Jan 31, 2013
Catching On "Controlling" Issues
A Crown Heights organization will advise bochurim and yungeleit to identify controlling behavior from women during dating or marriage.
Press release from Adai Ad Institute:
The Adai Ad Institute, co-founded by Moshe and Faigie Rubashkin and Devora Krasnianski, was established to provide programming and education to strengthen marriages and ease the Shidduchim process.
They listen to really understand the concerns of those involved in shiduchim and address the underlying issues, through education, awareness and advocacy.
Beginning with its signature 'First Points' course, the Adai Ad Institute continues to grow with more workshops and other Shidduchim and marriage related services in the future.
As they hear about more issues related to marriages, Adai Ad works to address those too. Unfortunately Domestic Abuse is a problem in our community too. And education and awareness can prevent some cases.
This past month they presented a workshop for single and young married women about Recognizing the Behaviors and Attitudes of Controlling Men - and what you can do to deter them.
In that workshop, Mrs. Devorah Levin, LMHC described the profile and some of the tactics of abusive men and spoke of the secret terror, distress, and confusion of wives who live with a man who controls, manipulates or abuses them. She explained various warning signals of potentially controlling relationships that may surface during the dating process or early in marriage.
An event special for bochurim and young married men will take place on Sunday, February 10 (30 Shevat) at 8:00 PM, on recognizing potentially controlling behaviors an attitudes during dating and early marriage.
Dovid Kohn, LCSW, CASAC will present a similar workshop for men about Recognizing potentially controlling behaviors and attitudes during dating and early marriage.
Kohn, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Addictions Counselor, is a Clinical Supervisor at The Safe Foundation, Inc.
Domestic Abuse, whether emotional, physical or otherwise, is unfortunately a reality for men as well. The abuse can take many forms of power and control, including using intimidation, isolation, threats, coercion, putting the other spouse down, and other violence which can make them feel petrified in their own home. And of course, this negatively affects the children too.
Sometimes, the warning signs are there at the very beginning, but they are not understood or they are minimized or ignored or excused. They may even be read as care and concern which masks the underlying problematic understandings of a healthy marriage.
Education and awareness of these behaviors and attitudes which sometimes can be detected early is an important tool for daters.
Rabbi Levi Garelik, a posek in Crown Heights who deals with unfortunately troubled marriages, strongly encourages young men to learn about the devastation of domestic abuse and how to prevent it.
This event will be held at the Rubashkin residence at 1349 President Street. This session is relevant to bochurim, young married men and those who want to learn more so that they can be a support to someone who is in this situation. Suggested donation $5.
To find out more, visit adaiad.org
I wonder if there will be a third session in which someone can point out how a controlling spouse sets off a chain reaction with the other spouse using counter-controlling behaviour, setting off a circular destructive force, not unlike the spiral of a toilet bown flush, and down the drain the potential for meaningful relationship goes.
Abuse is an abused word. But certainly the lack of respect for the other spouse has offender and victim on both sides of the gender table.
(Of course I'm not suggesting that all women are abusive, just that plenty are capable of abuse and too many are)
I took the First Points course and the presenter and the course were very informative and helpful, and everyone was sensitive and caring.
Thank you Adai Ad,
A First Points Alumna
HOWEVER, no qualms about it, when you speak of psychological, emotional pain, hurt, abuse, the woman is looked at, there is the understanding from the female part, that she can play around with the emotions of a man, much worse then any kind of physical abuse that a man can cause.
I say this for the one simple reason, why is this for men only?
I am at a loss here,
nevertheless, I wish the group much success hoping it will bring much Sholom Bayis to all that needs it
Hatzlacha
thank you # 2 "exactly"
Hatslacha Rabba on this long overdue work.
People need to wake up! This is a real problem. It's about time the community is starting to take steps to stand up to this type of abuse. Education is the key. Wish I had known more before I got married!
Although in most cases the problem is on the man side, there more then few case when in its with the women.
Kudos to having workshops on how to recognize this kind of behavior before committing to a relationship - it's crucial to be aware and savvy to any telltale signs of an abusive personality. The nature of the shidduch system is such that, overall it works for the normal person, but is also a great place for abusive people and those with personality disorders to hide behind - weren't we all on our best behavior while dating? I never saw the abusive traits before the marriage...but there were other signs of instability, and dysfunctionality, and i brushed them off, naively so - I was sorely unknowledgeable about it. i hope these workshops go a long way to preventing pain and heartache and damage.
i.e. I have this issue and am very controlling
when we first marries,l'd throught he had some nutty things,but let it pass,basicly he just wasn't there,being a b.t,no family,loneiness just was overwheming,l throught that was the way it was suppose to be,it was hard,'cause means a lot to me,it's now 30 years,and l just call this home a tradgy,l did call dr,adahan,she didn't get back to me yet,there's no simcha here,l had suggested reb mendel marozov to my husband,'cause l can't get through for intutitive counceling,he calls me bully and frankly if l didn't take controll,nothing would get done,l can write you a book, l finially lost my cool and said with all your brains,your dumb,stupid,he lost and l've tried very hard to get him someone to work with him
Kol hakovod to adaiad.
where can one get to see the talk by devorah Levin?
Also, I don't think every time someone shouts at their spouse they are being abusive.
Perspective is needed. There exists a distinction between true abuse and abusive actions. Every person man woman and child has did/does express abusive behavior occasionally. One a person is pushed to the edge of his discomfort he/she may lash back with sharp words, threats or even physical violence. All these fall into the category of abusive behavior, exist in everyone's palate of moods and behaviors and none of these are tell-tale signs of an abusive relationship.
Abusive relationship is usually wrongly defined. People usually define it as sharp words or behaviors. The true definition is, however, that the spouse is living with dread and a constant fear not stemming from own's inadequacies but inflicted by the other spouse, through threats, control etc. The fear that if "I don't comply now, he/she will do even worse to me."
Abuse is not about any of the following: control over money, swearing, belittling. These are all abusive behaviors, (which are wrong but are not grounds for separation/divorce, rather are matters that need to be tended to) real abuse is about making on'es spouse live in dread, fear etc. and that DOES NOT exist in 20% of homes.
And to make a fine distinction between an "abusive person" vs. "abusive behavior" may be great for a philosophy debate, but for the recipient of the abuse it is irrelevant and ludicrous - the damage is no less regardless of what label you want to put on it. In fact it's a great excuse for someone to hide behind..."I'm not abusive, I just act abusively sometimes"! It may be useful to the perpetrator, or for the therapist if there is one... but it is an injustice to the victim... A slight comparison may be had with how the law distinguishes between murder and manslaughter - one is an intentional act and the other is by accident - this distinction may define how the courts deal with the criminal, but it makes zero difference to the victim - dead is dead! And the crime is only manslaughter if it occurs ONCE, repeated crimes of the same nature are no longer an accident! Real abuse is rarely a one-time event and therefore is NOT an accident! Acting out abusively once may be a very regretable error - the same behavior repeated after that, it is a deliberate CHOICE!
Or more appropriately, one can ask - if you are trying to argue a distinction between an "abusive person" and someone who "behaves abusively", therefore, can one say that there is a difference between a child molestor and one who has child molesting behavior???? Would you accept that distinction? I don't think so....
And then there is this prevalence to think in terms of shared responsibility when it comes to abusive relationships... Abuse is NOT a shared responsibility! To suggest otherwise gives the abusor an easy excuse - "see, it isn't my fault - she/he made me do it" or "I wouldn't have done it if she/he hadn't done ___", etc. That's why couples therapy doesn't work for abuse - unless someone is willing to take FULL ownership of their wrongful behavior they will never change - NEVER! Because changing this kind of behavior is extremely hard....and no, I do not agree that everyone is a potential abuser, or resorts to abusive behavior once in a while! The majority of people do NOT cross that line! The "abusive person" AND the person "with abusive behavior" do not need extreme circumstances, the simplest of things can push them over the line because they don't see "the line" as a boundary to stop them, but rather an excuse to cross over it.
You don't let your husband go?
Is he so obedient to you?
Why?
Please tell me your secret, is it punishment or he loves you so much he bends to your demands?
You must be quite a woman to have such a meek husband.
Every parent should make sure their child watches before the first date.
Every shadchan should make sure every client watches before the first date.
And every person who is dating should be able to "break off" dating with no pressure to continue if any danger signs are detected. If that is on the first date, fine, if while engaged, well as you can see from the above, better a broken engagement than a divorce. And if after a wedding? Umm...do any of you know what it is like to be in an emergency room with a beaten person? Yes, it DOES get THAT BAD! Save yourselves and get out! It isn't the easy way, it is the only way to secure your life!