Nov 22, 2012
Shallowness or Plain Rudeness?
Shidduchim SOS: Why would a mother with an eligible daughter treat a prospective girl for her son with minimal respect?
I am writing this article as anonymous simply so as not to embarrass the woman who inspired it. I feel, however, that this story must be related to all of you with children in shidduchim.
My kids are all married B"H and I am not an official shaddchanis. I am a mother who helps her family and friends in any which way I can with this difficult time.
The frustration and hurt I felt, after the incident I want to tell you about, was great, and I feel for all of you out there who have gone through this too many times and couldn't even voice your anger in case it would "look bad."
A couple of weeks ago I emailed an old friend of a friend, let's call her Rochel, and asked about her son who is a chassidishe boy, sincere and a good learner.
She said he was "busy" and I made a mental note to email again in a couple of weeks. Then she asked who I was suggesting. I answered that I will not share information about a girl while your son is dating another one.
After some time went by, I emailed her again last week, and wonderful, she said "my son is not busy now, so tell me about your idea."
I told her about Mushky, a wonderful, frum, chassidish, slim, lovely and cute girl from a good family that is warm, loving, nice and good people, I told her. Rochel then asked for a resume and picture.
Her mother Chana objected strongly to the moral idea of the picture. She felt that after the boy's family makes some calls and shows interest, then she will try to persuade her daughter Mushky, who was not pleased about the idea of a photo either.
Mushky objected to the idea of a bochur - or his mother - who would say "yes" or "no" based on a photo. She also estimated that the mother would probably not show the picture to her very chassidishe son, but will make her own judgement call.
We emailed the resume without the picture, and asked for a resume of their son as well. A prompt reply came back asking, "where is the picture?"
I explained that the other side felt that after all the inquiries are done and they are interested, a photo can be sent. I figured she would understand as she also has a daughter of her own in shidduchim (for quite a while).
After several days without a response, I contact her again and she notified that, "I thought you would send a picture, and you didn't, and there was another girl who came up, so we are looking into her now..."
Now, I ask you, on how many levels is this all wrong? Is there a question after reading this why we are all in such tzoros with shidduchim?
1. If mothers would stop for one minute and realize that they should treat girls that are suggested for their sons the same way they would like their daughters to be treated, perhaps it would be easier.
2. Everyone is entitled to choose whoever they want or find fitting, but do not make judgment calls based on a photo - especially before making even one phone call to hear about the person's personality and character!
I wish this Rochel luck in finding a shidduch for her son and daughter. I hope she doesn't expect people to show her more respect than what she gives to others.