Women’s Event Discusses Dementia

“Do I know you?” That is the question often asked by people suffering from dimentia.

When Rishe Deitsch‘s father first showed signs of Alzheimer’s five years ago, she looked for answers. She found them in a landmark book by Michael Krauthamer called “Walking in Their Shoes.” So when, in 2013, the N’shei Chabad Newsletter staff decided to prepare a supplement on dementia for its February 2013 issue, they contacted Michael for permission to excerpt his book. He enthusiastically agreed, because he is passionate about his work and Validation Therapy.

With about a third of people over 85 suffering from some form of dementia, and people living longer now than they did years ago, it’s practically an epidemic. It behooves all of us to know more about it in order to be truly helpful to our grandfather, neighbor, or friend. The Beis Medrash Women’s Circle decided to hold an event on the topic and they flew in Michael to speak.

The event, co-sponsored by Bais Rivkah Headstart and the N’shei Chabad Newsletter, was held in Rishe’s home on Monday evening and drew a varied crowd of 50 women ranging in age from 25 to 85. When Michael Krauthamer asked the audience to raise their hands if someone they love has dementia, just about every single woman in the room raised her hand.

Michael taught about two different ways to deal with people with dementia. One, to which he is opposed, is known as Reality Orientation. He demonstrated the fallacy of this method by pointing to the pale yellow walls he was standing in front of, and saying, “This wall is red. It really is! I promise you it is. Don’t you see it? Don’t you believe me?” Of course the audience smiled indulgently. They KNEW the wall was yellow! That is how a person with dementia feels when you assure them it’s Tuesday and they KNOW it’s Shabbos, or when you tell them they are 80 but they are sure they are ten years old. No look in the mirror will change that self-perception born of a tragic brain disease.

Once Michael convinced his audience that Reality Orientation doesn’t work, and only results in conflict which causes pain and frustration for patient and family alike, Michael taught about Validation Therapy (originally named by Naomi Feil).

Validation Therapy means simply to validate the person even when they are factually wrong. This was demonstrated by a role play:

Bubby: Mamelleh, do me a favor, take me home to my mother, is your car here?

Danny: You’re 86! Do you know how old your mother would have to be to be alive today?

Bubby: Yes, my mother is about 35 now. Please, I need to go to her now. She is all alone and nobody is taking care of her. I want to see my sweet mother (crying), I always went to the store for her.

Danny: Well I can’t take you to her! She’s dead! Here look in this mirror and tell me if you’re someone whose mother could still be alive.

Bubby: Can you at least call her on the phone for me?

Danny: NO I CAN’T YOU’RE BEING RIDICULOUS!
VALIDATION THERAPY:

Bubby: Mamelleh, do me a favor, take me home to my mother, is your car here?
Dora: My car isn’t here today, it’s being fixed. I wish I could take you. Bubby, would you please come with me to the mailbox? I don’t want to go alone.

Bubby: But my mother! Do you know her phone number? I must talk to her! Maybe she needs something and is all alone (crying) I always went to the store for her when she needed something.

Dora: Sure, let’s call her… (Dora dials her sister, says quietly: Bubby wants her mother, can you do this for her now?) OK here Bubby, I got your mother on the phone, she’s fine, want to talk with her?
(Hands phone, they have conversation.)

Dora: OK now Bubby your mother asked us to mail these letters, want to come to the mailbox with me please? It’s a beautiful day.

Rochie Korolitzky of Bikur Cholim spoke about her relationship with her grandfather who suffered from Dimentia. She described the way they would sing for him and how that always helped make him feel better and safer. Rochie also explained that while Bikur Cholim will help whoever they can, they also rely heavily on the fact that Crown Heights is a community that takes care of each other.

Bikur Cholim cannot arrange rotation visits for every old person needing company. It is up to family, friends and neighbors to step in and offer to do an errand, sing, bring children to visit and really be there for our elderly.
It’s a nasty illness, but with education, determination, and Hashem’s help, there are ways to make it easier to deal with.

A limited quantity of Michael Krauthamer’s book, Walking in Their Shoes, is available through the N’shei Chabad Newsletter for $15. Email [email protected] to order.