Let’s Heed the Call

By Rabbi Mordechai Lipskier

The dust has begun to settle but has the issue really been dealt with?
When we hear blanket statements like, “Chassidus has all the answers; there’s no need to seek help elsewhere,” it’s easy to react negatively or incorrectly.

A bachur, diagnosed with severe internet addiction, said, “That’s it, I’m not going to therapy. If Chassidus has all the answers I don’t need some therapist to treat me. I’ll learn Tanya by heart and that will help me!”

Then there are those who know they need professional help and feel ignored, misunderstood and rejected when they hear such statements, which they understand to mean they are forbidden to consult a therapist.

Still others say, “Maybe Chassidus has all the answers, but my mashpia sure isn’t teaching them to me!”

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May I offer perspective?

It seems there are some grave misunderstandings.

Competent Rabbonim, Mashpeim and Roshei Yeshivah would agree that there are situations in which professional treatment is necessary.

Yes, Torah and Chassidus provide all the tools we need to lead materially and spiritually healthy, happy and fulfilling lives. They provide us with perspective and balance in all areas of life: shalom bayis, education and of course spiritual growth. With due diligence, we can properly understand and apply these Torah perspectives.

At the same time, we are commanded, “Verapo yerapeh,” to seek medical assistance when we’re ill, physically, mentally or emotionally.

It’s important to differentiate the roles of your mashpia and your therapist. Your mashpia is there to guide you, but he or she is not your therapist. Likewise, your therapist is not there to be mechanech you; he or she is your healer.

People suffering from unhealthy and destructive patterns, thoughts and behaviors may well need emotional and psychological help from a trained professional.

For a layman to declare that he’ll treat his addiction exclusively with Tanya is pure idiocy! And for someone to suggest that professional therapy is not allowed by Torah is sheer ignorance and cruelty.

Our leaders are not trying to control us, or deprive us of the help we need. On the contrary, they value our souls, our families and our collective future and don’t want to risk our wellbeing in a game of roulette.

Our leaders are trying to guide us towards the best possible help. If we need inspiration, spiritual fulfillment or chinuch guidance, they want us to know our ultimate source is the Torah. And if it’s professional help we need, they want us to turn to the most qualified people who are yirei Shomayim and whose methods are a) professional and responsible, b) tried and true, c) provide lasting results, d) consistent with Torah, without the slightest influence from unholy sources.

Interestingly, before the Jewish nation could receive the Torah, they needed to leave Mitzrayim (a place of constraint and inhibition) and be completely healed from their ailments. When we’re physically and emotionally healthy, we’re more capable of being receptive to the Torah.

Having said that, a core issue still needs to be addressed. Our mashpeim.

Mashpeim
Why is everyone picking on them? Are they to blame for everyone’s emotional issues?

Perhaps we need to re-examine the role of a mashpia. Many people consider a mashpia to be a provider of holiness. They feel the mashpia must give words of advice, direction and, when necessary, reproach. They believe a mashpia is who you turn to for guidance in avoda, but not for personal matters.

But a mashpia is a lot more than that.

He Mumbled?!

The Torah tells us that Moshe had a speech impediment. But isn’t a navi supposed to be a perfect person? In fact, the very word navi is derived from the word niv, which denotes speech! Why would Hashem allow Moshe Rabeinu’s mouth, and speech, to be impaired?

Perhaps the message here (based on Likutei Dibburim, Vol. 4, pg. 738) is that when it comes to leadership, there is a quality even more important than speaking. Listening. Moshe had difficulty with his speech, but that only made him a better listener.

Likewise, before the Torah tells that Hashem sent Moshe to redeem the Jewish people, we read that Hashem heard their cries, saw their suffering and joined them in their pain. Only then did He liberate them.

How many people would be able to free themselves from their own Mitzrayim if only they had access to a listening ear and an open heart? Often, just by sharing our troubles they stop hindering us.

How lucky we are that our Torah and Rebbeim incorporated “Asei lecha rav” into the fundamentals of Yiddishkeit.

I Hear….

A mashpia’s role is not simply to hear; his role is to listen. Granted, this is not easy, and to perfect the art of listening certainly requires lots of effort. But many of us can do it. The first step is to care about the person. As my father, Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Lipskier a”h, used to say, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

(True, this is not an easy task, but that’s what being a mashpia entails. As the joke goes, for two hours a woman poured her heart out to the rabbi and then said, “Rabbi, you’re a miracle worker! I came here with a splitting headache and now it’s gone!” To which the Rabbi replied, “No, it’s not gone. Now I have it.”)

Some mashpeim are afraid of listening, unsure if they’re capable of dealing with the issue at hand – pain, anger, lust, etc. The mushpa feels this apprehension and cannot open up.

Nevertheless, we mustn’t underestimate the power of listening, even when it’s not followed by pearls of wisdom. In fact, in this regard anyone can be a mashpia. Any caring person can lend a listening, non-judgmental ear and make a tremendous difference in a person’s life. Not all of us have the answers, and not all issues have answers. But the talking and listening can help tremendously.

Moreover, through actively listening we gain tremendous insight into life and its challenges, and into people and their needs. A true listener can become the wisest adviser.

So, are mashpeim givers and advisers? Yes. But first and foremost they are providers of trust, warmth, acceptance and a listening ear.

When we are fortunate enough to know and utilize such mashpeim, we can improve our friendships and relationships, and become more receptive to applying Torah and Chassidus in our everyday lives.

Rabbi Mordechai Lipskier and his wife direct The Beis Medrash and The Beis Medrash Woman’s Circle in Crown Heights. To reach him or to receive his weekly Dvar Torah emails, email: [email protected].