“Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive me & Chaya to the Mall”
This is the title of a parenting book (where ‘Cheryl’ is used instead of ‘Chaya’) by Anthony E. Wolf which succinctly encapsulates much of the parent child dynamic which exists in this generation.
As parents, there’s nothing that we love more than our children. We make them yummy dinners, buy them their favorite snacks, give them rides, take them on vacations and much more.
And what do we often get in return?
Disrespect, manipulation, attitudes, entitlement and requests for more and more…
What’s wrong with this picture? Where did we go astray?
The answer lies in the sad and painful facts that:
1. The fundamental Mitzvah of Kibud Av Va’em has been horribly neglected in this generation and…
2. Secular parenting methods and influences have crept into our society and really blurred the lines between our children and ourselves.
Secular and ‘forward thinking’ schools of thought promote that parents and children have a warm and ‘cushy’ relationship…almost like friends.
While the Torah explicitly says:
“Kabed es avicha ve’es imecha” and “Ish imo ve’aviv tirau.”
A stark contrast indeed.
So now we would like to pose some questions to the reader.
Imagine…
If I were unequivocally in charge of my house, and I didn’t have to worry about my children’s negative reactions…
My kids would go to bed at…
What rules would I have in place about how they treated me and my wife?
About how they treat their siblings?
What jobs would they be doing to help in the house?
How many videos would they be watching or how much computer would they be playing?
These are amongst the questions posed to us at the first class of a new parenting series we joined last October.
Those questions were painful and real, positive responses to them seemed like a fantasy.
After having joined a parenting class, it has become a reality. To be clear, we’re not there yet, but we are around 85% closer. More importantly, we feel that we have the power to make any necessary changes we may need to, in our home.
To take a few steps back. We have six children B”H, the oldest being 14 and the youngest three. We are full time Chabad Shluchim who run the Friendship Circle of LA. Although we were good parents and really tried our best at teaching our children the right way; certain behaviors existed in our home that we just could not get rid of.
We thought, prayed, planned, re-planned, spoke to therapists and mashpi’im, read new books with new and modern approaches. Nothing worked.
We reached a point where it seemed that those behaviors were here to stay and we just hoped our kids would grow out of them.
So we prayed some more.
…and Hashem answered our prayers.
Sometime in early October of 2012, my wife Miriam saw a flier that said, ‘Raise the Bar Parenting,’ a New Parenting Series by Simi Yellen.
Who is Simi Yellen?
Simi Yellen has been an educator for 11 years. She has taught hundreds of mothers how to create a positive atmosphere in the home, and how to enrich the parent/child relationship in a very practical way.
So Miriam called her and had a few conversations with her and we decided to join.
It worked. It took a lot of hard work and commitment….but it worked.
Here’s why this approach truly ‘Raises the Bar’.
It is a) based on traditional Torah values; b) is very strategic and c) gives the proper tools to handle undesirable behaviors.
As a sneak preview:
Raise the Bar Parenting…
…has prerequisites that create a medium for success.
(For example…everything is done out of love and nothing is done out of anger)
…reestablishes the parent/child dynamic where parents are in charge, and parents and children are no longer on equal footing (or even lower).
This sets the stage to…
…realize the negative behaviors that need to leave our homes…some behaviors would ruin our moods and we didn’t even know why…now they are on our radar because they are defined,
…sensitize one to manipulation, which is so rampant,
…give one the tools to handle negative behaviors AS THEY COME in a positive, timely, dignified, instructive, loving but firm manner,
…teach one when to and when not to use consequences with a stress on getting our children to behave not to avoid a consequence, but from a deeper place where right and wrong are truly felt,
…teach one to give children the tools to cope with difficult and annoying situations (which is the cause of a lot of children’s intolerance of life and others),
…give a fascinating tool for siblings to work out the disputes in a dignified and communicative manner, where ‘who is right’ is not so important; rather, that the siblings can talk to each other with respect and come to a happy medium.
…creates mentchliche kids who, once they abandon their old habits, because they no longer get them what they want, are more respectful, happier and have more SELF-respect.
…create an environment in the home where positivity is real and the love for our children is effortless
…and much, much more.
The system works. We see it, our friends and neighbors see it, as well as the administrations at our children’s schools.
Were our kids bad? NO
Were we bad parents? NO
Are our kids much much better? YES
Are we much much better parents now? YES
Furthermore, the statistics speak for themselves. Of the 150 people in the February ‘Raise the Bar’ teleconference, 97% of survey respondents found the class to be very helpful, 9 out of 10 parents found their children’s behavior improved, and 8 out of 10 parents felt more confident and effective in handling misbehavior.
We highly encourage all of you to sign up for the upcoming teleconference beginning on Tuesday, July 2nd, at 9:00 EST (for children 5-15) and Wednesday, July 3rd at 9:00 EST (for children 2-5). The series is also available on mp3 and through phone recordings, if you can’t make the teleconference time.
Or if you live in LA, there is a class starting Wednesday, June 26th at 8:30 in La Brea and possibly one in Beverlywood.
Those interested in joining should email Simi Yellen at:
[email protected]
By improving the vital mitzvah of kibud av va’em may we be zoche to real ‘ve’heshim lav avos al banim ve’lev banim al avosam’ with the coming of Elyahu Hanavi who will finally announce the true and complete Geula. Amen.
This article was written by Rabbi Michy and Miriam Rav-Noy of Los Angeles. Directors of the Friendship Circle of Los Angeles
Someone brought up the topic and if I may digress a little from the main message of the article- this is not only detrimental to the parent-child relationship. When two friends are spending time together, especially planned time, it is so very disrespectful and insulting for one to be constantly talking, texting and playing with the phone for no urgent reason, while the more polite friend feels somewhat like a canceled stamp.
Thank you for posting this information about this parenting seminar. Times are changing, and we all need guidance in this crucial area.
I also recommend Manis Friedman’s recent talks on 11213 on parenting teenagers, which I found immensely practical and Miriam Levi’s book on parenting.
You can really change the atmosphere in your home with a little guidance. Go for it.
Thank you for opening up in order to help others. I am very encouraged by the article and I am planning to start this course iyH. This truly came from your heart and the readers should just say “THANK YOU.”
You are very brave to write this. Thanks!
Thank you #3 & #11 and #13 for your nice and encouraging comments. Have an easy fast.
Young adult women do need their space.
And, if they are telling other girls what not to listen to from their parents then they are wrong for that.
When chassidic Seminaries encourage the young adult women the right to have “space”and preach that girls need not hear what parents/ mothers have to say on any odd topic… – what can be expected?
Sorry, but unless you work for the NSA or FBI stating my name is irrelevant to this topic. Plus i’m a guy.
Exactly. What about child abuse?
It is clearly talking about bad behavior and better parenting.
I won’t put up with bad behavior that’s all I have to say.
It seems that every topic comes back to tznius.. So no 2 since you brought it up one thing to tell you…. The tznius ,as you call problem, is a result not a cause…..Have u stopped to see all the lying and fighting going on ? thats the result
Read the Garden of Education of Shalom Arush if you wnat to really understand that these prorams treat symptoms but no the root, your kids are a stcik on Hashem hands for your own personal corrections. However felt that you can came Home and your kids are wiyh anger and bad tantrum and the father might feel a victim that works hard, but what’s the lesson, why Hashem has these kids behavins this way? Hashem ask the person to personally do chesbon hanefesh as Tanya suggest and guess what, The dad was talking on the middle of krias hatorah or… Read more »
Rabbi Michy and Miriam, Thank you for such a heartfelt and personal article. Dvarim hayotzim mehalev, nichnas el halev. Most of us as parents very badly need parenting workshops such as this one. We put so much effort into our children, but many of us simply never had the opportunity to learn the necessary skills. So we struggle and struggle and struggle. And if you are NOT struggling, and think you are perfect, well that is a pretty bad sign. Yes there are exceptions, people who grew up in very stable homes, and had perfect modeling of what good parenting… Read more »
Would never put up with that type if behavior!
I guess that’s why I have 4 fabulous kids ( 3 of them teens) kah who give me so much nachas!
not all paremts are perfect and this article is a perfect example tto go by. it seems like simi yellin is an awesome perso
I’m not so sure that dividing the gap between parents and children is specifically a progressive idea – i think there may be somewhere where yhe rebbe speaks about this in a positive way / does anyone have ant sources?
this is part of our problem.)
Quoting: “…teach one when to and when not to use consequences with a stress on getting our children to behave not to avoid a consequence, but from a deeper place where right and wrong are truly felt,”
‘Deeper place?’
Where’s that?
Giving up your desire to dress like ‘non-Jews’ who have little or no conception of modesty.
Perhaps # 6 is one of these ladies?
Difficult to have ‘moser nefesh’ no?
Exercising ‘moser nefesh’ is the ‘road to holiness, goodness, happiness and ‘Moshiach!’
(And fine children — I have six, BA”H)
They are addicted to their phones, it’s mostly texting that distracts people though.
# 2 I did ‘stick to the topic.’
When many women in Crown Heights (With the help of their husbands) start to dress ‘tzniousdik’ then many problems will vanish between adults and children.
Children pick up a lot of ‘vibes.’ Un-‘tzniusdik’ dress is just the surface of a lack of ‘kedusha.’ The children sense and know this.
An increase in ‘kedusha’ will elevate the status of the homes and bring in more wisdom, light and joy.
Everything is connected to everything else. Education starts at home.
(All the rabbeim has spoken about this.)
Please stick to the topic of the article. You can write an op-ed piece like so many others.
Much hatzlocha. One very important thing to have in mind is to whom are our children oriented? Do they turn more towards their peers for things or more towards their parents?
Being a very involved parent does take time, sometimes more than we want to put in. That said, when your children associate more with you than their friends it strengthens the bond. Then they will turn to you for advice and instruction instead of using their teenage friends a mashpiim.
ok, why don’t you all spend 15 min of you lifes and look and see how many parents can’t go for a walk with their children without talking on the cell to someone else. what kind of children do you expect. have a nice day.
Bravo! Finally someone says about how we should be treated! rather than how we need to treat our children.! In this generation love means-give them what they want. Torah does NOT advocate that. We love our children, means we care deeply for them, and work hard for their well being but it doesn’t mean we are going to go along with their whims, their pressure etc. WE ARE THE PARENTS AND WE KNOW BETTER!
One thing I noticed about Crown Heights, is that there’s an unhealthy percentage of mothers who don’t dress ‘tznius.’ Skirts above the knee and tight also. Just a little ‘mussar:’ This neighborhood was started by and supported by ‘The Frediker Rebbe’ and ‘The Lubavitcher Rebbe,’ MH”M. One thing they wanted very much was that ‘Halacha’ shoud be followed, particularly re: ‘tznius.’ So, if certain women (Including the husbands of these ‘untznius’ women) can’t respect the wishes of these two very great leaders, why should they be surprised when their children don’t respect them? These parents shouldn’t have such high expectations… Read more »
30min minimum per day focused on thinking (and thereby detecting problems and solutions re) chinuch the proper way
most issues down the line are preventable with awareness and early intervention with guidance from yedidm mevinim