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Thursday, 27 Adar I, 5784
  |  March 7, 2024

Please Don’t Fool Yourself

Shidduchim SOS: I may not be a good writer at all, but as a single girl, I would like to shed light on the supposed "shidduch crisis." If my message will get through to at least one person - it's all worth it. Full Story

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attraction
July 25, 2014 4:12 pm

There is something called attraction. There’s nothing shallow about putting in time to look attractive-dress well, take time to put makeup and wear well-fitting clothes. Even walking to burn those calories. Along with fine character and G-ds help you will be fine!

to #23 and #30
July 11, 2010 7:29 pm

i totally agree with # 30 you have some good points but what type of person is happy without the love of there soul mate eventhough you have kids so you want to stay together and not divorce so you can keep the kids from bieng sccared your still not happy… there is no such thing that love fades away if that was the case why would there be people getting divorced ? you dont love the person but why not stay together is that it? i believe that to keep a marriage intact is love as one of the… Read more »

to 75
July 7, 2010 12:59 am

True that.
Thats why I think this picture thing is pathetic…its like your goin out with the person….you also want to predict what they look like. And if you don’t, why do you wanna see the pic?
Ppl judge, thats what we do, there is no way you can go into a date without preconceived notions about the persons looks when you see that picture. Is research not enough?

to 58
July 6, 2010 11:10 pm

And if I would choose to go out with boys based on their pictures, then I would never go out on dates!!!! so there

To #73
July 6, 2010 12:55 pm

thank you for clarifying. Love in general is a pretty big and general word. You know what real love is? when you see an 80 year old couple walking downt e street. The husband is wheel chair bound and his wife is pushing him along. It takes a long time to get to that point. So yes i thihnk thats important and I believe a marriage needs that love and attraction. In the begining though, it does start as love thats depends on a reason and hopefully grows deeper and deeper. thats why I’m saying that the love and attraction… Read more »

To #71
July 6, 2010 3:11 am

Ok let me make something clear, as far as I am concerned I am not that stereo typical shallow person that you were reffering to…I made it clear in the begining that that “pretty” and “beauty” are INCLUSIVE with personality…It’s a combination which excludes anyone that is a *itch… Next is I think we both agree but have different interpretations for words, tell me if I am wrong…for example… When you say that “attraction” and “love” cannot be a foundation for a marriage… YOU- Attraction- Attracted to the physicallity, i.e. eye color, proportions, weight… Love- Loving the physical beauty of… Read more »

AN OLD FOGEY speaks out
July 5, 2010 2:53 pm

B’h Concerning looks whilst I agree it is needed. It’s all relative who I will find handsome you may find downright ugly since with sight taste smell we are different B’h. Can you imagine if we all were the same YIKES. 2. There is nothing that a little’ facepaint’ can’t fix up. Garaunteed some of us need more then others but we girls could all use it. 3. Weight most normal people do not need to have a certain size when they marry it’s the overall look that they will or will not be impressed by. Yes I at 5-10… Read more »

To #70
July 5, 2010 1:48 pm

I’m glad you put it all out there. I don’t think guys are to blame. But like you said, look at the statistics. I don’t think that you should go out with somebody if you find them repulsive, but like you said, it begins with love and attraction. That is so wrong and a big problem today in relationships is exactly that. That is why they don’t last. If that is your foundation and your begining than its also the end. I understand you want a pretty girl and fat is repulsive, thats normal. Also, people want ‘the like.’ Meaning,… Read more »

I am a Bochur...(That lost a lot of weight)...
July 5, 2010 2:12 am

I am sorry, but this girl sounds clueless..Yes you must build a Bayis Nee’man Biyisroel, but it can only begin with attraction, and love, yes love grows stronger (hopefully) over time… “Pretty” “beauty” is all inclusive with looks and personality… So it seems very innocent to say just go out even if she isn’t so pretty at first glance, but the problem here is you are not realizing the double standard over here…A bochur (who has money from where?) should go out with any girl thrown at him and pay for the night, (hundreds of dollars he does not have)… Read more »

to #37
July 4, 2010 8:27 pm

If you are fat, then go on a diet! Fatness is something you can control – if you’re ugly, then plastic surgery is expensive! But you can go on a diet for free – just eat less!

gerim
July 4, 2010 11:12 am

bs’d

have a ger in the family now
could not have asked for more of a mentsch
our judgemental attitude keeps us stuck in a golus mindset

Girls looking for Mr Macho Hunk as a priority. too should look in Vegas.
July 4, 2010 3:26 am

The girls mindset: Why should girls in todays day and age rush into marriage there are so many opportunitys for her. Teaching shlichus etc. why the rush? Look when she has accumulated some of her own money her own independance etc Also why by that time settle for less she has become more powerful so she is looking for a man thats such.
SO in my opinon women should stop looking for Mr Macho Hunk full of it guy, if thats the case then let them too look in Vegas.

im a bochur
July 4, 2010 3:25 am

i agree a thousand % that the beauity of agirl comes from with in and unfortunally ppl (boys) dont sometimes realize that & there for have to b trained & not to chas vshalom distracted by the external lies

to # 62
July 4, 2010 1:58 am

well said if you open a club i will a fan

to 12
July 4, 2010 1:28 am

Lol. I was thinking the same thing… and i’m single

suggestion
July 4, 2010 12:11 am

To all the people writing about meeting someone at a shabbos table there is a program in long island where an older and responsible couple will host a couple of guys and girls at their shabbos table in the hopes that they will hit it off with one of the opposite gender this way they get to mingle with people they might have turned down had they just seen them “on paper” but it is in a supervised and kosher way. Perhaps it is something that crown heights can benefit from?

to #50 and to #61
July 2, 2010 3:48 pm

to # 50 you right as a bochur i tryed and i gave up on shiduchim, the shadchonim d’ont care about even if they know you are like a number for them or an amount of $$$ for them, and @ the end of the day they is no real love today, everything is “ahava shehi teluya bedovoor” so ” botel dovor betela ahava” they marry you for your money or for your family not for who you realy are, so like the authur said “there are more girls then boys” so beacose the girls are despert to get married… Read more »

to #50
July 2, 2010 12:54 pm

that is soo not true!!! i dont know where you get that from!! maybe that was just your wife but all girls are definitly not like that!! you are just decouraging boys to get married!!! and btw to the auther i really think that love and attraction is part of getting married, you get attracted to the boy then you look in to him!! thats the way i think anyway!! btw the person who wrote #35 you really know what your talking about!!! sometimes the parents get to in the way with things like that!! i definetly give you credit… Read more »

Great Article
July 2, 2010 12:21 pm

very well written

to #57
July 2, 2010 12:02 pm

I don’t think anyone really thinks that way…that is troublesome. Everybody wants to have a happy marrieage with love. I think the point is, that love is not the bottom line> Meaning, don’t get married for love, that comes and goes. G-d willing if both parties put themselves into it wholeheartidly then the love they share will stay and spice it up. But love and attraction is not the basis, its all inclusive. If its a good marriage, the love comes right along. But good marriage doesn’t come or happen just because two people of the opposite gender ‘love’ or… Read more »

we have to discriminate
July 2, 2010 11:55 am

as a bochur who pays his own way in shidduchim if i went out with every girl that comes up i would be broke. if i think that a in a picture the girl doesnt look good i wont go out.

good article, but...
July 2, 2010 11:43 am

you write, “when all is said and done, what will keep a marriage together is not neccesarily the love and attraction. That comes and goes.” my dear, all i can say is that if the love is not what keeps the marriage thriving, and indeed if it comes and goes, you are going to be in big, big trouble!

Well written
July 2, 2010 10:43 am

you CAN write well!

New Generation? 8th Generation in Lubavitch?
July 2, 2010 9:59 am

Did anyone notice how this innocent young lady so naturally described her generation as a new generation. She happens to be right. But what happened to the 7th generation? LAst generation of golus and first of redemption? There clearly is a new generation in Lubavitch, an 8th generation if you will, but just like there are only 7 days in the week, there are only 7 generations, but like Shabbos, the 7th generation includes two aspects, the 7th and 8th (see the mamarim on Parshas Shmini through almost all of Raboseinu Nesieinu). Folks, we are in a critical point of… Read more »

to #35
July 2, 2010 9:19 am

You are right! If a person is interested in another after meeting them in a sociable environment like a shabbos table at a friends house for example why not go for it??? Young people should not be afraid to mention to their parents that they met someone and would like to officially go on a date with them. If the parents get a name and they do their own “investigation” then what is the problem. The traditional way does not always work for everyone. Healthy and wonderful marriages do not only happen when done through shadchan. People must open their… Read more »

???
July 2, 2010 6:59 am

NOTHING new mentioned….
…..and I found this article rather childish and silly!

Points to ponder and more
July 2, 2010 4:42 am

#28 Well put!!! My dear authoress, it sounds like you are extremely frustrated, I don’t blame you finding the right person to marry is hard, exhausting and tedious! It sounds like you vented on a peice of paper (or word document) and sent it in. While your frustration is legitimate, lets get real: You absolutely MUST be attracted to the person you marry otherwise your marriage to start with is a recipe for disaster. As I have been on the dating scene for quite a few years, divorced with a child, I empathize, its tough for anyone. If anyone has… Read more »

to 25
July 2, 2010 4:06 am

there is nothing wrong with a guy wanting a pretty girl, but when its at the top of his list, thats when it becomes a problem. pretty is on the inside neways, you can have a beautiful girl, but once you get to know her, she can be not nice and she isnt so beautiful anymore. visa versa, you can get to know an ugly looking person and they can have a fantastic personality and all of the sudden they dont look so bad. I can tell you this first hand experience. we once had this guy eat in our… Read more »

to hard
July 2, 2010 3:15 am

i was married but not divorce, and i have the solution for the problem, d’ont get married, married life is to hard, girls are dryving you crazy, one day they want this tomorow they want something else stay single enjoy life, nobody boders you is the best, if you see a nice girl, d’ont think how nice she is, think she is a boder for you and then you will forget about girls and your life will be so much better

why worry?
July 2, 2010 1:15 am

thats why we have botachon… because with bitachon we can do ANYTHING!

to # 26
July 2, 2010 12:59 am

Good point.
Where can I read the debate?

Good & bad
July 2, 2010 12:36 am

The author makes some valid points & ignores others Many Shadchanim & people are quck to attach a stigma to another person Lashon Harah & rechilus(lies etc.) are rampant & are destroying shidduchim I saw one destroyed before my very eyes A totally fabricated lie was told about a Bachur that lead directly to the destruction of the shidduch right after they went to the ohel Got a fantastic answer from the Rebbe! to make matters worse the Shadchan talking to the girl & several others who were there who had no business butting in etc. telling the girl If… Read more »

additional point
July 2, 2010 12:34 am

Good article. Just I don’t believe that people who think looks are the priority will just ‘change’. It’s a subconscious attitude and I’d very much rather not go out with a guy who thinks looks are important because honestly, that type of guy doesn’t interest me. If that’s one of his top priorities, I don’t want to have to feel for the rest of my life that he comparing me to the rest of the gals he walks past. To continue, this attitude is not even a want, rather it’s a need. To them a successful marriage is one where… Read more »

Responce from the author
July 2, 2010 12:16 am

Its very hard to write so many words in one piece. To those who think that marriage is only about building a house together and attraction and love doesn’t matter: The reason why we as Jews get married is to build a house. Love and attraction and compatability are also important, but like I said, they all fall into place. If it is the right person, you will be attracted to them, you will find them funny, cute, pretty, and the greatest person in the world. I understand that you may be a feminist, but if you’re getting married to… Read more »

To #30 & #28
July 1, 2010 11:42 pm

Before attacking the line, ask yourself, or ask a mashpia: “What is Marriage? And what is Love?” The writer does not say that love is not important or non-existent. Love is the meaning in your life together, in your relationship, your common achievements which unites a husband and wife because they bring G-d into their life and that is the ultimate. Some people are not blessed with children r”l and some don’t see marriage as being all about building a home but no couple after 20 childless years will agree that they feel happy and fulfilled without having had the… Read more »

To # 38
July 1, 2010 11:42 pm

You are right! I am a girl, and of course I care about looks.

Attn Single Girls
July 1, 2010 11:37 pm

Keep on writing these articles. I love ’em!

To #16
July 1, 2010 11:31 pm

It seems to me that you have missed the point of the article. #1 is simply addressing the issue of why parents and children have much more of a gap between them these days than long ago. It’s, in great part, because years ago children spent much more time with their parents and were guided by them more in their younger years. This article focuses on a parent to whom this is a matter of concern and who may wish to make the sacrifice and stay with the children longer. A woman who is more concerned with her rights is… Read more »

For the record
July 1, 2010 11:28 pm

Two years ago my brother married a girl who was about a year and a half older than he was, and it’s a fantastic shidduch, B”H. She is mature, and a big mensch as well, and she’s really bringing out the best in him. My parents looked beyond the superficial things, and our family is so glad they did! For boys to marry slightly older girls is one good solution to the shidduch “situation” that can probably work for lots of couples. I highly recommend that people consider it seriously.

finally someone smart!
July 1, 2010 10:30 pm

im a bochur and i have to totally agree with number 35…. whats so wrong with having an interest in a boy/girl that you saw or spoke to at a shabbos table?? did they do anything wrong by speaking to one another??? is it against halacha?? NO, but anything to make it harder for young men and women to get married is what seems to be happening!!

ARE GUYS SO BAD???
July 1, 2010 10:11 pm

why is it that looks always get pinned to guys? like gilrs dont care about looks!!!!!! Mothers, friends, etc. ask me about guy’s looks. and we all know that there have been guys turned down because their beard was too big!!! Chasidish girl turning down a guy who has never touched his beard!!! Looks matter regardless if you are a boy or a girl. the degree to which they matter depends on the person. Ladies, stop the righteous acting. looks matter to you too. to some of you less than others, yes, but it matters to you too. And it… Read more »

fatties unite..
July 1, 2010 10:02 pm

You touched on a sore subject!! Why is it that being overweight is such a terrrible thing for a girl looking for a shidduch. i have 2 nieces in the parsha— both excellent girls, pretty, smart and from good stable families.. Their weight always comes up when shidduchim are redt.. Really is that what we have been reduced to

to number 33
July 1, 2010 9:29 pm

you got it!

Getting Bogged Down by the Details!
July 1, 2010 9:11 pm

i think part of the problem is that the parents are having a hard time working with this new generation of marriagable age children. They are so focused on doing it ‘right’ that if their child chas veshalom meets their bashert at a shabbos table or seems them across the room at a Lchaim, that they dont know how to compromise. Its time for the Parents to take a step back and put things into perspective, and not get caught up in the technicality of it. So your son saw a girl he wants to date at a yom tov… Read more »

To everyone, especially #14, from #4
July 1, 2010 9:00 pm

I am extremely sorry; I meant to correct that while writing it, to say, “born to Jewish mothers, or are gerim, or are non-Jews”.

I hope you can forgive me; I myself am actually married to a ger, and I should have been more careful (no matter who I’m married to, or not).

Please accept my heartfelt apologies.

to number 25...
July 1, 2010 8:36 pm

definitely agree with this. boys AND girls are entitled to want to date someone they are attracted to. There’s no need to look down or criticize anyone who has particular specifications on looks. However If one considers looks to be the most important factor in choosing shidduchim, well then…THAT is a problem.

to 29
July 1, 2010 8:33 pm

Sorry I can tell by your handwriting that you’re a bit chubby. So I am going to have to pass.
Thanks though

To number 23
July 1, 2010 8:32 pm

Why can’t you get to know me for me, Maybe I’m the one.
P.S
I like potato Kugel as well. Maybe that can seal the deal.

oy gevald
July 1, 2010 8:30 pm

Even though there were a few good points, I wouldn’t call this the best article I’ve read on COL on the topic of shidduchim, The one major point I took issue with is where the author writes… “what will keep a marriage together is not neccesarily the love and attraction” How can you say love isn’t an incredibly important factor in keeping a marriage together? Of course it isn’t the only thing important in maintaining a healthy marriage, but how can two people run a home, raise children, and live a peaceful life together without love?? It’s wrong and completely… Read more »

to 22
July 1, 2010 8:18 pm

10 am at cucumbers… good for you??? and we can buy cholent from dovid malkah

I disagree, sorry
July 1, 2010 8:08 pm

There is a major problem with this article. The author is trying to tell today’s singles how to date and who to marry, but she has a very different viewpoint on marriage than most singles. She writes (paragraph 7) that: “What will keep a marriage together is not necessarily the love and attraction… It is what you share together, your family and house…” And later on she writes: “If you would like to get married for the right reasons, which are to build a Jewish home…” and also: “You want to get married to build a home, what kind of… Read more »

A Lot of words - Little logic
July 1, 2010 8:05 pm

Thank you for writing the article cause that’s more than I did but here are my comments. The punchlines don’t fit in with the logic of the rest of the articles. Here are some quotes… “First look for the right person, then look for the details” Sounds good but where should I be looking, all the people in my Yeshiva are guys and as you said the Shadchanim are not setting me up with normal people. “I do not think mingling is a solution. It’s not in compliance with our values and standards” Why not?! So you’re saying that the… Read more »

"Not every boy thats 22 or 23 has to marry a girl thats younger than themselves, and the other way around".
July 1, 2010 7:58 pm

THIS IS A GOOD POINT YOU MAKE. PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE SO FOCUSED ON ” IS SHE 2 YEARS YOUNGER OR 6 MONTHS OLDER?” ALTHOUGH IT IS NOT WISE TO GENERALIZE, HOWEVER, A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF GIRLS WHEN GETTING OLDER, BECOME INCREASINGLY MORE INFLEXIBLE IN THEIR PURSUIT OF A SPOUSE. I AM SPEAKING SPECIFICALLY ABOUT WHEN ACTUALLY DATING. (PERHAPS THIS IS NOT TRUE WHEN RESEARCHING A DATE). EVERYONE KNOWS “MEN ARE SIMPLE”, AND THEY DON’T HAVE A LONG “CHECKLIST” CRITERIA THAT A GIRL MUST LIVE UP TO. ONCE A GUY FEELS COMFORTABLE ABOUT THE GIRL HE IS DATING, AND ENJOYS… Read more »

the pretty war
July 1, 2010 7:49 pm

why are people so against boys wanting someone pretty? When they say pretty they dont mean knockout gorgeous, they mean…pretty. Yes someone with nice, pleasant to look at features. Why is that such a crazy requirement? Yeah yeah you can say beauty doesnt last forever, blah blah, but boys arent looking for someone who will be pretty forever. They are looking for someone they can be attracted to NOW, and as they get older, well he knows they will both get old together and by then he assumes he will love his wife so much he wont care or even… Read more »

To No. 16
July 1, 2010 7:46 pm

Your response is part of the problem. ‘Only Housewives’? Only?’Housewives’? No, not housewives. Homemakers. We’re not talking about cleaning toilets, we are talking about HomeMAKING. Home, as in Mikdosh Me -at. Somehow, this seminal role has been cheapened and relegated to the dustbin. And we are paying the price. All you need is to look at today’s generation: the disenfranchised kids, the at-risks teens, the shidduchim crisis, the tznius problems… All this is because kids just simply dont ‘get’ their parents. They don’t relate. And why should they? Their parents didn’t relate to them, they weren’t there for THEM, when… Read more »

To number 22
July 1, 2010 7:36 pm

LOL, ure funny!!
i hate cholent, so sorry!

Number
July 1, 2010 7:24 pm

I am chasidish bocher who loves cholent. Would you like to go out?

please shadchanim!
July 1, 2010 7:14 pm

please, any shadchan can give me ur email please im looking for one chassidishe and good bocher… please writte me. my email is [email protected]
thnks very much

Dear Writer, keep writing
July 1, 2010 6:59 pm

If everyone went back and reread the rebbes letters on shidduchim and realigned themselves. The Rebbe never mentioned dress size, height, deep pockets, family background. Yiras shamayim could come in any size or shape.

looks
July 1, 2010 6:53 pm

basically the only thing that can be confirmed 100 is looks, everything else can be sold!

Invest in Shiduchim - Solve Long Term Sholom Bais and Chinuch Problems
July 1, 2010 6:53 pm

B”H I am a big follower of Rav Mordechai Rotenshtein from Eretz Yisroel, who is putting a lot of effort into teaching couples how to live with each other and raise their kids, by getting to know themselves better and reaching their own individual maturity. You think shiduchim are a problem? The Sholom Bais situation for couples from almost immediately after the chasuna through the divorce (and every dark moment in between) truly is a crisis. Ask any mechanech in our schunah – they will tell you how obvious it is in the kids what’s going on at home. I… Read more »

Zevi S
July 1, 2010 6:52 pm

Moshiach now

to #1
July 1, 2010 6:42 pm

so u r suggesting that mothers should ONLY be housewives; children skip school until about the age of a first grader and that will help the cause!? I think what u r suggesting is something more, albrit u may not realize it. It seems you are handcuffing the woman’s right to choose what she would like to do with herself i.e. in ur ‘utopia’ if the woman of the home feels bored at being strictly a housewife, what other options does she now have? As well, studies have shown that although homeschooling is an effective manner of which to bring… Read more »

Basics
July 1, 2010 6:25 pm

Mostly everything written in this article are basic and fundamental princples which we, in the “NEW” generation struggle with. If one keeps focused and sticks to the basics, and with Gds help, everything seems to work out.

to the older BT
July 1, 2010 6:05 pm

Please be sensitive to Geyrim and don’t put yidden and geyrim in two different categories

MOSES B
July 1, 2010 6:02 pm

Nice article. I enjoyed.

shmarya
July 1, 2010 6:01 pm

why is it always the single people who are the chochomim?

well said
July 1, 2010 6:00 pm

loved your article

Thank you
July 1, 2010 5:54 pm

Well written and well thought out. I agree closing the age gap would be a major step in the right direction. I also agree that people get bogged down with the outer rings (family, money etc..) and sometimes don’t even reach the centre (the boy himself)! N. England

Beautiful article
July 1, 2010 5:47 pm

and an even more beautiful person

Your number
July 1, 2010 5:45 pm

“All I can say is that it is completely brainless, and narrow minded. If your looking for a barbie doll, go to Vegas”
thats a funny joke, can i get your number …..
-25 year old bochur

#1 makes a good point
July 1, 2010 5:43 pm
Blown away
July 1, 2010 5:32 pm

What can I say…. You did an unbelievable job at saying it “as it is” and all that within the boundaries of our standards. Kol Hakavod and may your article inspire people at all levels of involvement to rethink their views.

Very well written
July 1, 2010 5:16 pm

Right on

As an older BT, I had to do more myself
July 1, 2010 5:05 pm

There are pros and cons to having the parents involved. As an older BT, I had to be both the prospective kallah and the parents, during the shidduch process. I did things that perhaps the shadchan should have done, like contacting the references myself, and asking them the hard questions, and reading between the lines when I heard the references’ answers to those questions. Also, I myself was the one in touch with the shadchanim, as opposed to having parents being in touch with the shadchanim. So the shadchanim got to know ME, not my parents. In this sense, I… Read more »

To #2
July 1, 2010 4:51 pm

The point was not for the author to tell the whole world what she is looking for in a husband!
That’s none of our business.
She’s talking about attitudes, and several other aspects of the shidduch process.
PS — I’m not the author; I don’t even know who the author is!

what are "u" looking for in a husband?
July 1, 2010 4:35 pm

you clearly seem to “not” know what you are looking for!?
best of luck.
ps i enjoyed the article.

Time for major re-evaluation on how we raise our kids
July 1, 2010 4:15 pm

The author states, that kids used to be ‘ at their parents fingertips’ and that this is no longer the case, so they cannot be involved in the same way as previous generations, because basically they dont ‘get’ their kids, and their kids dont ‘get’ them. One of the reasons that kids ‘were at their parents fingertips’ is because mothers were allowed to stay home and take care of their families. Today, mothers are forced to work full time because of financial or social pressures. This is destroying our families, this is hurting our shidduchim, this is undermining the chinuch.… Read more »

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