By CK (A 20 year old girl from Crown Heights)
I got on the B train like I do every morning. Some mornings I get a seat, other times I don’t. Today was one of those days (that I didn’t.)
I found an empty spot, took hold of the pole and waited for the train to start moving. With a little jolt it took off, ricketing and racketing its way down the tracks. My head hurt, my knee hurt, I could barely keep my eyes open. There were funky smells drifting my way. I was nauseated and hungry all at the same time.
I stood there, for the first four minutes of my train ride doing nothing but complaining in my head. Next stop came and I got a seat, I sat down and began to do my usual people watching.
There was Ms. punk rock gothic ‘I feel so cool cuz’ my tights have got more holes than a chunk of swiss cheese.’ Next came Mr. I love donuts, pizza, kentucky fried chicken, and anything else with a minimum of 4,000 calories per serving. (Mind you he took up 3 seats – literally.)
I made my way around my area of the train when I met someone’s eyes. He must’ve been 7 or 8 years-old. He had big brown curious eyes and the most genuine, contagious smile. Most of his hair was missing but there were some random spots of matted hair that had begun to grow back. Next to him was who I assumed was his mother.
He gleefully waved his raggedy excuse of a doll in her face letting out a burst of giggles. She smiled back at him, the creases by her mouth barely meeting her eyes. So much pain was behind that smile.
Of all the concepts of life I don’t understand, I think motherhood definitely takes the cake. I love many people. I love my family; there are friends I love deeply but nothing even close to what I imagine loving a child must feel like. Imagine creating something. Then I imagine carrying this creation around for nine months, feeding it, keeping it warm. When this creation is born – how can you not be unconditionally, madly in love with it? YOU made it!
I get chills when I think about the concept of having a baby. It is the most incredible miracle of life. The love, the pride, and satisfaction your child brings you when he or she does something good are colossal. Unfortunately though the same goes for when bad things happen.
What can possibly be more painful than watching your angel suffer?
I remember clearly this incident post one of my surgeries. I was in a lot of pain and just didn’t seem to be making any progress. Day and night my mother sat there by my side holding my hand and praying for the pain to stop. The moment that sticks out was when the doctors came in after me being there for almost two weeks and looked at my mother and I and said, “we’re really sorry, we’re trying our best but we just can’t seem to figure out is wrong.”
I could barely move, barely even open my eyes from the blinding headaches I was suffering from, but my mother… my mother on the other hand got up, burst into tears, and walked out of the room. It was one of the few times I ever saw my mother cry. Only later on did she explain to me those tears. She said to me, “there is nothing in the world that is more painful than watching your child suffer and being unable to do anything about it.”
When a mother watches her child suffer it isn’t just watching another person in pain. You’re watching and feeling a little piece of you in pain.
Looking at this mom next to her sick son you could see the love and pain all twisted in one. I looked back at the giggling boy. I was so enamored by the positive aura surrounding and enveloping him. Suddenly I realized I was one stop away from work. I needed more time. I needed to try and find out this boy’s secret. How? How on earth could he be so happy? I wanted to shake him and be like, “Are you crazy?? Do you think it’s normal that you look the way you do? That your face is all funny looking, that you have no hair? Because it’s not ok! No one should have to go through what you go through!”
Maybe it was my imagination, maybe it was coincidence, or maybe he was the Shliach in which Hashem was sending me a message, as I stepped off the train and took one look back I could’ve sworn he winked at me.
With that wink came a whole message. A message of hope, and a message of faith. Yes, I’m suffering; we all suffer in some form or another. Physical pain, emotional pain, no one goes through life without experiencing pain. But why focus on the pain? Why focus on being angry at the pain you’re being caused? Guess what?! Not only does being angry and frustrated not help your situation but it has in fact made it ten times worse! Be happy. Embrace the pain for you know it’s all part of a bigger picture. Once, that with our limited understanding we unfortunately can not grasp. Embrace the challenges for you know it’s making you into the strong beautiful person you are.
I walked to work, my heart all warm and fuzzy. I can’t believe how much precious time of my precious life I waste complaining; time wasted being angry at G-d, being frustrated at life.
Who knew that taking one simple train ride, the same train I take every single morning, would hold the person that touched my life. I don’t know who you are, little boy with cancer.
Chances are I’ll never see you again. But I want to thank you from the depth of my heart for reminding me what an amazing gift of life I’ve been given and how it’s about time to start making the best of it. I pray that G-d be with you and make you feel pain no more.
To all those who voiced all those concerns and demands, especially #8. (#50 go preach to your dog) Do not have the slightest doubt that your pleas were heard. Yes, there is a master plan, blah blah blah………………. But who’s to say the one above, the almighty, is in charge of what happens? Its all good and well that we sit here and cry out (it seems like all we can do) but there’s more. If the half of you really did care enough, there is so much we can do (on top of what were already doing). WHAT? What… Read more »
Please tell me what expressions offended you in #8s comment – where do you see “hatred”?
how can you compare, even when the rebbe demanded from hashem his voice and words were fulled with sensitivity, as apposed to #8 whos words are filled with hatred, using expressions i wouldn’t even use for my dog.
very nicely written
Thanks for sharing…and please write more!
I am crying and crying
Wow
I just had to add my comment to no.8. I thought it was so well expressed, and he managed to echo so many of our sentiments, so well, unfortunately; I feel for him/her so much, in all the tragedies, the Shidduch major crisis, the older single girl crisis, the deaths, the tragic illnesses etc etc, is it any wonder that we get to feel this way now n then?? but like he/she was so well answered, (though, by no means was he really helped, as such) we have no choice , but to keep on coming back to Hashem ,… Read more »
I felt so alone. Like I was the only one who has been bombarded everyday with the inhuman people on the streets and subways, with newspaper articles, with the worries about life and future.. thanks for letting me know that others feel the same way and we’re just trying to connect with the only One who can help us see the good- if we try.
Chutzpah klapei shmayo mehanya. Keep up the good work. Hashem wants EXACTLY this. Not to be mashlim with the golus, but to be indignant, upset and angry. More of this will get us where we want to be. MOSHIACH NOW!
u are a fantabulous writer with an awsome messege! U go girl! Besuros Tovos for all of klall yisroel.
U’r reminding me of a rap…
‘Life Moments’ come by when least expected and yet with incredible clear messages that speak to the heart, declutter the mind and serve as a catalyst in reassessing one’s life! Sometimes, i find such moments to hold such magnitude it is difficult to relay the intensity to another. So i thank you for opening your soul and sharing your Moment with us all!
I agree with # 8…. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH….
AMAZINGLY WRITTEN!! i was in tears… literaly!
very inspired
“laughter is the best medicine”.
wow.and to 34 great comments
very inspiring and beautifully written
I am just a human being who used to cry and fall apart when I read and heard about young children and young parents dying. Car crashes with teenagers. People dying in horrific ways etc. I used to get worked up and wonder what about Moshiach and the fact that we waited so long for him, on top of that – all the Rebbes comments on how “Hes coming very soon”. I relised after a while I become numb – I would just throw my hands in the air – Whats the use of getting all worked up? Everyone has… Read more »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N253828_vP4
dont think ill have an easy time falling asleep tonight!! im with #5!!
Wow! You really caputured that thought so nicely! Please keep writting! You’re very talented! 🙂
#16, I’ve copied over your words, to read every day and feel grateful. Thank you for the inspiration… I think your words and attitude are much more conducive to living an emunah-filled, positive life than #8’s post. Though I do understand and relate to you, #8, we still do have to have the awareness and sensitivity of a frum yid, especially on a public site with many impressionables out there… Look at the Rebbe for example–how very, very much he suffered: in his personal life and also as he took every Jew’s pain to heart, in a real way. And… Read more »
May Hashem send a complete and speedy recovery to all ;
To the writer, and the lttle boy and all those in need.
Writer ,Your sensitive heart and soul are a reflection of G-D and as are your expressive and heartfelt thoughts, Brocha V’hatzlacha and only simchas for you and your family.
Thankyou for reminding us to be thankful and focus on the brochos we are given daily , moment by moment.
More than the actual article, that touched me to the core, your comment tore me apart, your words literally tore my heart out: Your bitterness, your anger, your frustration was so clearly evident in every word that you wrote, and in a funny kind of way, I admire your openess and honesty about the depths of your feelings, and I would even go so far as to say, that I bet you, hundreds n hundreds of us out there, feel EXACTLY the same way as you do, but would’nt dare voice it openly, for fear of repercussions, maybe? or for… Read more »
Brought tears to my eye.
Thanks for sharing.
To 8, thanks for expressing yourself in the way you did.
May G-D help us all.
It is frustrating how many controversial comments, (including the above article) there are that I agree with.
May everyone be blessed with only good – Moshiach NOW!
I’m reading this at the begining of my day. What an amazing inspiration you are. I do try and go around with a smile but from today I will IYH do it with more meaning. Thank you so much for sharing. May Hashem hear our pleas and bring the Geula NOW
wow! this is very touching! thank you for writing this and teaching me how imortant it is to be happy! u really touched me! i bless u and everyone in pain that god should bless u with no more pain and only happiness!
Thank you so much!
Phenominal – thank you for sharing!
Moshiach immediately!
i emailed this to myself so i cal always read it to remind myself of all this
so touching!
i want to thank the writer for publishing this!!! not only for the inspirational article but also for all the amazing commentS!!! thank you
i can’t even put my hand on what ever touched me so much like that…. you know as alubavitchers we spend hours at fabrengens, we (hopefully) talk to our mashpios, and try and do everything “right”, we even go out on shluchos to to be even “better ” people… (no i am not puting down any of that… going on shluchos is something that is true mesiras nefesh: and going to farbrengens is wonderful too… and soo is having a mashpia…) the point i am trying to bring out (which Just may be the answer to why we have lubavitchers… Read more »
wow…. refuah shelaima.. beatifuly written
I can relate to the mother’s love on the child’s end-as an unmarried girl who lay in the hospital bed for 5 weeks and the doctors coming in every day saying-we dont know whats wrong with ur daughter, I watched my mother die a little inside every day. Yet she slept there when I wanted her to, came the second she was done with work and stayed the entire day. Told my siblings now was not the time to ask her for anything, now was time strictly to daven and find a way to make me better. B”h I am… Read more »
what a comment. who are you?
I am so sure Hashem loves what you wrote well…how do i really know. you are so right, most of us are shepsilach and all our real questions are not answered. we mosey on along. yet we know we are in the right place. take all your chutzpa and dig within yourself answers come may not all come at once piece by piece as you request…they are placed before you. remember, we are co-creators with Hashem to bring about the real world that Hashem had in mind. It aint no small feat as we can clearly see. would you want… Read more »
u really are a unique and special person and thank you for this. may u be blessed with the brocha of a chossan soon and raise HEALTHY kids to be a kind special person like you are
its a wake up call to all those things we take for granted each and everyday! thank you for ur inspiration…
What a beautiful piece….. May Hashem bentch you that u suffer no more pain or challenges and that you, the sweet little boy and all of klal yisroel who need it b zoche to a completee refuah shlaima!
WOW!
I think we have every right to be angry and we should express it more… G-d should get a life and leave kids alone – “its all for the good” “its all for the good” – Well show us the good already! You did enough to your people. You killed enough. You tortured enough. Go find another hobby – or how about keeping that promise you made about taking us out of this place – or do you need more action? I know, I know you have your master plan. I also know what human blood and tears look like.… Read more »
hashem yeracim .refua shlima
benyomin zev ben tzvia hinda
levi yitsckok ben ceril
mordechai gershon ben malya rochel
asher ben yael
and all others which unfornate r in the same matzav
You we touched my heart. Its an amazing piece.
marry me
Next time azkir al hatzion
I am in tears….
1st comment!!