is he? Ask him to come in. It is 2 AM in winter and it is cold outside,” the Rebbe responded.

As Rabbi Bomzer walked in, the Rebbe put out his hand to shake Rabbi Bomzer’s hand and asked him, “Would you like a cup of tea?”

Rabbi Bomzer was very touched by this. The Rebbe was thinking of the driver, showing the highest degree of empathy, even for a person merely acting as the driver.

An important emphasis on the workshop is a focus on empathy. We want children to be Eidel, and we have to be role models. This may not come naturally if our parents didn’t have the skills to show empathy to us, and it is hard work. Empathy is a strong focus of the workshop and it is humbling to be a good parent.

The ram was the animal used for the Korban Pesach. Pesach is in the spring, when the constellation of the ram – Aries – is predominant in the sky. Spring is the time when nature expresses itself most strongly. The Egyptians were worshipers of nature, and saw the ram in the spring as an idol at the pinnacle of its strength.

It took courage for the Jews in Egypt to take the Egyptians’ object of worship kill it and eat it. They risked their lives. In order to be a free human being, one has to have the courage to stand up for what is right. If we live in fear, we are enslaved to our own fears. Researchers like Eleanor Duckworth and others are revealing that grit and tenacity which are pillars of courage correlate with success in life.

A free Jew has Humility, Empathy and Courage. These are the characteristics of Jewish leadership.

The Rebbe often stated that he wants us to be leaders – נרות להאיר. These are traits that are essential to being the leaders the Rebbe is looking for, and what we want our children to be. Leaders who will bring Moshiach.

When we are enslaved the first step is being aware, so we can work on our own constraints to free ourselves, and then free our children. This is what the workshop was about.

After these inspiring words, we went to the Ohel as a group to daven that we should be successful in implementing these principles in our own lives and with our own children.

Now that there has been some time to reflect on the experience, I noticed that every parent struggled with different areas and different parts of the course. Nonetheless, everyone found something worthwhile in every session. It was hard to stay dedicated by attending every possible class, and do the homework needed to really get something out of the course, but those who stuck with it surely found it worthwhile.

When I came to the workshop, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Looking for ways to improve my parenting skills, this seemed like a good opportunity. I also liked that all proceeds for the course went to support a worthwhile shul in Crown Heights. What I found were concrete skills and techniques that have really made a difference in being a parent.

My only regret is that my wife and I decided that only one of us would go. Looking at Pesach Sheni as a time for second chances, I hope to rectify that the next time the course is offered in Crown Heights.