To my fellow out-of-towner,
I am also an out-of-towner. A real, hardcore out-of-towner. As in, I don’t go home every other Shabbos, and my family life is a solid 4 hour plane ride away (excluding taxi time and airport security). When I get homesick, I don’t book my next train ride home but rather dial my mother’s cell, let it all out, and then suck it right back in.
I have learned to be content with meeting my baby sister two months after she was born, and watching the little ones in my family give me nothing more than a shy smile upon my arrival home. And to the travel time and the homesickness, to the urgent need to grow up, to the obligation to always be in a good mood, to be thankful, to be nice, to be polite. To the laundry, the babysitting to buy shampoo and toothpaste, the constant presence of those you are not comfortable around; to these I can relate. After all, I live out of town, and such are my realities.
But after reading your article “In Town, Out of Touch” stating the lack of sensitivity projected towards us children, I felt compelled to write. After all, I’ve also had dealings with Nevel.
Nevel; a community of incredible people who host an endless amount of seminary, yeshiva, and overseas guests. Families who open up their homes time and time again for strangers, and people in need. But you should know Nevel–the people you invest the most quiet effort in, are the people who appreciate you the most…
…When you invite me time and time again, despite my constant embarrassed no thank you’s.
…When my meal is canceled three hours before Shabbos and you respond to my timid text of, “is my invitation still open?” with a thrilled “of course!!”, as if you wanted nothing better from your day than to hear such good news.
…When you constantly make sure that I am happy with my morning class and am getting enough sleep.
…When you find out I have nowhere to eat this week, and you remind me that I have rejected your invite way too many times and “no questions asked!” was expected tonight. When my mother is phoned to be made aware of my setbacks, my progress, and my potential.
…When I show up without invitation and you assume that my invite had simply slipped your mind. When you stretch yourself way beyond your limit, mentally and physically.
To you, Nevel, I say thank you. I say thank you for providing me with warmth, I say thank you for providing me a place to call home in these four years that will shape me to who I will become, for unconditionally opening up your homes and hearts to me.
And each time I return home, it is not with horror stories of my time in Nevel, but rather with stories of endless kindnesses and hachnasas orchim, urging my family to learn from this one’s gigantic dining room table, and another’s quiet sensitivity to a failing student. I return boasting about the community, my special teachers, and about the few blocks that are, for the time being, my life.
And to my school, I say: thank you. Thank you for caring, thank you for allowing me to extend my plane ticket until after Shabbos, thank you for organizing countless programs to ease my adjustment into this new world.
And to my teachers, I say: thank you. Thank you for remaining with me after school to make up what I missed upon my returning home, thank you for taking the time to phone my mother on my progress she is so proud to hear of, thank you for allowing me to retake the test I was absent for in the privacy of your own home.
And to my friends’ parents, I say: thank you. Thank you for urging your daughter to invite her out of town friends for a Shabbos meal, for stopping them in the store to find out how their trip home was, for inquiring which of them need a place for Yom Tov.
How lucky I feel to have Nevel in my life. A place outstanding in its commitment to nurturing chassidus, a place bursting with families who constantly go out of their way for us children, for the ‘insignificant out-of-towners.’ The ones you will not receive public credit for, and the ones who might eventually forget you. Thank you.
And to you, my fellow out of towner, I say: I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had such an experience, I am sorry that you were forced to deal with the minority of people here who just don’t care, and I’m sorry you have not been privileged to recognize the greatness of this place called Nevel – the place I proudly recognize as family.
Sincerely,
E.C.
oot=out of town
this artical is just plain mean and nasty! how dare you!
and i have lived away from home for 6 years it is an 18 hr plane ride with out taxis and airports. and crown heights is not always so easy but so to nowhere is easy at first!
Perhaps your too small minded to see the bigger picture. If the first girl was infact talking about Melbourne I wouldnt be surprised. There is indeed a warm community but it does not take away from the fact that they seem completely oblivious of reality, as you so clearly point out…
seems like you have duplicated what was said ! Just in a longer format.
But the first writer could be talking about crown heights. There are nine year old oot in ch- here to get a chassidic chinuch in the Rebbe’s daled Amos – who are living in rented rooms and being parented by phone – we need a dorm for oot girls
yes, it did hit a raw nerve. Many people are now talking about Melbourne and this issue. It is a raw nerve just as those who think the article was written about C.H. are upset by it. If it’s a general issue, then just write write the article without “alluding” to or casting aspersions on any specific city or community. . I did not say this person has “major” issues, I said she seems to have serious issues. She seems shy and as she said “somewhat socially inept”. I did not label or call anyone “mature or immature”. I said… Read more »
I do not think the writer was in anyway “bashmutzing” an entire community!
Making people aware of an important issue that is prevalent in many communities, not just your Nebvel/Melbourne, does not mean the writer has major issues that need attention.
Feel free to label and name call as you please ( it shows little about the niceties of ones character) but please comprehend what you read before taking it so personally.
Or is there perhaps a reason you took it so personally?
Did the author of the first article hit a raw nerve perhaps.
I think as a “mature” adult you perhaps have a long way to maturing.Telling a girl who is highlighting the need for people such as yourself ,to open your eyes to the very current situation and see what needs to be done for these students is not a need for getting self help!
What did the Baal shem tov say something along the lines of looking at the mirror and identifying the problem you see in others as YOUR own.
It is CH, you got it all wrong the first girl was speaking about the ch comunity in general. The second girl was speaking about Melbourne.
CH is an amazing place, noone I know is denying it.
There’s just a teensy weensy problem, and that’s that the first girl wasn’t talking abt CH bichlal…COL please don’t give misleading impressions with your opening lines!
Just because this author is so optimistic it doesnt make her right, to the contrary it causes a false peace of mind in the readers that they are such tzadikim, although it may be true that many families have opend their homes in various communities it DOES NOT NEGATE what the first author said in any way shape or form, I can bear testimony to that…
you realise the original aritcle was abt melbourne and not crown heights yeh?
After reading both articles and the ensuing responses, I feel I need to comment. I married an Australian and have lived in Melbourne for over 25 years. I came here and had NO family. The community was lovely and embraced me with open arms. My children have grown up and married and are now on shlichus all over the world. As someone in the “shidduchim stage”, I can tell you that “Nevel” does not have an “open sesame” to all “gheze and Lubavitch families. Our wonderful children who have grown up far away from their families and Rebbe, are many… Read more »
If those of you who responded so negatively to the first writer would comprehend what you read, you would not be so quick to see her as “negative”. She writes she is grateful to those that opened their homes and hearts. She understands not everyone is in a position to have an open house. She writes she has nothing to gain as she has finished the system. She simply is highlighting the need for schools from the hanhola , staff and the parent body to open their eyes and be sensative and empathetic to the YOUNG out of town students.… Read more »
I hate to sound dumb, but what is Nevel?
Good suggestion for guests to offer to help with Shabbos/Yom
Tov preparations if possible. Some hosts would really
appreciate it and take you up on it.
I apologize. I think u have every right to feel that way based on your experience. I shouldn’t have been that harsh without knowing or respecting your opinion. I am truly sorry and take back what I wrote in #33. Please forgive me.
The first author was experiencing obvious pain. you dont have to agree with her or even like her but I believe one of the qualities in a chassid is the ability to be empathic. Yes the second author was positive but as a response to the first author it seemed to be just a little bit of a slap in the face for the experiences she went through
Wow thank you. Very true, it’s not right how ch yeshivas have really bad food on shabbos
Wow good point. Thanks you I think that Melbourne should be more welcoming to the people who come to visit and those who are in yg. I think it’s a great idea that yeshivas shouldn’t serve us really bad chicken on shabbos. It’s a holy day and we can’t celebrate it the right way with out a place to eat. Thank you Melbourne for all the great work you do!!!
Great PR JOB FOR CROWN HEIGHTS!!!
Its always easier to be optimistic when your glass is half full !
Ever hear the saying :that you can’t understand someone till you walk in theri shoes- ” (at #39 ??)
She’s finding the good in all situations. The first girl should take a lesson instead of complaining!
crown heights is not the only place with out of towners…
To all those people in ch who make it a point to host out of towners and care so much. It really is appreciated
just bc u hav connections doesnt mean everybody does!
I am sorry you feel this way. I will not comment if this is overly positive or a little exaggerated….
No one decided what is real or not.
Even though I personally love C.H., the people who are their and most of the guests who come. One thing for sure if you know how to make the best of things (as we are in Gules), you will be much happier more fun to be around and most likely more successful.
Wishing you a good Shabbos.
To COL Thanks again
what exactly do the words “married off” mean? To me the connotation is “got rid of”.Just how it strikes me and I could be wrong.I get the impression there are challenges to have big families and then finding mates,etc.I get that. It is just the few words that give me a negative feel. Anyone else feel this way?
what you fail to realize is that this is so overly positive that it loses any reality to it!Read again. The first one may be the other extreme. There is truth depending on the person and the community and probably changes over time and reality lies in the middle. But to read two extreme cases and then decide oh this is the real thing, is just as immature and silly as the response.
I, OOTer was in Yeshiva for over 4 years in CH and I say,
YOU ARE AMAZING!!!
I wouldn’t wirte names, because i’m afraid to forget some of them. but even after coming back to my home town, CH remain my 1st home.
L.Y.G. – France
If you don’t like nevel try klimovich
She’s trying to defend the community and show that not everyone is uninviting. She’s trying to point out there is hospitality and it’s not all glum. This doesn’t discount the original author’s feelings but just shows another perspective.
Hatzlacha to both of you!
I wish I knew who you were! This article an everything written is incredible. Every point is more and more true. I am also an out of towner and truly appreciate all those “open homes”
Thank you for responding the truth
Mushka
To those of us not from the holy city of Melbourne ,What is OOt??
We try to have as many guests as we can but sometimes I resent coming home from school helping, cleaning and cooking and the out of towners come back to crown heights after shopping in Manhattan to a delicious meal served to them , Just a thought.
can someone explain exactly what you are referring to as “Nevel”. although i know of the original Nevel, but seems like i am missing something, please explain the connection?
please remember unless there is someone who arranges it, there is no way that I can invite a bochur or a girl if I don’t even know about them people need to be very careful before they accuse there are b”h guests non-stop in crown heights thousands, blia yin hara, that are absorbed with room and board for free, into the homes in CH if I don’t have kids in your age group then the only way for me to have you over is if someone asks It can be a student organization or school organization, but before you talk… Read more »
I am proud to say that I have boarders….sleepover guests….anytime guests that come in to eat, for support yet the only people that complain are the boarders, they constantly complain to their parents that supper was macaroni and cheese and they’re forced to buy food etc….alot of people who come to Nevel think that everything is owed to them, they need to be treated like gold and we need to have space, give time to our growing families, have jobs, lots of $ to accomodate all this and just keep on giving….put yourself in our shoes…..it hurts to hear complaints!!!… Read more »
To be ignored by the town……. My family is from the original nevel situation and grew up abused and ignored by our own relatives who were much more comfortable than my parents, and because we were very poor and probably had slight learning disabilities, our hanhala added to the abuse. Many years later, some of us still suffer with shudduchim etc….but as a mature adult, I learned that G-D Helps those who help themselves. And just because you are on shlichus, don’t think the whole world will start raising your kids… …Everyone carries their own peckel, and can’t necessarily also… Read more »
To No. 1 you are wrong. At a first glance with out knowing the writer I would grab this Positive girl for my son. This is a girl who is going places. The first writer will have it more difficult. “Azeh who Ushir Hasamaach B’chelko”. A four hour plane trip will not add or take away in my Decision making. I have married off more then one child and I am still in the process of marring off other children. To the writer. I envy you. You are a true Chossid of the Rebbe. Crown hights is one of the… Read more »
although schools are busy with their students day to day, based on the needs of so many of our own out of towners, it may be worthwhile to have someone in charge/hired to arrange a support group/infrastructure that will give the oots the sense of family they need and deserve.
there should be an Ahavas Yisroel shabbos a few times a year on auspicious chabad dates for out of towners to be “spoiled” and “pampered” and made to feel that Kahn tziva Hashem es Habracha.
a Shlucha
How about connecting them? It would be such a mitzvah for the 2nd author to introduce some of her wonderful families to the first author.
Ahavas Yisrael is all about helping each other, as a community and as individuals.
how is melbourne not used to OOT? what about OC and YG? what about the shluchim kids?
I’m guessing it was full of complaints about how selfish and hardhearted we are & how we don’t take care of OOT students. Just to put some perspective based on THIS article – if a family has older boys, they don’t (shouldn’t) invite girls. We don’t. we have lots of single bochurim coming over. There are times when I find strangers sleeping in my spare room. One came for one night, he ended up staying over a week,. we fed him, he borrowed our car & he did his laundry here (I drew the line at doing it for him)… Read more »
Is a huge quality to see things that are not always good in a positive way!!
Hatzloche Raba!!
A classic case of seeing the glass half full. Kol Hakavod to you. You can ALWAYS find good and bad in a situation. You make the right choice.
they are not living in the same place, the first girl was talking about melbourne and this girl is referring to C.H; very nice to hear this girls positive experiences, but, I do want to make readers aware of MANY MANY out of town singles, that live in C.H usually for shidduch purposes, and are often very alone. Eating carrots and hummus in your basement or apartement on shabbos just makes the already difficult shidduch scene experience that much worse. Those who have single girls or boy relatives that eat by you, INSIST that they bring friends who may not… Read more »
THe hachnosas orchim was UNBELIEVABLE. Nowhere else can compare. I had 4 standing invitations and many more periodic ones. I saw a great number of beautiful Shabbos tables.
But….
The principal who ignored me until my mother initiated an appointment to talk about the problems I was having, then proceeded to lambast my mother about how terrible I was, leaving her in tears, then tell me to go get my bags IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, as I was now being switched to another class…
That part of Nevel I don’t miss.
I’m an out of towner, lived in crown heights for high school, I would like to thank all crown heights families for always having door open and make me feel comfortable!
It made such a differance to my life there and ch is for sure my 2nd home!
🙂
beautifully written- Kol hakavod!
BH
BSD
DO WE ALL BELIEVE IN HA’MAYCHIN MITZAHDAY GUHVER?
and what about
AHL PI HASHEM YEESUH’U V’YAHVAHNU?
This girl is NOT from the same place. And if you would have read the first article properly, you would have read the respect that the first author had for HER ‘Nevel’ she knew it was a great place, but shame that the children who need it most don’t feel it. The frist article was written voicing ALL the out of towners of that city. They all know each other and are siblings and friends. They bonded out of necessity. The first girl wrote her article on behalf of her fellow out-of-towners and not just about herself. She took experiences… Read more »
Just because you, little-miss-perfect, had it all doesn’t change the reality of the first girl. Why did you write this? To stuff it in her face? If you want to thank ppl, THANK them. This doesn’t count.
Wow, what a self-righteous “response”. The original writer of the article felt very lonely and mistreated. Not everybody is as popular as you, miss; or, lucky. “Al tadin es chavercha ad she’tagia limkomo” Do not judge your fellow until you have reached his place.” (Pirkei Avos 2:4)
Here you have two out of towners, living in the same place for a couple years, yet each from a different angle. If only the first girl wouldn’t seen the same Nevel as this author…
this shouldnt cancel out the fact that many of the out of towners dont have places to eat ect.. you happened to be lucky
then the countless streets that the first girl stayed on with different families, reflects just how many families are willing to have boarders in their homes! (in a community that is not used to the OOT phenomenon)
Bh for you but that doesn’t change how the original author feels
As a fellow out a towner who has been living in crown heights for a few years i also wanna say a huge thank you to all the wonderful crown heightzers who have graciously opened their arms to us oots!
See when it comes to a shidduch if they will be mishadach with you.