Over 50 members of Anash from all over London gathered to hear a lecture on sholom bayis from Rabbi Nissan Dovid Dubov, an author, lecturer and marriage counselor for the Chabad community in London.
Aside from directing Chabad activities in South London for the past 25 years, Rabbi and Rebbetzin Dubov have been actively involved in the field of sholom bayis, dealing with couples from all walks of life and offering guidance to many chassanim and kallahs.
He held the crowd of married men of all ages captivated as he spanned many areas that need to be addressed, spicing it up with chassidishe stories and quotes from the Rebbe.
“It is important to spend ‘casual alone time’ with your wife,” he recommended. Even 5 minutes a day of doing something together. The Rebbetzin would wait up with a tea for the Rebbe, even on long yechidus nights. Upon his return, they would sit together for a few minutes.”
But his central point was perhaps that a home isn’t a branch of Home Depot (or its equivalent in England – B&Q and Home-base).
“Your wife is not a project, so don’t try to change her,” said Rabbi Dubov, who learned in the Yeshivos of Gateshead, Manchester, Toras Emes in Jerusalem, Tomchei Tmimim in Montreal and 770 Eastern Parkway.
“Rather,” he suggested, “accept your wife as your bashert. Try to change yourself for the better and always praise her and defend her honor even to your children. You will see that she will change for you.”
“A husband isn’t ‘Mr. Fix It’ in another aspect as well,” he pointed out. “When a wife shares a problem or a concern, do not think you must correct the situation or offer a practical solution. Rather, empathize with her and understand the problem.”
A listening ear, apparently, can do wonders…
The course was part of a 3-week cross-communal series of events organized by the various Anash shuls and guided and endorsed by the local Chabad Rabbonim, in an effort to unite the growing Chabad community in the Greater London area.
Next week, sofer stam Rabbi Mendel Gorman of Edgware will explain the need to check your tefillin and the final course will be a special guidance and consultation evening with Ilford Shliach Rabbi Aryeh Sufrin titled “Our children and substance misuse.”
Bravo
There are many N’shei Chabad events in NW London about Sholom Bayis. Mrs Dubov gave one last month. Kudos to the organizers fo finally offering a class for men!
The issue is NOT that “your wife is not a project,” but what is quoted next is offensive to every woman on the planet: …”You will see that she will change for you.” Really? Is that what it’s about, figuring out the correct way to get your wife to change for you? How about you change for your wife?
Is there a good Shalom Bayis book from a Lubavitch perspective? Garden of Peace by R’ Shalom Arush is great (from a chassidic perspective but not Chabad).
What’s your issue with ‘your wife is not a project’?
Was his session taped, and if so, could we see a link as to where to get a copy?
Was Rabbi Dubovs talk taped?
Some of us were’nt even aware of it and some of us couldnt make it, for various reasons, but many would really like to hear it very much
If there is a recording of it, can you please let me know where we can get it from and how much it costs
Really hope there is one . . .
while all is true ,its important to realize that this was a talk to men ,however of course it takes two to build & only through dual effort could SHALOM BAYIS reign B ezrr”h
Everything else he said was great, but “Your wife is not a project, so don’t try to change her,”