In honor of Tu B’Av, women of Crown Heights gathered for “PairFACTLY MATCHED: how to stay happy long after the match is made,” with Mrs. Aliza Horowitz, LMHC.
The following are 16 bits of insight about improving marriage and living better, discussed at the event:
Marriage Insights – Couples speak about what is important in a marriage
* After Modeh Ani, think about what you can do for your spouse today.
Rebetzin Twersky
* Ask not what your spouse can do for you, ask what you can do for your spouse. Adapted by S. Rosenstein
* You don’t always have to win an argument.
M. Rosenstein
* Spend time once a week together with your spouse, just to enjoy each other’s company.
A. Abramowitz
* Make your spouse number one priority.
R. Abromowitz
* Never go to sleep angry at each other.
Dr. Alvin and Ruth Cohen
* You can be excited about your spouse’s ideas, plans and thoughts without agreeing with them.
Dr. Lawrence J. Cohen
* When I help my wife, even if it’s a small thing, I want her to say thank you and appreciate me for it.
Y. Rose
* Be as polite and kind to your spouse as you would to a guest.
C. Rosen
* Make sure to give your husband dinner before you talk about your day.
S. Horowitz
* Never put down your spouse’s ideas.
S. Rothstein
* Talk about stressful things outside of your bedroom, because your bedroom is your haven.
Overheard in Kollel
* When you are angry, WAIT (Why Am I Talking?).
M. Swerdlow
* When your husband comes home, say to the person on the phone, “my husband just came home, I need to call you later.”
L. Palatnik
* When you have an argument, retrace your steps to see what caused it.
M. Horowitz
* Men and women are different, so don’t let it discourage you if you view the world and life differently.
A. Horowitz
I see….
So if I’m angry, frustrated, in a bad mood, or my spouse was being selfish and a total idiot, I should just communicate all my feelings to him/her?
A better solution is to work out your hurt feelings and resentment alone or with a close friend and come back to your spouse as a sane person who can have a discussion.
And no, not everything needs to be communicated.
Commitment, love, caring, respect, appreciation, admiration and more, are just as important as communication.
I am being very candid. Aliza really has insight and know-how!
I work during the day and my husband stays at home? Does he have to give me supper before he tells me about his day?
● You treat your spouse like you treat G-d, and G-d like you treat your spouse.
● When we’re young we develop needs, both physical and emotional. When we “mature” we learn to negate those needs and do without. Then we get married and we commit to fulfilling those negated needs of our spouse. It’s the ultimate eidelkeit.
All of the above wisdom applies, 100%, to basically normal marriages with their typical ups and downs that are within the realm of normalcy. But if there is abuse (physical, verbal, psychological), addiction, adultery or other forms of disloyalty, theft, or the like, one must take action. A spouse experiencing these kinds of issues is often given advice like the above. But such advice is not only useless in such severe instances, but it actually makes the victimized spouse more of a victim. No one wants to have to realize they are in a marriage that’s beyond the realm of… Read more »
the “put down your phone when he comes in” is very important.
if you want to be a queen treat your husband like a KING
Communication is the key to marriage success – Fact